*nervous laughter*
Ok ok so I got it wrong.I usually do.
Dennis was right. I have no faith humanity. Hmmmmm, what will it take for me to understand that people are not what i see them as? How will i bring myself to see and give into the love that exist in our condition. Wonder if i'll be able to see beyond the revenge, fear, resentment and selfish nature of who we are to the love, care, and gentleness. Maybe i have to eradicate all that from my life before being abled to move up onto a higher, more positive state of awareness and sensitivity. I'm so sorry for underestimating everyone... But i am beginning to see and let myself be vulnerable to the people around me. Angie, DQ, Andrea, Josh, Doc... Slowly slowly... I'll get there...
Maybe one day...
we'd gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement
we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up
we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion
we'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen
we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe
this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate
~Alanis
Thursday, October 10, 2002
I can't word my struggles.
Nor can you...
This cannot be right if it feels so bad.
So what do we do?
Would you come out and play with me... please?
It wasn't my intention to mislead you,
It never should have been this way,
What can I say?
It's true, I did extend the invitation,
I never knew how long you'd stay.
When you hear temptation call,
It's your heart that takes,
Takes the fall.
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
It's getting hard to wake up in the morning,
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction,
If I don't stop, the next one is gonna be me.
Only emptiness remains,
It replaces all, all the pain...
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
Never ends...
Only emptiness remains,
It replaces all, all the pain...
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
~Martika
Nor can you...
This cannot be right if it feels so bad.
So what do we do?
Would you come out and play with me... please?
It wasn't my intention to mislead you,
It never should have been this way,
What can I say?
It's true, I did extend the invitation,
I never knew how long you'd stay.
When you hear temptation call,
It's your heart that takes,
Takes the fall.
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
It's getting hard to wake up in the morning,
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction,
If I don't stop, the next one is gonna be me.
Only emptiness remains,
It replaces all, all the pain...
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
Never ends...
Only emptiness remains,
It replaces all, all the pain...
Would you come out and play with me?
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left right left
We ALL fall down...
Like toy soldiers.
Bit by Bit
Torn apart
Never win
but the battle wages on
For toy soldiers
~Martika
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
Do or do not...
There is no try... ~yoda
Right TAC... so what am I to do with with this gob-stopper?
Milk and toast and honey
Ain't it funny how things sometimes look so clear and feel so near
The dreams I dream, my favourite wishful thinkin'
Oh he's bookmarked everywhere, everywhere
True love might fall from the sky
You never know what to find but didn't he blow my mind this time
Didn't he blow my mind?
To bring a little lovin', honey
To take away the pain inside is everything that matters to me
Is everything I want in life
Oh lay a little lovin', baby
To feel you're gettin' close to me is everything that matters to me
Is everywhere I want to be
~ Roxette
There is no try... ~yoda
Right TAC... so what am I to do with with this gob-stopper?
Milk and toast and honey
Ain't it funny how things sometimes look so clear and feel so near
The dreams I dream, my favourite wishful thinkin'
Oh he's bookmarked everywhere, everywhere
True love might fall from the sky
You never know what to find but didn't he blow my mind this time
Didn't he blow my mind?
To bring a little lovin', honey
To take away the pain inside is everything that matters to me
Is everything I want in life
Oh lay a little lovin', baby
To feel you're gettin' close to me is everything that matters to me
Is everywhere I want to be
~ Roxette
Wednesday morning, 6:50
My imagination asked me how i was doing. Ok, so i replied "Not too good, I'm worried about a friend whose flame has died, I worry for her well being. I worry for my old flame, although extinguished, he's still very much in pain, and I, confused. I worry for an even older flame, still burning, but too quick and too fast."
Wednesday 12:00 noon
It's great to be home... all over again.
Wednesday afternoon. 2:40
We were like canvasas, stretched out tightly, covering every imaginable emotion:
Release, fear, the gnashing of teeth, contentment, ease, unease.
And upon us, picture after picture has been painted.
Each complementing the other, shedding more light on the painter's mind.
But it is still incomplete...
... it isn't enough.
Not enough just
to understand,
to see,
to come home to,
to support,
to uplift,
to encourage,
to feel,
to be contented with,
to be happy with,
to know without words...
to read minds
...and eyes,
to complete sentences,
to be beautiful to,
to reflect,
to muse,
to be inspired by
to be molded by
...and molded for...
...thus being unabled to run away from
to belong to,
to be a part of
to sing with
to laugh with
to share private jokes
to talk of days gone by...
... and days to come
to do the guy thing together,
to be an open book to
to do things especially for
to be there for
...and with
to think about all the time,
to connect on grounds so unimaginable,
to constantly amaze,
to always make things better... always
to be the only one that, at once, be loving and amusing,
to articulate with stunning clarity what cannot be worded,
to sense moods,
to talk it out of,
to accept unconditionally...
... and be accepted in the same way.
to be brutal, mean, bitchy and screwed up...
... and forgiven...
It's all a desperate attempt.
It's just not enough...
I don't want to use you
But i don't want to lose you
Just to have somebody by my side.
I don't want to take you
And i don't want to hate you
But i don't want to be the one to cry.
And i don't really matter, to anyone, anymore
Like a fool who keeps losing her place
I keep seeing you walk through that door.
There's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust,
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are,
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough...
Now i could never change you
And i could never blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall.
Guess I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you
Maybe i just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder,
It makes me feel like the rain,
Like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking sometimes going to change.
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know, it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are,
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone,
Are there things that you wanted to say?
Do you feel me beside you on your way?
There beside you where I used to lay...
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know, it's your heart they can touch,
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are...
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
And I realised, if I were to do what is right in relation to that special Him, I'd have to do what is wrong to my best friend, and support.
...Now how do you reconcile that?
My imagination asked me how i was doing. Ok, so i replied "Not too good, I'm worried about a friend whose flame has died, I worry for her well being. I worry for my old flame, although extinguished, he's still very much in pain, and I, confused. I worry for an even older flame, still burning, but too quick and too fast."
Wednesday 12:00 noon
It's great to be home... all over again.
Wednesday afternoon. 2:40
We were like canvasas, stretched out tightly, covering every imaginable emotion:
Release, fear, the gnashing of teeth, contentment, ease, unease.
And upon us, picture after picture has been painted.
Each complementing the other, shedding more light on the painter's mind.
But it is still incomplete...
... it isn't enough.
Not enough just
to understand,
to see,
to come home to,
to support,
to uplift,
to encourage,
to feel,
to be contented with,
to be happy with,
to know without words...
to read minds
...and eyes,
to complete sentences,
to be beautiful to,
to reflect,
to muse,
to be inspired by
to be molded by
...and molded for...
...thus being unabled to run away from
to belong to,
to be a part of
to sing with
to laugh with
to share private jokes
to talk of days gone by...
... and days to come
to do the guy thing together,
to be an open book to
to do things especially for
to be there for
...and with
to think about all the time,
to connect on grounds so unimaginable,
to constantly amaze,
to always make things better... always
to be the only one that, at once, be loving and amusing,
to articulate with stunning clarity what cannot be worded,
to sense moods,
to talk it out of,
to accept unconditionally...
... and be accepted in the same way.
to be brutal, mean, bitchy and screwed up...
... and forgiven...
It's all a desperate attempt.
It's just not enough...
I don't want to use you
But i don't want to lose you
Just to have somebody by my side.
I don't want to take you
And i don't want to hate you
But i don't want to be the one to cry.
And i don't really matter, to anyone, anymore
Like a fool who keeps losing her place
I keep seeing you walk through that door.
There's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust,
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are,
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough...
Now i could never change you
And i could never blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall.
Guess I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you
Maybe i just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder,
It makes me feel like the rain,
Like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking sometimes going to change.
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know, it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are,
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone,
Are there things that you wanted to say?
Do you feel me beside you on your way?
There beside you where I used to lay...
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know, it's your heart they can touch,
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are...
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
And I realised, if I were to do what is right in relation to that special Him, I'd have to do what is wrong to my best friend, and support.
...Now how do you reconcile that?
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
I've got so much to thank you for,
For This, for That...
For being a mold, a guide for the past 4 years...
...and hopefully for forever.
For being utterly selfless towards my selfishness, and for failing in that respect...
... so as to save me from myself.
For always standing by, no matter how ugly, how brutal I am,
For laughing at my Zoo jokes... (but they ARE good yes?)
For humouring me, even when you know i don't need it. *medusa*
For seeing me beautiful, only because you're beautiful yourself.
Love song for a vampire
Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum
It beats for you - It bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs...
Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold
Now the floor of heaven's lain
With stars of brightest gold
They shine for you - they shine for you
They burn for all to see
Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free
~Annie Lennox
For This, for That...
For being a mold, a guide for the past 4 years...
...and hopefully for forever.
For being utterly selfless towards my selfishness, and for failing in that respect...
... so as to save me from myself.
For always standing by, no matter how ugly, how brutal I am,
For laughing at my Zoo jokes... (but they ARE good yes?)
For humouring me, even when you know i don't need it. *medusa*
For seeing me beautiful, only because you're beautiful yourself.
Love song for a vampire
Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum
It beats for you - It bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs...
Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold
Now the floor of heaven's lain
With stars of brightest gold
They shine for you - they shine for you
They burn for all to see
Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free
~Annie Lennox
Monday, October 07, 2002
"..was formless and empty,
darkness was over
the surface of the deep.."
..and there was warmth
..and it was seperated
from chill
..call the warmth "love"
and name the chill
"emptiness"
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that there be effects
between the hollow expanses
to ward out the cold.."
..made the effects and
sliced
the chill from outside
and gave cover, to the
warmthwithin. and it
was so.
..call the effect
.."touch"..
and there was misery
as there was joy -
"..so that the space
between
be filled by things
intangible, that
another
may be felt from far away.."
..and "words" found
their way into being,
as did "longing" fill
the void, so left behind.
.."then..let the words grow:
that it's collectiveness may
bring links between
..longing..space,
and make distance, seperation,
more bearable."
Phrase and Letter establised
links between one warmth
and another, and another
and another.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that things may be carried.
longing, emotion, desire
that mark these touches and words,
and serve as incidences of
love and chill.."
..and love and chill
were accompanied
by fellowship and tenderness
that would uplift and support
in times of excess and need
that one
would never, ever be alone.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..as there be intimacy
as the scores of the seas
that would be enough
to build wonders
upon
wonders.."
..so love grew beyond
anything ever known to be
magnificent, iron-strong
bonds forged by hammers
of will.
distance, never being
a failibility.
that anything could
be overcome, by the
sheer strength of "to
-gether"
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that there be blood bond.
the gift, uncomparable,
beyond the greatest of touches
a blessing to the
inseperable of-links,
transcending-beyond-words
-touch-desire-fellowship
-intimacy-
'the most shining gift of love'.."
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
..so then, there was bliss..
"..and..then..ther..e..w..as.. ... "
doubt.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
that someday it would all be over.
that we could start all over again
that if we were bought
by blood,
by that blood we would rise again.
~philistine .38
darkness was over
the surface of the deep.."
..and there was warmth
..and it was seperated
from chill
..call the warmth "love"
and name the chill
"emptiness"
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that there be effects
between the hollow expanses
to ward out the cold.."
..made the effects and
sliced
the chill from outside
and gave cover, to the
warmthwithin. and it
was so.
..call the effect
.."touch"..
and there was misery
as there was joy -
"..so that the space
between
be filled by things
intangible, that
another
may be felt from far away.."
..and "words" found
their way into being,
as did "longing" fill
the void, so left behind.
.."then..let the words grow:
that it's collectiveness may
bring links between
..longing..space,
and make distance, seperation,
more bearable."
Phrase and Letter establised
links between one warmth
and another, and another
and another.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that things may be carried.
longing, emotion, desire
that mark these touches and words,
and serve as incidences of
love and chill.."
..and love and chill
were accompanied
by fellowship and tenderness
that would uplift and support
in times of excess and need
that one
would never, ever be alone.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..as there be intimacy
as the scores of the seas
that would be enough
to build wonders
upon
wonders.."
..so love grew beyond
anything ever known to be
magnificent, iron-strong
bonds forged by hammers
of will.
distance, never being
a failibility.
that anything could
be overcome, by the
sheer strength of "to
-gether"
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
"..that there be blood bond.
the gift, uncomparable,
beyond the greatest of touches
a blessing to the
inseperable of-links,
transcending-beyond-words
-touch-desire-fellowship
-intimacy-
'the most shining gift of love'.."
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
..so then, there was bliss..
"..and..then..ther..e..w..as.. ... "
doubt.
and there was misery,
as there was joy -
that someday it would all be over.
that we could start all over again
that if we were bought
by blood,
by that blood we would rise again.
~philistine .38
And it rained... for 4 years on end
Where do the birds go when it starts raining?
Do they hide in some secret place?
Warm and Cozy, or do they
Simply dissolve... like the minerals of the earth
Only to gather again when the sun show its face?
For i never see birds when it rains...
Where does the sun go when it starts raining?
Does it shed jeweled tears alongside its brother?
Cool and bright, or does it
Fall... silently, impotently to the earth
In the form of a naked bird, or some other?
For i never see the sun when it rains...
Where do we go when it starts raining?
Do we fun to envolope each in our breasts?
Silent yet aware, or do we
Simply stand apart, drenched, like the twelve apostles
Naked in the earth, silently falling into rest?
I hope not,
. . . . . .For I want to see us, still, when it rains...
Where do the birds go when it starts raining?
Do they hide in some secret place?
Warm and Cozy, or do they
Simply dissolve... like the minerals of the earth
Only to gather again when the sun show its face?
For i never see birds when it rains...
Where does the sun go when it starts raining?
Does it shed jeweled tears alongside its brother?
Cool and bright, or does it
Fall... silently, impotently to the earth
In the form of a naked bird, or some other?
For i never see the sun when it rains...
Where do we go when it starts raining?
Do we fun to envolope each in our breasts?
Silent yet aware, or do we
Simply stand apart, drenched, like the twelve apostles
Naked in the earth, silently falling into rest?
I hope not,
. . . . . .For I want to see us, still, when it rains...
Sunday, October 06, 2002
Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
They say I'm a healer,
I say they got it wrong...
Then again...
How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
But how often do you see a box with six kittens and their mom inside being hit and smashed in the middle of the road one day and afterwards the road is a bloody mess.?
So i retook it, considering that i had just broken up with someone with whom i was very different with and...
How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
............... Yeah right.
My parents would opt for the former.... considering today...
A 60-strong band of kids,
Whom i love, yet sometimes dislike.
............ pretty intensly........... when it boils down to this.
I did it all wrong i suppose,
Car,
Lunch,
Walking away,
But it was what i knew best.... maybe i'm just not good enough....
I cry too Daphne, we could do a V.woolf re-make.
We cry alllllllll the time
not all the time maybe, but for me,
Bad enough to envolope everyone else into anger...
Pride vs Pain
It was at 2 i realised that my family, as perfect as i believed it to me,
Could not handle me, in the best way i knew,
In healing
Theirs is a way of pain, hunger even...
I cannot handle them,
We're human.
So i'll find my home elsewhere... maybe in you...
Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way
I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way
~Jewel
