Dear Baby G

You're wonderful, and I do wish I had taken more time to know you while we were still undergrads (wow, STILL undergrads. Not anymore!). I remember a specific moment in time when I observed you and thought to myself - Gee, I think I'd like to be her friend. And three years later here I am! Oweing you $20 for this amazing grad dinner that you put together for us. Thank you for your grad present. I took your email seriously, about not liking gifts, and I kinda wish i hadn't.

Anyway, when I get back. DINNER!!

I no longer have words that sound beautiful, or that are beautiful in their own right.

I simply exist.

RAFT

I have spent so much time looking forward to Singapore that I have neglected Vancouver. I have made a home here too and the duplicity is proving too much to bear. I sometimes wish I never left Singapore just so that I'd never have to experience the pain of transciency. But whatever, I'm here now and now I just want to say that I love you. So much. Thank you for the past four years, and for the many more to come. The birth of our collectivity was nothing short of divine. '

I don't know how to accept leaving. I don't know how to return to Vancouver to the emptiness that was all of you. I know that in time it will heal, but even that prospect strikes a fearful chord in me. I don't want to let you go because you have meant the world to me here. Your friendships have taught me love and truth and to fill these voids with others is to do the unthinkable.

But for now, there's Thailand.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I AM SO EXCITED THAT I AM GOING TO SEE THEM ALL AROUND ASIA JAPAN THAILAND AND SHANGHAI ALL THAT'S MISSING IS A FLIGHT TO ENGLAND TO HANG OUT WITH GLAPPY!

Oh Glappy.

I realise, that when I lose someone, I get plagued by a lot of pain.
Three in two months.
Not fun.

And there's one that I especially want back.

Afterglow

Back from a four hour hike. Feeling healthy and pink. Enjoyed friends, ice cream, and stories. Saw a couple of creeks, a hawk, the sun, and the view off Indian Arm. This is what summer should be.

Now I'm in my room in fuzzy pajamas, preparing to make the long trek home to S'pore.
I can't wait to go home!!

RE: I'm weak.

I am a little tickled. But what can I say?

Bleh.

As my stomach lurches and heaves in anticipation, I realise that I am no different from her. You cannot have this happen, but I love you.

Thank you Thi, for sharing your thoughts you questions you interests and life with me. I feel like I already know your past, your present and your future. I think you have a lot of substance in the things you ponder upon and am glad that you think it appropriate to share them with me. I guess you can say that I think it's an honor. Although, I have to say that I think you're quite silly sometimes. And with regards to participating in the Amazing Race, I could only do it with you. Just because you're competitive and confident enough to swallow my hesitation.

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I remember earnest eyes and a troubled voice: "When will you learn Hannah? That the world is not as nice as you think it is? That there are people who would want to hurt? When will you grow up?" Oh I never thought much of it then, except it was sweet of him to worry for me so. And I guess it is true. To this day, I am naive and trusting, and quite stubbornly so. It's almost as if I refuse to believe that there are motives for actions out that that do not stem from the christian root of good intention. But simply put, I just can't find it within myself to believe that there is valid reason for people to act otherwise. I mean I know they do from brokenness and selfishness and blah blah blah, but in my spirit, I just can't see things that way.

So when it does happen, it's a rude slap in the face and that's when I come crawling to a coffeeshop with Glen to commiserate on how we have lost faith in humanity. Or go running to Mel and his loving laugh to stop his unloving fists willingly raised in my defense. And then Sarah and her stories of encouragement, Shu and her listening ear. Tom and his ridiculousness and humour. Who would've thought that a dramatic reading would make it all a lot better? Jeff and his insight, Thi and his friendship, to me - the Ryzobium, Robby and his conversations...

How do you get through life?
Roger and Mel, at different times with equal exasperation.

Oh just with people like you.

Everything is lost - uh oh!
But I know that you can take it to the Lord
Everything you want - uh oh!
Is it all that you can gather for yourself?
Do you love a lot - uh oh!
It's the love that changes gifts to everyone
Illinois is lost - uh oh!

Is it strange that you perpetuate yourself?
You wonder what it costs - uh oh!
It's the joy the joy that he will carry to the door
Everything is lost - uh oh!
Still I know that you can take it to the world
(all that he has given to the world)

~ The Perpetual Self or What would Saul Alinsky Do? by Sufjan Stevens.

Anyway, church was refreshing and quenching. Now I am going to sleep.

What hit me?

I'm not sure if I was too rash and needless lost another friend. Maybe communication wasn't clear enough, maybe messages weren't getting through, maybe they were being misread, maybe they weren't meant as I took them, maybe I just don't understand... At any rate I've done what I honestly think would be for the best in the long run. For now, there's the immense sense of loss and betrayal to come to terms with. It is unfortunate that seemingly good decisions can hurt immensely.

Me: "You won't drop me Hannah. And even if you did you'll come crawling back and I'll be waiting."

Him: Haha. He doesn't know you.

For a couple of moments I was a little stunned, and then I smiled, it's great to be known. Even by you, an odd piece of my history in Canada, now waiting for a weekend in Japan.