Bold
Everytime I think I got it made, that I can slowly settle in and relax I am presented by greater challenges.
External and internal.
External challenges are fine. refreshing almost. It's like a puzzle where you find the pieces that fit or find missing clues. At the end of the day, you remove yourself from the situation and feel all secure and unshakable. You can sit on your bed with a bible and praise God, or muse with a close friend over milo or coke.
Now internal challenges, they become problems. They are inexplicably linked with WHO you are and weigh around your neck like an anvil. You can't get through the day without dragging yourself. The state of mind you seem to conform too has depressed overtones. The end of the day feels like smack down, and you're still in the rink. You can't see beyond yourself and reclusion becomes almost unbearable.
On retrospect. Maybe I got it all wrong myself. Maybe there shouldn't be a distinction between the internal and external. That I am to a certain extent expected to internalize the external. I can't go around living my life apart from others. I have to be involved internally. Be with them.
"It's all about the people."
But sometimes, I think I change it to
"it's all about me"
Don't you see? I'm solipsistic. Everything I do for you springs from a selfish motive.
"I desperately want it all"
I think we've found the root of our problems.
I forget how despensible and yet indespensible I am.
I forget that I cannot claim anything as my own doing, and yet forget the amount of effort required to make things work.
Sometimes, I think God's work is fused with who you are.
That's so beautiful...
... and scary
