Saturday, November 15, 2003

Me:I want to go home...

Dennis: well, you are home.

Tell me again? Tell me everything that I know and anticipate.
Or you could just be silent and live it out over the next 60 years or so.

Riddler on the Roof

Do you love me?

For who I am or what I do?
For convience?
In desperation?
In fear?

How much of me matters in the equation?
How much of you?
How much of him?

Do the answers matter?
Should they change the way I live?

It all boils down to how much of me is you and how much of me is Him.

Girl~ Kerry Roper

It's friday night and I'm alone in my residence.
It's wonderfully beautiful, gentle and cold.

Solitude is beautiful, but you need someone to tell you that it's beautiful.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Words of wisdom

Looks are temporary but fat is permanent.

I say thi... you do have some uh... insight tucked away somewhere.
You don't bring me flowers anymore.

But I would've seen that coming a mile away. And it's alright...

I'm trying very hard to be self-concious and aware.
It's just binding sometimes to know where you've gone wrong, and yet be powerless to do anything about it.
What's the point of knowing if you can't do anything about it?
The least I can do is to be honest with myself and to create a sense of truism in the way I handle me.
So at least I know when i'm compromising, when I'm falsifying, when I'm denying and darkening.

And it's annoying that none of this is physical.

I'm waiting for christmas. when i can reculse for a day or two.

My currency is still my love

Tuesday, November 11, 2003


Everytime I think I got it made, that I can slowly settle in and relax I am presented by greater challenges.
External and internal.

External challenges are fine. refreshing almost. It's like a puzzle where you find the pieces that fit or find missing clues. At the end of the day, you remove yourself from the situation and feel all secure and unshakable. You can sit on your bed with a bible and praise God, or muse with a close friend over milo or coke.

Now internal challenges, they become problems. They are inexplicably linked with WHO you are and weigh around your neck like an anvil. You can't get through the day without dragging yourself. The state of mind you seem to conform too has depressed overtones. The end of the day feels like smack down, and you're still in the rink. You can't see beyond yourself and reclusion becomes almost unbearable.

On retrospect. Maybe I got it all wrong myself. Maybe there shouldn't be a distinction between the internal and external. That I am to a certain extent expected to internalize the external. I can't go around living my life apart from others. I have to be involved internally. Be with them.

"It's all about the people."

But sometimes, I think I change it to "it's all about me"
Don't you see? I'm solipsistic. Everything I do for you springs from a selfish motive.

"I desperately want it all"
I think we've found the root of our problems.
I forget how despensible and yet indespensible I am.
I forget that I cannot claim anything as my own doing, and yet forget the amount of effort required to make things work.

Sometimes, I think God's work is fused with who you are.
That's so beautiful...
... and scary

You are Psalms
You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is what I am but it's not ME.

Go figure.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Strange blessings.

I seriously don't know how to express what happens every weekend.

One person short of an offical party. Guys drunk on anything BUT alcohol (mostly on each other).
Some having the mental age of 3 year olds.

How can you not love them?
That's why I hang out with Guys...

But strangely, somewhere at some corner of my being, there is this little girl, hopping from one foot to the other, clutching her elbows whimpering... just please don't stop loving me.

Gap Kids ~ XL 10years old

"you make people around you feel better"

This is drastic change isn't it? from being queen mother bitch of the western skies.
It's amazing what God does. I can only boast in the Holy Spirit.

I've found my place, I've found my ministry, I've found my center, I've found my thru-line.

To honestly love, with all my being, everyone... everywhere.

The challenge is keeping it.