"I have to show you something! It's a surprise!"

And Mel makes me smile for the rest of the day. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, I want to put into words how precious you friendship is to me but I find that it would not do justice to what we have. You walked me through many decisions, comforted me -effectively- through difficult times, wined me, laughed at/with me, and was basically home. We can still save the world together, since you save me from myself. How you handle me with your tragic humour and genuine sympathy, when I'm wrecked on the floor over lost wallets and trashed posters. Please please please, take care of yourself in Thailand. I want you back in tact and ready to watch movies, drink wine and cook. I remember how much you feared for our friendship when I left for Singapore. I thought you silly then, and our many hours spent skyping is proof of my astute perception. And I'm saying we'll be friends till we're crippled by age.

"Aiyoooooooh"

Thi makes me happy. Walking to the edge of the water for three hours, forgetting time and duty we stare forward into the unveiled future. Musing about possible paths, and dreams... It seems like only yesterday I found him on the second floor of Tec and asked to borrow and pair of shorts. He dumped me in the trash and left me in the male toilet to drown - and then rescued me. We've been through a lot together, and yet don't spend that much time with each other. This is one of those relationships that puzzle me: how do I trust and remain open with someone I like, meet three times a year? That will change. I might not be studying in the Saunder School of commerce, but I do know a thing or two about investments.

So today, Mel drove me to school and Thi made me traverse all over downtown vancover with my backpack. We travelled through space and time together, and this is how I want to get through life.

I think we forget that life isn't just being there, it's getting there. And while you're at it, love and be as much as possible. It makes 'there' an easier place to exist in when you've got good company. In fact, I think the point of getting 'there' is to enjoy the company of those who have travelled with you.

Please, make car rides longer, let's take buses, ferries, planes. Let's just keep going. And even though we're always moving, let's remember to keep home.
~soulitary.blogspot.com 13th Sept 2006

OMG! I just quoted myself!

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I prayed my first honest pray today. And you wouldn't believe how difficult it was. And again in Hist 403, I reaffirmed my conclusion that there is nothing to do in life that's worth more then following Christ, wholeheartedly. It's frightening letting go of what you 'know' to be the set truth about God. God who is particular and yet, universal. I learn that my spiritual lessons fossilize into dead things and that I cannot expect God to be who I think he is and yet, can trust in his unfailing love. I am afraid that He will let me down, I am afriad to obey and have faith and yet I crave the relationship Lucy has with Aslan. That only comes through discipleship and obedience.

I think there is nothing I want more, then to continually stand in the presence of God, and to be content in the suffering that is the cross.

Way cool, Monique gave me an old school cassette player with a cool tape. Will listen to it instead of my tempermental iPod.

Despite my stolen wallet, I am learning to pray for grace, so that I can like, not wish for evil to befall the young punks who took it. But, Ling, if you feel like exercising evil muscles, give me a call anytime and I'll tell you my demonic desires.

And I have to say, things could've been a lot worse. Like at choir today, dear Frank and Jane were telling me how their grandson got beaten up into a coma for no reason. The world is NOT a safe place people! isolationism is the way to go!

No, not really I guess. Since the one moment I would like to relive today is running into Damchan at Blenz.

And I really miss the boyfriend.

Home is where you are loved.

I would have spent $95 to replace all the damned cards that were in my wallet. 2 of which are school cards which will become null in 2 months. wtf. I should just give the $95 to the SOB who took it and save myself the hassle of wasting hours listening to credit company's automated nonsense, explaining myself over and over again to Visa, and arguing with lifeless CSRs that its ludicrous to ask me to fax something as an alternative to calling them from a land line.

"Then we can't help you."
So why are you still employed?

If somebody asks me to repeat my phone number, full name, address, postal code, mother's maiden name again, I will hurt something.

I spent all afternoon trying to remedy my sorrowful situation. I had to turn down a temporary job offer and wasted 5 hours of my day trying to gather the bits and pieces back together. The end result: almost nothing was accomplised. And that's the thing about this stupid place. It's a joke. Asia just works. The last time a friend of mine lost his cards here, he called Visa just as some sorry bugger was trying to make a transaction. Some sorry bugger made a transaction on mine. I recall people driving all the way to your IC's stated address to return lost wallets in Singapore. And seriously, 1998's award for best transit system does NOT work here in 2007. And I thought waiting 20 minutes for the Sembawang bus sucked. At least the buses in Singapore move at a decent speed.

That's it. Just bar code me so I don't have to play inane guess-my-identity games with myself. Centralize the system so I don't have to run to five different government institutions trying to replace my cards.

"What's your status in Canada?"
"I'm a citizen" (this IS vancouver you know?)
"We will need your citizenship card"
"I don't have one"
"Then what is your status in Canada?"
"I'm a Citizen" (Do I look stupid to you?)
"We will need your citizenship card"
"I don't have one." (Don't assume I immigrated yesterday)
"What is your status in Canada?"
"I WAS BORN HERE."
(This is highly reminiscient of my experience with the Canadian High Com in Singapore. I've always advocated that Western philosophy is linear, while Eastern philosophy is circular. This takes things to a whole new level.)

Standing in the middle of broadway with no money, no bus pass and no identification calls for a fury fest. I don't know how many times I came close to crying. I cannot help but wish for bad things to happen to the SOB who took my wallet. He had better have a good reason. He had better be so steeped in poverty, comparable to the woman who took my 1000 Bhat in Laos. He had better have six hungry children, invalids to care for and a spouse with a drug problem.

Of course since my wallet was taken while I was having coffee in a beautiful community-oriented coffee shop, and since $12 was charged to my visa for a taxi fare and not on baby-food and groceries, he probably isn't. I can only brew disastrous unchristian thoughts that I would only express to my friends and not on my very public blog.

It's just this feeling of entrapment, you know? Like I'm wading in some viscus liquid. It's just such a pain being in Vancouver with no car and a tight budget.

I can't remember when I was this miserable.

You cannot be Canada's leading stationary supplier if you cannot provide me with plastic card carriers. Please re-examine your reason of existance and then get back to me with the stationary that I need.

And I do not want to receive phone calls from anyone unless you are the police telling me you have my wallet, an employer offering me a job, or God himself. Yes HR Block, that means I do not want to hear from you.

It's funny how my life comes together perfectly in some areas and falls apart in others.

I can't decide which bits are more important.

This sucks.

I'm miserable.

Wallet got stolen, and aside from all the other emotional crap that I'm dealing with. I'm actually doing pretty well. I am so thankful Mel was here to help me organize myself and that Belmont was over in Singapore responding to my messages. And that Sue offered to drive back to the coffee shop in case it was there. Am loved. Am doing well. Am resourceful. Thank you.

I am still cursing and swearing over the lost of my wallet (haven't lost one in since 2001) that was quite sentimental to me. My black Mango. I would like everything to be returned. But gah, that's life. Damn life. I think credit cards should have this explosive function in them. That when they are reported stolen, they explode. How's that for deterrance?

I am suddenly afriad to say things on my blog or to put my mark on others. Irrationally so. I second guess my motives. The world is a little darker in my eyes.

The atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how:
the clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole.
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
making islands where no island should go.
oh no.

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no.

I need you so much closer

Transatlanticism ~ Death Cab for Cutie

Glen and Gladys are right, They can be so opaque, unpredicatble and impenatratable. It makes you want to be cautious of who/what you invest in and disillusions you of the infallibility of relationships.

Lesson: The lack of engagement leads to nowhere. Sometimes.

how can one be contented and be steeped in discontent at the same time?