Saturday, June 13, 2009

Every morning I wake to this

and this

Can my life get any better?

Friday, June 12, 2009

I loved the Hannibal Lecter character in The Silence of the Lambs. The last person I want to see get hurt in that story is him. And I think, "Why do I look at him as a hero figure?" Because you respect him. Because he represents everything you wish you could be in a lawless, moralless society. I allow myself to think, "Yeah, if I could kill people without reprimand, maybe I would, you know?" I hate myself for thinking that, but there's an appeal to the idea, because it is a true freedom. Is it wrong? Yeah. But is there an appeal to that? Yeah. It's the ultimate taboo.

My awakening about all that stuff came from meeting Sharon Tate's sister. While I was working on Downward Spiral, I was living in the house where Sharon Tate was killed. Then one day I met her sister. It was a random thing, just a brief encounter. And she said: "Are you exploiting my sister's death by living in her house?" For the first time the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face. I said, "No, it's just sort of my own interest in American folklore. I'm in this place where a weird part of history occurred." I guess it never really struck me before, but it did then. She lost her sister from a senseless, ignorant situation that I don't want to support. When she was talking to me, I realized for the first time, "What if it was my sister?" I thought, "Fuck Charlie Manson." I don't want to be looked at as a guy who supports serial-killer bullshit.

I went home and cried that night. It made me see there's another side to things, you know? It's one thing to go around with your dick swinging in the wind, acting like it doesn't matter. But when you understand the repercussions that are felt ... that's what sobered me up: realizing that what balances out the appeal of the lawlessness and the lack of morality and that whole thing is the other end of it, the victims who don't deserve that.

Trent Reznor Lost Highway Interview ~ Rolling Stone March 6, 1997

Thursday, June 11, 2009

On hands and knees and breathing deeply.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Life is going impeccably well. But still with a sense of heaviness that is unwieldy and sometimes spills over to make a mess of myself. I guess my rationale is that the more I spill, the less there is left in the bowl, And it's better that I spill as much now when there's not one else but me around, so I can do all the cleaning up. I don't want a surprise disaster when there's a cocktail party going on.

On another, but related, note - thank god for ADD. There is no end to the shinys that distract me while I'm waiting for the spills to dry.

H: [pointing to the water fountain] "Rainbow!"
G: Eh you damn swa ku leh! Don't you know that if you spray water into the sunshine you will always get a rainbow?
H: Yah. But I don't have time to go about randomly spraying water around to make myself happy. I take whatever I can get man!

And I meant that in a semi-sad way, with a pinch of memory.

Monday, June 08, 2009


This eve, I had dinner with M and G and the rest. An obligatory gesture bred of ancient habit that has hatched into a chicken called necessity. Who am I to question a thousand years of incubation? G was in one of his moods again. The mood that would cast a shadow thicker then a blanket over the steaming plates of food, and us. We sat in silence as he riled against everything, with hurtful precision. At one point, I calculated the net worth of our relationship and wondered how much I was willing to pay to slam my utensils down in insolent, ungrateful retort. I decided to keep shoveling food into my face: I may have a penchant for drama, but I'm not stupid. Besides, he is what he is, to me and to himself and no amount of reasoning, confrontational or no ,would dispel the abusive or bitterness that has grown up alongside his wealth.

And that's when I realized he reminded me of JF and the proximity of such character traits scared the crap out of me.

"He seems to be emotionally abusive" I mention tepidly to C, not wanting to offend.
"Oh, but he is." She says with an affirmative lighthearted chuckle.

I fell silent. It's easy I guess, since G's bi-weekly presence can be quarantined and dealt with there, even with distant affection. "He's just like that, you know?". But what if you were to live with this, under this, for the bulk of your life? How is this living? I marvel at the strength it took to just be, scared hurt but still fighting for what you need, knowing that what should be yours by nature has been coldly taken from you and given to another, while you watch.

I expressed a part of my bitterness. Why was G so friendly to outsiders and not to me? He's mine! Yes, C agreed with me, but that's the way things are with him. And I thought about how this pattern isn't new, how one uses the ones closest to give face to others. Why care of the close when they are close already?

But he is very astute when it comes to one's character, C continued. oh? Yes, even though he treats you badly, he can see and know that you're a good person. Oh.... -silence- So? I asked. I don't need him to tell me that I'm a good person, I know that. The question is why does he treat me that way if he cares for me, likes me and thinks me good? C sighs, yes, she says. I know. Humpf, so much for his subjective experience of affection - of what good does it do when I end dinner rolling my eyes. Thanks for the affection, G.

A part of me heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god I got away the way I did, with full knowledge and a clear understanding of the situation. It solidified further the appropriateness and wisdom of my decisions, especially that one in March. But it also made me sad, because G has been this way for decades, with no hope of redemption or peace. Unreasonable demands, expectations, selfishness and myopia got the better of his ability to be happy and I fear the poison has dulled the sense that senses love. Or at least, makes one fear love, killing it slowly.

Anyway, my sadness spill over to JF. Judging from G, maybe he just won't ever be happy, will only see darkness and think himself doomed to hell (neither of them actually believe that. I checked). But in all, it was nice to see that there is life after all that, and maybe one day there will be space for me to say what I want to say. I found, even in my anger, that I never wanted to offend G. I just wanted to tell him that he was being fucking ridiculous, and that really, this was his fault. Now can we get on with our relationship and actaully get to know each other?

Nah. Life is life I guess. He is what he is and I will always be standing on the outside with a hug and a conversation ready, wondering why he wont come out.

I found this:

Bonnie Fink, Louisville, Ky. writes:
This country is going to hell in a hand basket. First, we are removing God from everything because we are afraid of hurting the feelings of Illegal aliens, etc. What a load of crap! This country was founded on Christian principles…remember the Constitution of the United States? Now, we are in the energy crisis of the century, and the Democrats are LARGELY at fault for it! Congress had better do something….and fast…or we will soon become the United States of China!

and this

Bill Higgins=Staten Island, NYC writes:
It doesn’t matter who was the cause on the oil crisis. The CRISIS is fact and is killing the AMERICAN ECONOMY. The CONGRESS has a responsibility ( both Republican & Democrat ) to do what is good for the country. DRILl,DRILL, DRILL. Those that can’t understand this should be listed and thrown out by the people.

In response to this

I am afriad of Americans.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Many good things. :)