Saturday, February 26, 2005

It's a big world out there, and it's scary.
It's an even bigger universe in here, waiting to be known.

I am excited about the prospect of engaging with reason and responsibility. I believe that this is all part and parcel of the process of redemption. I am becoming more me. I like this.

An e-mail from Gladys, a post from her friend's blog:

"I thought about being betrothed to Christ. Do I believe that I'm utterly fulfilled in Him? Knowing that I'm preparing myself for an everlasting marriage gives me the hope to bear fear, loneliness and broken relationships. Knowing that my ultimate identity is in Christ gives me the perspective to see relationships between men and women romantic or otherwise not as sizing up someone's marriage potential, but as growing together as members of his family, learning to love one another as Christ loved us."

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

"...a world that has forgotten the love of God in Christ, and therefore can only imagine romantic or sexual attraction as its highest ideal. But that will never satisfy, will it?"

Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, art more than they.

"So Tennyson's words are an inspiration. They seem to say, go, open your heart, love much and deeply. And in the process make mistakes, lose much, and have your heart deeply wounded. But turn it all for the glory of Him to whom our hearts have been dedicated. He doesn't want them flawless and untouched but brimming with the joys and pains of having known love.

And do all things knowing that your ultimate hope is Christ. Bear losses knowing that they are redeemed in Him. Tennyson said "Fear, doubt and suffering will find answer and relief only through Faith in a God of Love.""

I was thinking to myself in the washroom at Lou's, that I'm not living for myself... and boy, is this fulfilling. I don't want to be doing otherwise.

Friday, February 25, 2005

"Unless you've experience it, you never know how physical betrayal feels. It's something you physically feel. You trust someone, you think you know them, and then you find out, you find out you've been fooled, used taken for granted, taken advantage of. You feel cheap and violated and your whole body-"

"I know, Neo. Your whole world goes empty, and your stomach burns, and your legs feel numb, and your neck feels cold, and your lungs feel like you're breathing some posionous gas, and your brain is like one big fire alarm buzzing so loud you can hardly stand it. It's exactly as you said: betrayal is something you feel in your whole body. Believe me, Neo, I will never forget it either"

" I forgave her. And that was one of... no, that was the hardest thing I ever did... ever since that day, when I think of the cross, I think it's all about God's agony being made visible - you know, the pain of forgiving, the pain of absorbing the betrayal and forgoing any revenge, of risking that your heart will be hurt again, for the sake of love, at the very worst moment, when the beloved has been least worthy of forgiveness, but stands most in need of it..."

And so it goes that I discover that I am very wanting of love for the people I feel take advantage of me. Who are thankless and who couldn't care less. It's mostly my fault anyway.

Pull me out from inside,
I am fine.

The experience and knowledge of God's goodness has nothing to do with what happens to me, but has everything to do with who I am.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Dig this:

The aerobics line up at my gym used the "tribal dance" song in their line-up.

Shu and I found the VJC mass dance website.
And at 1.30 am on a wednesday night, the 01A55 cheerleader emerges from deep within the recesses of this 21 year-old, and I find myself doing "small fire small fire big fire" in my room with Shu.

And to think this was a source of endless embarrassment in it's day.
Now, it will be a source of endless amusement.

Uh, B2 in the hizzy... foshizzy.


Knowing where you're REALLY going in the face of tempting illusions can be quite a challenge. I think I slip into madness sometimes, with my desires luring me dangerously into a false reality. This only happens when I'm less then satisfied with who I am. Oh well, I'm not worried. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm on a journey and I just have to keep moving forward, aware and alive.
"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" Declares the Lord Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house"
~ Haggai 1:9

So this means that in order for me to be a functioning healthy adult, I am going to have to be true to myself, and interestingly enough, I find my identity in the identity of Christ. 'Nuff said. Get a move on.

Tomorrow I go to the Canadian Passport office to summit my passport application. It will be 11 months exactly when my status as a Singaporean passes away uneventfully. Happy 22nd birthday Hannah.

I am Canadian.
By birth, by choice.

To be honest, I don't think many people are granted with this gift of choice very often. To choose between Canada and Singapore is quite a tough one. It's not like either are undesirable(although I know some singaporeans who would disagree), not as if it were a choice between N. Korea and Canada (That would hardly constitute as a choice really).

But here is choice, condensed power, and control delivered into my little hands. It will dictate the course of my life, my future and ultimately the formation of my existance. In making this choice, I accept and dispose of a lot, and it isn't a blind blessing. Having to plunge a knife into my 'Singaporean Status' wasn't easy, the process was tramatizing. Oh well.

I think one of the reasons why I choose to be Canadian lies in my disability to identify with being Singaporean, or anything else for that matter. This isn't a cop out, but it's a reflection of my confused, complex politics of identity. And that's a wonderful thing.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I'm a non-blonde alright.

And am really stoked about being alive. Are you awake?

Apparently not. It's 1 am now and post-yoga and I'm floppy tired. I just got off the phone with mummy and daddy and am currently facing the situation of having to find housing and having to budget fiercely for myself. I somehow expected an easy answer I guess, with a spacey budget (reads $600-$700) from encouraging parents who, in the spirit of all Asianness, would "want the best for me". Apparently, the best isn't always what I want.

So instead of the usual (with fries on the side), I am suddenly 21 years old, with the power to do anything I want... within my resources. Ok so Daddy and Mummy don't give me a budget (they actually tell me to get a room that rents like gage.) and essentially tell me to suck it up and live with it.

And I quite like that. No doubt I will go to bed worried and frustrated with the future, with having to live within my suddenly very visible and very real means. I do wish that they'd give me an unending budget and I do wish that they'd look out for my comfort. Besides, it's not like I spend unnecessarily or foolishly.

But that's not the point. The point is that I'm 21, and I'm an adult. And I should be treated so.

Thanks parents, for all the support, and empowerment.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Yup, freedom.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

One last time

I�m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat just one more time
I�m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine

No more of this. It's the forward run from now on and I won't be looking back like this anymore. I gave myself till the 18th to heal. Not to get over Seth completely (I sometimes wonder if this is even possible), but to be able to function without a stick in my eye.

How do you prepare, when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

I have to admit though, going into the relationship wasn't rational. I was naive and didn't know what to look out for. I expected to be able to leave whole and happy. I never expected to be taken in so deeply and to love so intensely. But well, I did. I sometimes feel like I've done the impossible.

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you�re not coming back
And in my darkest hours, I have wondered
Was it worth it for the time we had?

I think what shook me the most was that despite how much I loved Seth, or wanted to be with him, there was just no peace in the relationship. The sinking heaviness drowned everything. I guess it is true, that when you seek God, He aligns your heart with his will. I never stopped loving Seth, I never wanted to leave. I just had to. But nevermind that. The fascinating thing thing was that my will was never changed. It was me.

My thoughts get kinda scattered, but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you

I do. I really do. Pain without regret.
I do not want to retract any moment.

The stars we put in place
The dreams we
didn�t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we�ve lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again,

Because it was beautiful.

The rules we stepped aside
The fear that we defied
The thrill of the ride
The fire in our hearts that
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we�ve lost
The hurting at the end
I'd go there again,
Because it was beautiful.

Deep breath now. And the new life begins. Mourning's over and I don't quite know what to do with myself. But that's alright, I don't need to know. It's all good. I'm a little excited and a little sad. And I think that that's the way it'll be for a long time. I'm not worried.

You are beautiful.
Thank you Seth.
I got 74% for my econ grade.
That means a different thing for me.

In other news, I went camping out in the open. Not that hard-core, since there were decent outhouses and we didn't have to hunt for our own food. But it was cold, freezing I'd say. frost everywhere. And being out in the open for 36 hours is a different story.

And I jumped into a glacier lake, to earn my right to shower for the next three days.

I WILL go to class smelling of dasies.