Friday, November 22, 2002

Ironically innane. Why?

It's as if I have nothing more to my life then this, what's on this blog.
It's as if I think nothing more of this, or that of anything.
It's as if I do nothing more but rot away in my own disease, of blind selfishness.
It's as if I see nothing more but what's immediatly in front of me... myopia is my muse
It's as if I feel nothing more then what's on my skin.
It's as if I am nothing more...
It's as if I am nothing.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Hello everyone! I've got a new pet aside from my rabbit and my brother...

Adopt your own useless blob!

Yes he's called Daryl!!

My personal useless blob!

So Daryl would like to say hi to all you wonderful people out there and introduce himself.
Unfortunatly Daryl only speaks in blobbish so I'd have to translate everything for you.

My name is Daryl.
I am 22 years old this year.
I now have a sony clie for sale... please
I am single.

Ok that's enough for now (so i say as i conveniently squish Daryl back into his cubby hole)

BTW folks, Daryl is currently in search for a little blobette preferbly of Thai or veitmanese origins, she must also have compatible features, ideally:

Adopt your own useless blob!

Any takers?

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

So you set me head spinning. Everyone does when they confront me with this, however subtle. I just don't ever want to miss the signs again. The last time I did...
So we sat and thought about it, coming to no possible conclusion. Why? We're not seers, with oracles.
So what do we do? With so much worthlessly at stake?
Nothing, let live.

This one's for you sugar

Come on baby get your shoes on
You're looking like you need a rescue
Underneath the southern moonlight
Where only I can find you
We can do it with our eyes closed
We can sit and talk for hours
Underneath the golden flowers
Where my sunshine grows

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn
Sugar may hide
Sugar may learn

I could give a thousand reasons
I could live a thousand lives
I know I would always meet you
Underneath a summer sky
So come on tell me love is glory
Come on tell me love is real
Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

I waited so long for a love so true
So I'm giving it all right back to you
I'm giving you my best of silver
I'm giving you my best of gold

Sugar may hide
Sugar may burn

So come on baby get those shoes on
And we can run away from here
Talk about a life we're starting
We can start it all right here

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

Straight off from clo's blog

When I finally get kissed, I'll know..
I've never felt that thing..
That thing...that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person..
And you realise that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life..
And for one moment, you get this amazing gift and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry..
Because you feel so lucky that you've found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time..

And I know. perfection

juicy kisser

You Are A Juicy Kisser!

Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.

You are the perfect kisser - with the right combo of lips and tongue.

It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!

How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Hahah, How apt.


What's *Your* Sex Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Right... cancer ouch.


I get all insecure again. over the most retarded things.
Ugh, i really have to snap out of it.
I'm me
I'm me
I'm me
And that's more then enough.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002


Well finally we see life in your blog.

I guess it takes time, I guess somethings aren't that easy to handle or heal. Though I'm through my crying and happily at equlibrium again, sometimes I get shot into immense pain. When i see, think, hear or feel. It takes time. I have confidence that Erwin will be there for you during this trying period. It's not easy for either but I guess we'll all have to go our own way. *holding tight*

My parents

Are people whom I respect
Are people whom I wouldn't want to let down
Are people whom I love
Are people who know what's good for me
Are people who want the best for me.
Are people ... I should Listen to?
At all cost?

So what then, if they suggest that i leave off what I am so willingly entangled in?
Do they, as parents have the understanding enough to do so?

As i was telling a beautiful friend.
Does their opinion matter?
To what extent, when do I decide
When you know that's what God wants.


I hate being so whishy and sensitive and above all... scared.


Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and Grace

Take my hand take my whole life too
Cos I can't help falling in love with you

When you give yourself away...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

In His grace...
Chicken rice and a prom dress

Had a lovely day. Pretty thoughts on my mind and a wonderful lunch with a lovely girl. Looks like we're all taking things slow eh? Just a little Greek and Theatre and we're done for! Am i ever so excited!!

Anyway beautiful, thanks for lunch and the conversation, yes I so agree with you on the idea that sometimes there isn't much intellectual stuff going on up there for some people, them we call shallow, but then again, maybe it's just different. We cannot understand why they don't think as we do as they cannot understand why we do. ANd yes, the ever present fault of judging another by one's standard... So what does that mean? That all the faults we prescribe upon others is but a mere reflection of ourselves? Or a fear perhaps? hmmm..

Ok that's enough for my brain.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Love songs in Age
By Philip Larkin

She kept her songs, they took so little space,
The covers pleased her:
One bleached from lying in a sunny place,
One marked in circles by a vase of water,
One mended, when a tidy fit had seized her,
And coloured, by her daughter -
So they had waited, till in widowhood
She found them, looking for something else, and stood

Relearning how each frank submissive chord
Had ushered in
Word after sprawling hyphenated word,
And the unfailing sense of being young
Spread out like a spring-woken tree, wherein
That hidden freshness, sung,
That certainty of time laid up in store
As when she played them first. But even more,

The glare of that much-mentioned brilliance, love
Broke out to show
Its bright incipience sailing above,
Still promising to solve, and satisfy,
And set unchangeably in order. So
To pile them back, to cry,
Was hard, without lamely admitting how
It had not done so then, and could not now.

I seriously think i need to chill

For the past 5 years

Edwardian style

...There is only one man in my life who has ever... made me happy. Do you know that? One!...

...who is out there somewhere in the dark... who is good to me, and whom i revile; who understand me, and whom i push off; who can make me laugh and I choke it back in my throat; who can hold me, at night, so that it's warm, and whom i will bite so there's blood; who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as i can change the rules; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and yes I do wish to be happy... sad, sad, sad.


...whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes; this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it... sad sad sad


...who tolerates, which is intorerable; who is kind, which is cruel; who understands, which is beyond comprehension...

... sad, sad, sad.

Some day... hah! some night... some stupid liquor-ridden night... I will go too far... and I'll either break the man's back... or push him off for good... which is what i deserve

5 years, and you're back for more.

I'm having a horrid day.
Maybe it was last night, or my dream...
Maybe it's the sheer stupidity of it all, like a vicious cycle.

I'd blame PMS, but my period is over
I'd blame the weather, but I love the rain
I'd blame the stress, but the bulk's over
I'd blame my mirror, but it's already been kinder
I'd blame my loneliness, but I'm far from that
I'd blame the alcohol, but it's been 2 days
I'd blame you, but that's impossible
I'd blame me...

Seems that most of us are plauged by it. I'm getting hit particularly badly these few days. It happens as a reaction to something too wonderful to comprehend, that I fear I'd lose it all due to my shortcomings or a flaw that i unwittingly possess. And it manifests in the most perculiar ways.

Yes dennis, I'm saying that it probably isn't the root of my insecurity but just an outlet. You know who i'm talking about. But then again, there is no other yardstick to measure by. And we we're left with our little friend off from the Zoo, who btw happened to be wonderful too during visiting hours i'm sure. Don't deny it.

It's a horried recognition that everything is momentary. I read a comic strip, a conversation between 2 guys ~

A: Guess what? Jenny and I are back together again!
B: oh, too bad for you.
A: why would you say that?
B: because she's a lying, low-down, selfish, disgusting shrew
A: Gosh, why would you say such bad things about Jenny?
B: well that's what you told me when you guys broke up.

So you can say that you don't live in the past, or even the future, but even the the past and future define our present so you have no way of escaping them. That in some way, some incident yesterday makes you more cautious today and some consideration in the future makes you more thoughtful perhaps.

It's like realising i don't belong, and I somehow can't as my presence would only serve to shadow the beauty that's bestowed upon me. It's paralyzing, coming face to face with something like that, and being wrecked with fear that I simply do not match up, not at all. That one day, my inadequacies would crack through, and all that you'd find, is a broken verson of that dream, a tear-stained, skinny, muted girl with nothing much to offer anyway. Why didn't I see this before? I've asked that question before, in reaction to my decisions. I don't expect anyone to be excluded, in any situation. We're all vunerable to this.

Love isn't love, when fear's as strong as he

And then we go on to a more objective angle. We see that insecurity leads to bitching which evantually becomes a habit. I enter JC last year and came face to face with people who, in many aspects, were so much better then me. I started losing ground in every area of my life and started becoming... a bitch. So i noticed the trend and reversed it. But these efforts only go as far as superficial. And it's the superfical i have no problem with.

I have no problem with the world, as long as it remains impersonal. My security lies in that fact that I am unknown, isn't that so in all of us. That we know that we start with a clean slate and with proper handling, attain what we would call a desirable reputation. So I can breeze in, get what i want and breeze out. Let me stay a moment or two and I... tremble tremble tremble

The whole irony of the situation is that when it doesn't matter, nothing happens. I remain Hannah no. 1 or 3, confident, cool, direct and even powerful. But when it does matter as much as you matter, Hannah no. 8 seeps in, paradoxically more powerful in her weakness, that she is rendered helpless, for fear. Fear that she is simply not good enough.

I know that much of this is breed out of a positive aspect in my life. Of everything positive one has, there is always a negative setback to it. so i think.

For beauty, vanity
For intellect, pride
For a desire to improve, jealousy.

For transparency, insecurity.

So much so that i fear that this obsession may be the harmatia in your life, that you cannot handle my emotional weakness coupled with overbearing emotional strength. Even I have problems dealing with myself, I have 8 different aspects of me living inside, all similar in strength and priority, all polarically different. So every once in a while i engage in a silent battle which leaves me exhausted.

So how do I expect someone else to handle that in me?

My driving force in life is to have it all, to over-achieve, to be all.

...You can't change the world you know...
Not the world, I want to change myself...
But Hannah you are the world. Your world.

How tragic, how mundane, how pointless.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Friday, and today

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
There's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
To a new exciting life

I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
There's something in your eyes is this love at first sight
Like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
All the secrets of life

It's all written down in your lifelines
It's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
There's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
In my innocent life

It's all written down in your lifelines
It's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

Time stands still
When days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you guy I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

It's SUNDAY! Wonderful weekend I had.

So friday was like a big break from the exams and I decided to do what my lit teachers suggested

Go get yourself drunk.

So i packed my bag and didn't return till saturday night.

I had my usual coffee at starbucks
Went to buy booze
Saw this cute NS guy whom i swear i knew when i was 12 (i think he remembers me to cos he was checking me out, either that or i was looking at him funny)
Went to CG (yes with the booze. I went to my pastor's house with a plastic bag of beer and vodka, not that it was much anyway)
Went to andrea's had chicken and totally knocked.

Protest: I get the bed the next round! Daryl is the eldest, Daryl is male, Daryl is in NS, so why the hell does he get to sleep in soft comfort graced with pink bed sheets? With 3 girls on the floor? My hips hurt... I have hips big enough to deliver the nation of china and not enough flesh to go around so sleeping on the floor garuntees sore hips and sholders.

But i had a great time nonetheless. Too bad we knocked out too early.

But it was... amazing.

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lover's hands

Look please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hand your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger

A million reasons life to deny
Let's toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lover's side
Together share this smile
Each other's tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Oh please
Look please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep
Lover lay down
Cause it's over
Lover lay down
Say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover
Could I love you
Could you love me

Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles

In circles circles circles...