Friday, May 29, 2009

why? Seriously, why?

Thursday, May 28, 2009
I still surprise myself with my intuition, seeing how all my words remain true. Albeit with meaning filling in the gaps where musings and question marks used to stand. Everything just makes so much more sense now. and I'm just glad to find that at the end of the day, I haven't betrayed myself.

There are quiet and secret things to keep to myself now, but more of a source of reassurance then pain, even if they are inseparable.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It's nice to know that overall, I'm a really happy person. It's also nice to see how, while complicated, the path to happiness is available. I just need to (a) decide to get on it, and (b) work for it - a being more important then b. Also, I impress myself with my resourcefulness in finding the means to take care of myself.

In other news, no news thus far. And while I'm dying to know what's up on all these different fronts, it's also ok not knowing. I guess this might be the start of grasping this Negative Capability stuff that Bogge's been talking about. Perhaps. Who knows and who cares? Right now, it's just good to know that I'm far away and that he can't hurt me. All this while I nom on Ferrero Rocher, sleep deeply (with dreams, unfortuneately, but they're ok) and talk to good friends, near and far.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Building Blocks for me.
  1. Pain has different sources. It is good to see how these sources shift and morph at different stages on the journey. It might come from expectations, from hope, from betrayal, from loss. Pain doesn't always feel the same either: There's anger and sadness and shock.

  2. It is good to recognize the source of your pain.Pain from different sources probably needs to be dealt with differently: Be it in quietness, in action, in thought, in mourning or in rest.

  3. Recognize also that you may not always be able to identify the source of your pain, or that, the source may run deeper then you suspect. Pain then, might leap up and bite you when you previously thought you were fine, and surprise you where you thought that you had dealt with the source.

  4. Patience with your pain is a good idea. Especially when dealing with a situation where your dealing mechanisms have failed. Recognize that you are lost and that you have no control. Don't add insult to injury by expecting yourself to be ok when you are clearly not ready. There is nothing wrong with taking time to heal. Your body takes time to heal from wounds, plants take time to grow from seeds. It is only natural.

  5. But do not wallow. There is a difference between nursing your pain and allowing it to take it's due course. A good indicator of wallowing is when you are unable to empathize with others in their pain. We all know that everyone has pain, whether we think it trivial or not. We are in no position to judge or compare our pain to theirs. But if we cannot genuinely reach out to them in their pain, as you would want to be reached out to in yours, then there is a good probability that you've crossed the line into wallowing.

  6. With patience also comes waiting. It is difficult to wait sometimes, becomes waiting appears passive and inert. Waiting in pain is even more difficult because the pain demands immediate attention and relief. It's like putting your hand over a fire: you instinctively want to withdraw that hand and recoil in pain. Hence pain seems to demand strong, instant action. Waiting, however does not need to be passive or inert. It can be sometimes, but this is not the kind of waiting that you should be doing in times like these. It is not hopeless, it does not represent an abdication of ability, nor is it a sign of surrender. It is, instead, strategic and artful. Like a hidden tiger: "The tiger is black and gold because It has two ways. The gold side leaps with its fierce heart. The black side stands still with cunning, hiding its gold between trees, seeing and not being seen, waiting patiently for things to come" (Joy Luck Club). Ok, trite to quote the JLC, but the point is, waiting is necessary sometimes, and waiting can be active with a sense of direction and purpose.It's like the kind of waiting that you do when you're on a bus. You're going somewhere, you know it, it's happening.

  7. Don't worry about what others tell you either. Recognize that they mean well, that they are concerned and are trying to be active for you. But you cannot leave the responsibility of your healing and your life to them. You know yourself best, you know the situation best. Trust yourself. No one has a better answer, we're all trying here.

  8. But do listen to others. It is yet wise to take in the counsel of others and to synthesize the wisdom of many lives well lived. The emphasis being, of course, that their lives must be well lived. People have lots to say and will have lots of opinions, be it on life, on the state of the world and how you should deal with your problems. But not all are worth adopting. Look at the fruits of their lives and ask yourself: is that who and what you want to be? Do you want your life to be that way? Of course, not everything that happens to someone is a result of their own doing. So people will find themselves in situations that they did not want and that they could not have controlled. Learn to differentiate the context from the person when listening to their advice. What fruits of their lives are are a result of context, and what is of their own doing? People can live well in the worst of contexts, and these are the people whom you ought to respect and consider their opinions most.

  9. But in considering a particular piece of advice from a well-lived person, remember that each person speaks to you from their own experiences and paradigms. These are not yours. So look for the underlying principles of what they are trying to tell you, and see how they sit with your experiences and world views and, if and only if deemed appropriate, incorporate them into your decision in a way that is congruous and recognizable to you.

  10. So be bold in your decisions and actions, and do not be afraid to take responsibility for them. At the end of the day, if you do not act on your own behest and simply listen to others, you have not lived. These experiences that are wrought on you lose their meaning. They become watered down, pale and insubstantial, like a shadow. This is not how you want to live your life, without bold and bright colours. But balance this with the recognition that a life lived in isolation from the wisdom of others is, also a life in monochrome. Balance is the key.

  11. Remember your goal of healing and moving on. There are things to do yet, even in your moment of pain. There are people to love, callings to fulfill, tasks to complete, papers to write and food to eat. There are songs to sing, there is music to make, friends to enjoy. Hurt now and hurt fully. Maybe even engage in activity that might seem antithetical to your healing, they may be part of healing's due course. Yearn for the past, but always keep your mind's eye on the finish line. Hope for what should not be hoped for, but always remember to work toward letting go: it is the hope that will kill you. Keep yourself busy and alive and, as with all things, time and distance will free you. Of course there are things that you must do, and must do well to fully achieve this. And these things, you will learn to due time.

  12. Realize that you are big enough to find resolution in yourself. You do not need the person who hurt you, or the person you lost, to grant you peace and healing. Nor do you need people whom you respect to give you approval for healing. No, we're all the same here and if anyone has the grace to grant you peace, it is God and it is yourself. In this light, make sure that all you do speaks to your healing. Lashing out in anger does not help. Spilling your story out onto the angry hands on distance friends may not always help. Hankering for an apology does not help. At the end of the day, to seek resolution outside yourself is to continually pour your hurt outside your control, placing it beyond your reach and manage. Of course it does feel good to have your pain recognized, justified and vindicated. But that speaks to pride and not healing. While pride and healing are not necessarily separate and might potentially feed each other, they are not the same. Remember the primacy of your healing and recognize that you are capable of dealing with it.

  13. You are beautiful and strong.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I'm trying to just let myself hurt without feeling the need to do something about it. Somethings just can't be fixed.
RE: BBC's Eyewitness: Hitler's last days

No. No one, is a monster. To decide so is to abdicate responsibility, and to overlook our failings toward them and each other.

Teach me to be humble in my humanity.
I feel like I'm holding myself up. One step at a time. And then will come a point when I will turn around, and enjoy the view.