Wednesday, April 27, 2005

And I love you, I love you, I love you...
like never before.

Tonight's the last night that I will sleep in my bed. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that. I am feeling the mad panic rise in me, then I will live in a nomadic life for 2 weeks before going back to Singapore.

Packing's been a blur. Rediscovering. Late night conversations till 6 am. Dealing with and letting go. Meeting Amy, staring at familiar strangers, and strange family. Hard and fast relationships, and then the walls. Walls and rafts. Who I am and Home.


Dear Lord, I thank you for this year and for your blessing. Thank you for this Utopian existance that you have bestowed upon the 8 of us. Lord you are here and you are Good. I bless your name. There's great pain in leaving, and I have to admit that I haven't handled it well at all. I have to learn balance, moderation, sensibility and pacing in my life. But God, there is always room for grace. For now father, I commit this family into your hands. We will no longer be together like this, ever. We have just started to know each other but we've reached the end. We will drift apart and forget many things. And this is perfectly ok. I've done my reeling and ranting, and I'd like to believe that I can finally move on. Just... please... dear God... keep them.

I have made this my home.
And the great wordless pain here reveals the value of the past year.
I can barely breathe.

Sunday, April 24, 2005


I've started packing since my finals are all over. They went well. God is good. But for flashes in time, I almost wish they'd never end. I have finally fallen in love with my living situation and packing to move out -forever- is tantamout to torture. I walk around the quad dragging my emotions behind me, screaming and kicking. I don't want to leave.

At the same time, I can't wait to leave. To be back in Singapore where things are familiar and make sense. To see old familiar faces and to show them how much more I am. Beauty abounds. To see my mummy, daddy and brother all over again and to live with them. God has blessed me with such a good easy life, what am I and what do I have now to serve?

Then I can't wait to move into the basement, MY place for once, for maybe 2 years or so. We'll see.

I look back at my second year in university and I have to admit that it has been THE best year of my life thus far. I can't say that I felt happy more often, but when I did. Boy was I happy. Similarly, when I faced emotional issues, boy were they issues. To a certain degree, I recognise how these issues got in the way of living, but well, it's a struggle. Thank you Angie, for contantly reminding me of what i remind you.

So much to let go off, and so much to move on to. I'm at the stormiest, most intense period of my life, with much to feel, live and express. I am the flashy billboard that rises against the placid blue sky that tells you what to buy to be ME. Where I am now is the epitome of vibrancy and action. I am alive.

I'm in love, and subsequently, in pain.
What will I do without you?