Saturday, October 02, 2004

Spiritual rice bowl

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry

I've got my bedroom and pillow thank you very much.
Humanity, hubris. What are we to do? There are a ton of hurting people in the world, and if were to sit around and act upon our inability to understand rather then love, we as christians aren't doing what we were called to do.

"Love your neighbour as yourself" is hailed by the Lord as the second most important commandment. Why wait till we understand before we love? We cannot even understand ourselves yet we do anyway. Suck it up.

Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
and you don't know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.

I don't think we dare believe that anymore.
There are so many aspects when it comes to loving a person. It ought to be an art really. There's the message, the speaker of the message, the timing of delivery, the medium of delievery the style and the tone. Or maybe there just is no love. Period.

When you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to choose
Let me come along

I tried.

'Cause even if you're wrong...

yes, what if I'm wrong?

Take me in, into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you

When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you...

Thank you God, your faithfulness never ceases.

I'll stand by you ~ The pretenders

Friday, October 01, 2004

I love you, God

Things have been odd. I am really tired of explaining and deconstructing and struggling. God gave us a brain to consider our decisions carefully. He also gave us a heart to cast weight on our decisions. I don't want to make decisions just based on what I've been told, what I believe out of habit, or what i've been socialized in. I want to make desicions based on who I am. Who I am will have to be founded in who God is. God made us human, heart and mind and soul. All are involved in this decision process.

So with regards to my mind. It IS possible to overdo it. Like i have all of last year and last week, all mind, no heart or soul. The Summer served to remind me that I have a heart. After sacrificing every relationship in my musical for the sake of professionalism, after being told that I can no longer maintain healthy normal relationships with my devouring quest to consider and understand, after being called to live a life that is alive and not just safely on a balcony of christian rethoric, I break.

I am offered a chace to live with my heart and my mind. And this reminds me that I have a soul. Yes it is new. And it is precisely that it is new that i realise that my old conduct of belief and faith no longer logically stands. So my mind fails, and my faith (which has so been wrongly placed in my intelligent understanding of God) takes a new turn. Is there God here? Why not? So I am challenging my intellectual beliefs, taking this risk in the hope of a more organic, more integratedly real relationship with our God. If my understanding of our God who is never changing cannot stand in a new situation, I would like to test that understanding, and make it flesh.

Admittedly, prayer is not my forte, it does not come naturally to me. But for the past week, I have spent more time on my knees then ever before. I pray. I pray so hard that God will
reveal his will, I pray that he will guide me, for his wisdom, for his face. I have been reduced to praying child-like prayers, prayers like "if it is your will, do this, or do that". I constantly struggle with my motives, as i still am doing now and will always be. And I bring them to God, my confusion, my fears, my desires. I have prayed for the strength to do his will, for the sight to see. I fear my ability to delude myself. So I pray that God will make it undenaiably clear.

If there are three things I know about God, it is that:
1. He is never-changing. The same yesterday, today and forever
2. "as the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then
your ways and my thoughts then your thoughts."

I can only say then, that I can never say with confidence with regards to decisions like these, what his will would be. He is heart too, and is not OT legalistic.

And finally, what I know is that as God is holy, so he is gracious. And it is upon this grace that I fall upon to find holiness. I am broken, bruised, utterly confused and paralysed. No way I could make a proper decision no matter how much consider or how much of a concerted effort to think. I can only pray. So in my confusion, and inability to think, I pray. I couldn't just say no myself, the motives would have been wrong. I would not have done it out of obedience of my relationship with God, but becuase I would want to LOOK like a good Christian.

"Hannah, I think you worry too much about whether or not you do enough for God. That's not the point."
~ Mother

I saw the father side of God. How precious!

You're right. This is new. And i'm finding myself and God despite that. I don't want my God to be safe. I am not rejecting my up-bringing or the wisdom of my faith. But God matters more then all that.


Thursday, September 30, 2004

Two step

1. When God doesn't speak too loudly, don't listen too hard.
2. Retain the mystery of yourself.

I love Beautiful, DQ and Cherry.

Oops Q.. where are you?
I just hacked into your account to say...

20 positive things about you

1. you make people love themselves when you talk to them
2. you see right through people, and reach out to them where they need it most
3. you are endearingly confused, but you somehow put it across eloquently
4. you like your food
5. you can be frivolous
6. your passion is enough to keep many going
7. you don't seem to know how well you write
8. you have NO clue how much you've touched me with your life
9. your christianity is God-centered just as it is focused on understanding and loving humanity
10. you see the humour in things
11. you genuinely care
12. you have tremendous faith
13. your life is a testament of God's generosity, patience and unconditional love
14. you can be bloody smart without scaring me one bit
15. you struggle for your art
16. you know instinctively the things that frustrate many others
17. you are one talented chick
18. you are so strong
19. you LISTEN
20. you appreciate life and your passion for it shines

~Mrs Brett Anderson

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

How do 4 girls go though 30 rolls of toilet paper a month?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Betty Davis Eyes

Expose me, please. To myself.
I just really need to know.

God, be the center.

"Thou my great Father and I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I, with thee one."

Monday, September 27, 2004

I boarded the plane.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
Making independent decisions, based on my relationship with God and not just with my religion or my society. Finding a balance between intellect and heart, holiness and humanity. Living based not just on what I have been told but on who I am.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
Being in touch with God also means being in touch with myself. It means being and not just doing what is right. But it also means backing intentions with actions.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
It means going down on my knees in surrender. Surrendering my power and allowing myself for once to be swept away. Understand that His grace exists along side His holiness. And He is love. Finding Peace.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
... don't let me lose myself.

"But do I really feel the way I feel?"
Walking in Memphis ~ Marc Cohn