MR TEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

You're amazing too.
Your patience and tolerence is beyound what I have ever experienced.
Perhaps it was bred out of necessity.

I'm sorry my spelling never improved.
We WILL go out soon.
Thank you for inspiring us, for being friends, for being strong when we burnt the school, broke in and out, poked at you or just refused to shut up...

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall

Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
Now the future isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here
-call the man~celine dion-

Lofty Thoughts

I love you immensely.
I know that we'll never develop our current relationship to a further level beyound what we are.
I love you for your mind, soul, and nature.
I know that you were only doing your job, but it was your beauty that impacted me so much.
I love the world you belong to, one of courage, wisdom, intellect yet emotion.
I know so much more now, not just educationally, but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. You.
I love the knowlegde you imparted to us, and how you did.

I'm sorry to leave you behind. But I will never forget you. The greatest lesson was not what you thought or said, but who you are.

God bless.

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

-Forever Young-

We are but Clowns

It was pure horror really, to see all all pretenses stripped away with a single line, the distillation of our essence.
No wonder clowns are so Darn scary.

Painful revalation. We saw so much more then could ever be revealed in a lifetime. I never really knew my driving force in life anyway.
"I desprately want it all"
I saw there, in the studio, our cradle, the sheer waste of human life-forms. We're pathetic, hopeless, lost and afraid. With nothing to keep us together but the masks that we wear and in that one line, We threw them away, coming face to face with each other... and ourselves.

I saw there, the "who" and not the "what" of every person. What we thought true of someone, revealed to be nothing more then a symptom of a greater, sadder, more powerful yet simpler truth...

"I'm always alone"
"Whatever... i don't care.. whatever"
"If i smile, everything will be alright"
"I don't know"

And so we sat there, crying, scared. Knowing too much. The truth was what we sought (we were trying to find our inner clown dammit) and we realised that the truth was not worth searching for. At least not the truth of ourselves as humans...

It made us question how we are to live. With these truths or these masks. Perhaps more immediate.. how can we face each other again knowing now that we know each other far beyound what we intended. And how do we face ourselves? How do we Continue knowing how utterly worthless and pathetic we are? Do we convince our clowns that he will one day triumph over the world? Or do we just crumble...

We had never been aware of our condition perhaps, that we indeed believed in the masks we don to protect us from who we are. I never knew that I personally am driven by utter depravity, by a sheer desperation to have everything possible, emotionally, materialistically... So hence i find my source of greed, pride, fear, self-conciousness, worldliness and jealousy. I see why i want attention, why i want to go shopping... and why i am never satisfied... I Desprately want it ALL

If I Had it All

If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for
If I had it all

I could take anything
If I had no greed to bring
Only the poison that's tainting the clean
Oh, then nothing

If I had it all, you know
I'd fuck it up

If I were a king
If I had everything, piece by piece
If I had you if i could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for
If I had it all
If I had it all

If I had it all

One helluva Long Day

it�s sitting by the overcoat,
the second shelf, the note she wrote
that I can�t bring myself to throw away
and also
reach she said for no one else but you,
cuz you won�t turn away
when someone else is gone

I�m sorry �bout the attitude
I need to give when I�m with you
but no one else would take this shit from me
and I�m so
terrified of no one else but me
I�m here all the time
I won�t go away
it�s me, yeah I can�t get myself to go away
it�s me, and I can�t get myself to go away
oh God shouldn�t feel this way

reach down your hand in your pocket
pull out some hope for me
it�s been a long day, always ain�t that right
and no Lord your hand won�t stop it
just keep you trembling
it�s been a long day, always ain�t that right

well I�m surprised that you�d believe
in any thing that comes from me
I didn�t hear from you or from someone else
and you�re so
set in life man, a pisser they�re waiting
too damn bad you get so far so fast
so what, so long

it�s me, yeah and I can�t get myself to go away
it�s me, yeah and I can�t get myself to go away
oh God I shouldn�t feel this way
-Throwing up with MB20-

So i said: i feel like throwing up and rolling around. Or maybe letting myself expand to fill space. I need to burst.

And dammit, you have such a way with me.

The highlight of my day @ 1408 hrs

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

I Love you... ~Mclachlan

The snake and The lamb

I cannot like myself. Oh loving is not a problem, solipsistic philosophy is my goddess. But on the rare times when i can be honestly honest, I understand the extent of my decay, my detoriation, my damage. My arrogance and malice compound to breed a monster, ugly and crude, only to be swaddled in silk sheets of teasing smiles and giggles.
I could not like myself. But today, oh today, at a 67 bus stop, amidst a gaggle of cackling children, it dawned upon me... it's never too late to learn. To love, to forgive myself and not to give in to utter desperation and disappointment of what i am now.

Patience comes from love
Love comes from God

I've gotten over a major obstacle in my life, and left a major comfort zone (which in it's own ironic way was very uncomfortably) to return to an equlibrium... of what was always meant to be. (now ain't that uncannily right?) Maybe now my spirit can recuperate and become what God has always wanted me to be, not naive (daryl and luke made a big hooha abt this one) but innocent...

So i had beautiful day, without the sunshine... With little butterflys fliting in my heart (excuse the analogy Dennis) School is becoming a cradle, a little reverie from myself (which becomes invaluble at certain points of my life) Cept somethings just cannot be shoved aside to that little coner of forgetfulness...

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And he's always gone too long anytime he goes away

Wonder this time where he's gone
Wonder if he's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime he goes away

And I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know

Hey I'll leave the young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when he's gone
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
Only darkness everyday

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime he goes away
Anytime he goes away
Anytime he goes away
Anytime he goes away

Beautiful Bits

...Love means forgiveness, and love allows you to forget and move on and love allows you to think back with a mixture of fondness and nostalgia, but NEVER with regret and hurt... you're so right, so many times I've mistaken infactuation for love, and I now know how they differ. Love, a state of being, a verb a reflection of God, shouldn't have place for resentment.. ever... maybe I'll grow into it.. and learn again.

please, please remember how relationships are built on human feeling. They build because of human feeling. Ok so i'll be gentler next time...but i can't help but ponder upon the fact that human feelings are probably the most untrustworthly bitty of our entire make-up. We're so darn fickle... feeling does not equate to fact... and vice versa... so perhaps relationships would also be endowed with the same ephameral quality, not all or course but more oft then not i presume... That's why i don't believe in "frenz 4 ever" *shudder* not since my megalife days as they mostly never came to pass...

"Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
Its not a cry you can hear at night
Its not somebody who's seen the light
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah
~Hallelujah

So as much as i love my friends, I'm not afraid to let them leave, we've both served our purpose in each other's lives, to teach to comfort to carry through... It was for a reason... and it was good.

So i will leave many behind, not that they are unimportant, but just not meant to be... save a precious few that i would like to (and will) hold on to forever... If forever permits.

Long Live the King

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
well, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

yes you know it all.

Ok so we've all got issues on wisdom.
Just a thought, knowing much isn't wisdom....
Like who was it who said?
Being smart is knowing what to say...
Intelligent is how to say it...
And wise... when to say it .
We oft mistake all 3 yah?

Now it's living with the morning after...

Mmmmmmm, CG on sunday was a great encouragement, though the knowledge that i may have been less-then-perfect can be disheartening, but then again, perfection is something totally idealistic. and yes, i guess as you minister, they will minister back:

just wanted 2 say tt i tink wat u sed 2day made sense (u werent spkg 2 much) u had amazg tolerance mif e guys :) tkx 4 2day, jiayou (tuff job h haf :p) OHHHHH!!! so encouraging... thanks pam, you are such a blessing..

Beautiful

Ok babe, I'm not sure about the omen, but really really, try... Don't spend your life thinking about what you've done or should've done or want to have. ( this is screaming dennis ) but really, if we could only free ourselves from such unneccessary burdens, think of who we'd be!! Wow... do your best, strive.

Virgin Vodka

Ok, so technically, I'm not a virgin at vodka shots anymore. All thanks to my trusted chruch friends... I'm on about 6 shots for the next round! Just get me in a straight jacket. But it was a truely amazing time. I'm really grateful that it was you guys that i realised my low-tolerence level... and not at a club with strangers... So you laughed at me being high and Minah slutty, but you also stopped me from getting dead drunk with all the ice cubes and water. Thanks. And yes, i will not have shots unless I'm with you guys.But hell, 3 shots was FUN.

Ok was it might have been a doorway to a vice... that i can understand, But i guess i learnt so many things. I told my mum most of what happened... esp abt the drinking.. she was amused (Thank you God) And yes Daryl, I know what i want. it's just not now. Thanks for sharing the night with me... the bonding was great. And so were the revalations. Ok, so the environment was a catalyst but now more then ever i am convinced that I'm on the right path, when it comes to what i want (Yes we're talking dinner at your place Daryl). The affirmation makes things so natural and good, beautiful and peaceful. I couldn't have asked for a better relationship.

CONRAD!!!

I will miss you! Thank you for everything you've done.. get the london safe ok? thank you thank you...\

Best friend with Benefits

I'm sorry about yesterday's pisser-off session, but i hell did it for what i thought was best. It isn't something that I can help you in now, but I will try my best to keep trying to "sense your moods, cheer you up, talk it out of you, read your mind, complete your sentences." As i always have been doing, i hope. You'll get there... I have faith in you as i always have had.

I'm glad we resolved what we needed to last night.. It's not good to keep it in so i discovered... I'm very very contented now. Can't ask for a better state of single-hood or friendship.

Watch the early morning sun,
Drip like blood from the day,
See the buzy people run,
So many games to play
See the blue suburban dream,
Under the jet plane sky,
Sleep away and dream a dream
Life is just a lullaby

Oh, and everything will flow,
Oh you know everything will flow
Oh

Watch the day begin again,
Whispering into the night,
See the busy people play
Hurrying under the light,
A million cars, a million trains
Under the jet plane sky
Nothing lost and nothing gained
Life is just a lullaby

Oh and everything will flow
Oh I said everything will flow
Oh you know everything will flow
Oh
Oh and everything will flow
Oh you know everything will flow

The neon lights in the night tonight will say "everything will flow"
The stars that shine in the open sky will say "everything will flow"
The lovers kissed with an openness will say "everything will flow"
The cars parked in the hypermarket know "everything will flow''
~Suede