Saturday, August 02, 2003

I've been grumpy of late. I need things to do.

I realise that I am a creature of routine. I sure as hell need it. I'm so ineffectual when I'm slacking. So i sleep from 3 am to 11 am and then I wake up with a massive head-ache, go about doing little things then get sleepy by 5 pm. Gosh. I can't wait to start school... at least I'll have some sort of constant.

I've spent the last 2 day mingling with established individuals within the arts scene. And as usual, my little insecurites play up. Dammit.

I Desprately want it ALL

One of the most powerful TSD workshops that lofty conducted was the Clown one.
Where we all sat in front of the mirror and searched our images in the dim studio light to find "our inner clown".
So we all stared and dug for our "through-line in life".
To find "what we lived for"
"our driving force"
"source of motivation"

It was heart-breaking really. The one thing that had the potential to transform one into the quintessential comic was well, tragedy.
Not a new concept but when you are faced with real lives and precious individuals, the weight of it comes crashing down.
Tears were shed,
Facades torn,
And for a brief moment,
A little window in time,
Raw lives.
Naked and well...

Our need for God reaches far beyound what we know.

And so it all meets together.
My driving force and my struggles.
I despratealy want it all and all will rip me apart.

[Sat Sep 28, 08:20:32 PM | Hannah Lim | edit]

We are but Clowns

It was pure horror really, to see all all pretenses stripped away with a single line, the distillation of our essence.
No wonder clowns are so Darn scary.

Painful revalation. We saw so much more then could ever be revealed in a lifetime. I never really knew my driving force in life anyway.
"I desprately want it all"
I saw there, in the studio, our cradle, the sheer waste of human life-forms. We're pathetic, hopeless, lost and afraid. With nothing to keep us together but the masks that we wear and in that one line, We threw them away, coming face to face with each other... and ourselves.

I saw there, the "who" and not the "what" of every person. What we thought true of someone, revealed to be nothing more then a symptom of a greater, sadder, more powerful yet simpler truth...

"I'm always alone"
"Whatever... i don't care.. whatever"
"If i smile, everything will be alright"
"I don't know"

And so we sat there, crying, scared. Knowing too much. The truth was what we sought (we were trying to find our inner clown dammit) and we realised that the truth was not worth searching for. At least not the truth of ourselves as humans...

It made us question how we are to live. With these truths or these masks. Perhaps more immediate.. how can we face each other again knowing now that we know each other far beyound what we intended. And how do we face ourselves? How do we Continue knowing how utterly worthless and pathetic we are? Do we convince our clowns that he will one day triumph over the world? Or do we just crumble...

We had never been aware of our condition perhaps, that we indeed believed in the masks we don to protect us from who we are. I never knew that I personally am driven by utter depravity, by a sheer desperation to have everything possible, emotionally, materialistically... So hence i find my source of greed, pride, fear, self-conciousness, worldliness and jealousy. I see why i want attention, why i want to go shopping... and why i am never satisfied... I Desprately want it ALL

Thursday, July 31, 2003

The Practical, Unreasonable Girlfriend

Yes it's perfectly fine... darling.
Go on. really just go.
I'll be fine.

She says yes but her face says no.
She's using guilt.
Hey man, guilt is good.


No seriously.
Yes i understand guys need to spend time with old friends.
Yes acceptance is a piece of cake.
I do that too yes?

But I also understand the necessity of stewardship.
... yes i know that you would spend more then me....
no of course you eat more.
But that doesn't mean we live beyound our tangible means.
Whatever happened to budgeting and accountability? thank God for mummy.

01.03 am
It isn't too convienent is it?

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Spinning around

alrighty then.

1) TAGS publicity Hope it's acceptable
2) Go to the Canadain High Com Lady was seriously irritating. Didn't know what she was talking about.
"Yes, so what do I do now?"
"Now your situation is very comlicated. you should have done...."
"Yes, so what do I do NOW?"
"you see right, if you had..."

Thank God she called someone else.

3) Canada shopping 4 Bras, 6 pairs of knickers, 2 towels, 1 nervous spirit.... couldn't go wrong
4) Got contacted my Shulin Perfect. wondered how to go about doing that.

So what's left...
1) Buy shoes. 2 pairs to be exact
2) Meet up with Shulin and Kenley so they can meet each other
3) Buy stationery.
4) Do TAGS.
5) lofty's place for Dinner

6) Fly off to Canada.

I've never felt such weight before.

Don't you just hate being a big ball of emotion during the "in-betweens" of the day, on bus rides, while waiting
Only to forget everything that you wanted to capture on your blog.

TAGS #4's looking good. Got a bitty of things to do to while away the time before I leave for Canada. (yes the scary place) though...

I discovered that artisitically i am very dependent on external direction.
Not much personal art involved.
I'm not really what one would call an artiste.
Perhaps Jui Hsiang is right in this respect.
It requires a certain standing to be called an artiste.

You're a theatre student
Isn't it ironic?
How do you study something so profound and so innately human and basic?
TSD gave me so much but it was really up to me to find my theatre and I realise that perhaps I haven't.
All very well for scripted group pieces. Piece of cake.
But personal art...
Hell I can't even produce an independent piece of art that is true!

No wonder I didn't do a DS.

My theatre has always been shared.

I can't decide if that's positive or not.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Nokia 6100 is the phone for you. You always do what
you are told. You never make mistakes - or
atleast you try not to. You get upset easily
when what you have plan need to be changed,
especially at the last minute.

Which Nokia Cellphone is Most Suitable for You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not bad. Not bad at all. They're pretty good.

Bloody hell.

No seriously, just can it.

*beep* I hate it when people can't see sense.
It doesn't help that today comes with a very strong sense of self-reproach and a glimpse of disapproval.

Just because we are church leaders doesn't make us any more spiritual then anyone else
Amen to that.

It's just so myopic that we can't see that.
And even more harrowing that I cannot understand that I cannot expect such understanding from anyone else. They are after all only human

I know I know I know.
I forget I forget I forget.

There comes a time when you are judged twice over.
By the world
By yourself.

How do you handle that?

I have this sickening tendency to pull up the sheets over my hot little head and just disappear.
But you can't do that to yourself eh?

I've had enough and I'm ready to forget the reasons that keep me here.

I think i need a break. Stupid thing is, I don't know from what.

In your endless summer night
I'll be on the other side
When the water is too deep
I will ease your suffering
When the glitter fades in morning
Turn away and you will find my empty eyes
Your beauty blinds

Boys on the Radio ~ Hole