Wednesday, May 19, 2004

I went to the National Sailing Center today and I met Ramli. A national sailor who coached me in my little optimist a good decade ago.

"Are you still sailing?"
"No. I quit a decade ago..."

Times like this I feel like such a failure. The frustration is so overwhelming. Wasted Chances. Wasted lives. What really bites is that I didn't give myself the chance to excel. And I know I would have.

"He said that you had so much potential"

And Ballet.
How could I look 4 distinctions in the eye and say "I'm quiting?"

Then I observe, and praise God for the bad decisions in my life.
In them He makes beauty.

And He will keep doing so, if I keep listening.

Tell me what to achieve
Baby, so I can move forward.
Car crashes, TV shows, a drunked on the side of the road,
People running wild.

Car Crashes || Steadfast

And while you're at it, make me dangerous.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

You're alright Hannah.

Dig deep
look up
let go


Deliver me from perfect skin and slim bodies.

I am not my Swedish furniture.
Or my Mango Wardrobe.

I wonder what Neitzsche would have to say about this renunciation. But then again, It doesn't matter. I feel like I can take up my camera again. A pity I lost one of the batteries. It's things like these that make me want to throw a tantrum. How what when why did you lose that battery!

So i'm back here, finding my old self again. Trying on the same skin the same eyes the same self. Not good.

But anyhow, the world is new.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

So it's been 5 days. I'm still in a daze. Missing the Navs, some arts one peeps, Robby, J, Magic, Seth... and being able to fit into my shorts. I'm prosperous. Good ol Larry and I are becoming quite bonded. Except we can't seem to agree on the adjective that best suits the typical singaporean Girl

I say it's beautiful,
Larry says it's Anorexic.

So anyway, apart from body shape, I'm finding myself very much out of the loop with the singaporean culture. I stand in the middle of town, gazing at the skinny, impeccably dressed creatures drifting around me.

I observe the gait, I cannot appreciate.
I listen to the language, I cannot communicate.
I marvel at the hair colour, I cannot understand.

So I'm here in a sort of cultural limbo.

"This feeling of isolation and exclusion is something that you should always keep praying for. This means that you will have to depend on God fully."

I want to go Home.
I want to know where that is.

Oh but don't be mistaken, I am very very happy now.