1330 hrs: Burma is amazing
1345 hrs: I love Bogge
1630 hrs: Ahhh, to work in a team!
1730 hrs: 'tweak tweak'
1930 hrs: I'm dying inside
2230hrs: This place is amazing

So many things to do, so many lessons to learn, so many people to love!

Choose wisely ok?

Geez louise! How I love you still!

Ugh! Everytime I throw something away, or buy something I feel evil. EVIL! Our earth is dying and here I am, happily sucking at capitalism's boob. It's murder I tell you!

This trip has been, quite simply, perfect. There are many things left to be desired, of course - like healing a couple of broken relationships, and extending this vacation to say... forever. But nonetheless, there is perfection here, in its simplicity, humility and gentleness. I am so easy to please.


I think that this has been an important trip for me. This restfulness has been purposeful and almost solemn in the silent, contemplative way I've held the view from the bus and car windows. Many windows, many journeys, all within this ridiculously tiny city. The colours are bright in the sunshine and the neon lights scream out from the dead of night. But the nights are never actually dead. Here is a country, a region, that cannot sleep for its excitable youth, with all its angst in identity formation, self-determination and otherization. Still beautiful in its youth with an unbelievable array of perennially blooming flowers and endless coats of fresh paint, she's ridiculous.

Then there's Christmas - and this is why I miss Singapore, every decorative ornament during the capitalist season is classy. No chunky plastic Santa towering on a drunken slant by a decrepit sidewalk of chalky grey. The trees are proudly wreathed with lights trinkets and glamour - in vogue, and not merely humbly laced with a flaccid trail of lights, leaving more nakedness then cheer shining through. Even the fountain of wealth at Suntec has been girdled with fairy lights like a luminous caterpillar, giving it the air of an aristocratic child dressed in starched lace (macam tat glam, actually).

And I have been quite silent, letting defenses fall to receive lots of chicken soup, curry, prawn mee, portraits and love. But beneath the surfacial bubbles of contended consumption I'm preparing for the return to Vancouver. I sometimes feel like a baby swapped at birth, returned to my real parents at the politically ripe age of 21. While being here, I've developed a sense of purpose - I'm here, not just to be here, but to prepare to go back. I am very much here now, that I may be very much there when I'm back. I'm at that stage in life when I can no longer live parallel lives 16 hours apart. I will need to devote my current state of being into building something strong, present and sufficient.

Sufficiency beyond me. I prayed for God's heart and found myself in a constant state of tears this year. I am now praying for... his hands? Well whatever it is, the means to carry out whatever task I've been called to do, that He might bless the work of my hands, allowing me to find favour, and success. I'm really not sure what that might mean. But it sure as hell has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.

So I'm simply going to sit back, relax, eat more food, put on some flesh, laugh and bask in the endless wealth and comfort that Singapore has to offer. Only 11 more days before I return to battling the cold, and my anger.

I pray for grace, and while I do so, I pray for strength and direction to understand justice.

2 things that surfaced in the shower - for me.

Be more honest with yourself
Be very very sure that you have come to terms with the consequences of a decision before launching into it.

I'm starting to notice, that amongst the other things I miss about Singapore, I am looking forward to being in her sophistication.

I miss being in a society that works, is clean and is relatively honest with itself.

Since when have I forgotten that cleanliness, safety and sophistication are NOT virtues?
I think I am embarking on a remolding of my outlook in life.

I climbed the tree with my Hannahlee
My intentions they were pure
Oh the breeze did whip and I lost my grip
I tumbled towards the earth
Where You never would guess who it was that stood below
And his name I would never tell
But His eyes were clear
And His arms were strong
And caught me as I fell

Hannah ~ Ray LaMontagne

Luke 12:22-34

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

It's all the nuances in life that serve to remind me, not just of God's grace, but of his presence. The extent of his care then, must be met with my extent of obedience. We'll get there.

This seems to resonate with what, put simply, I believe in: Hell is when you MUST do what you want to do. It's the tyranny of choice.

What we need is less of "you can be ANYTHING you want to be" (which is an outrageous lie), and more of "this is who you are". And yes, I know what I'm saying.

We are free from many things that used to chain us. But we no longer have any goal to weave our freedom toward. We have nothing to be free for, so what is the point of freedom?
Of course, there is always the self.

And what's going to happen when our relationships become subsumed by this?

I think we just need to remember that we are finite, and should understand that we need a frame work to work in and to work with. And we have to understand that we are not alone here.



"Her beauty is only skin-deep, surfacial. I mean, this is all there is really. Nothing else to her. And to make things worse, She's delusional, and arrogant"
~ Conversation on the bus.

My life, is perfect.

But it's 1 am, and all I want is to connect with someone. To belong. To be known.

And if I cannot be that, I might need to recollect, reflect and reassert.
Home is near.

It's 4 am, I have a constitutional law exam in less then 12 hours, and I have a bone to pick with Creationists. If you are one, please respond to me. Dialogue is always great.

I don't quite see why we have this debate to start with, it has become quite passe. It must be the last vestiges of frustration I encountered a couple years back when in attempting to engage in a bible study on this topic. Frustration to no end. It's 4 am.

Anyway Creationism doesn't seem to serve any purpose in the Christian narrative. Science has pretty much debunked the allegation of God's hand molding us from clay, and history has reveal Genesis to be a rip-off (albeit a necessary act of plagiarism) from ancient Mesopotamian creation myths that pre-dated the Jewish race. Neither of which, of course are verifiably empirically true, we juggle ourselves from theory to theory. Some we take more seriously then others like, say, gravity. But there is a reasonable, rational basis for living by some and chuckling at others. And while God definitely transcends reason, it definitely isn't biblical to subvert it. He gave us faculties, he gave us gifts, he gave us capabilities of satient understanding out of utter respect for both our beings and His glory (I guess our existence is inextricably tied to his glory ala Westminister Confession of Faith). Besides, faith and science have never been mutually exclusive. If I believed in an all-powerful god, why should I be fearful of Newton? Afterall, there is plenty of evidence that God, while being the definition of goodness, is also, the God of evil. That would be the logical conclusion for a monotheistic faith in an All-Powerful being. While defining goodness, he is supreme over evil (or however else you want to define this).

The only response I remember receiving thus far is "do you believe that the Bible is God's word?"... "If you do not believe that the Creation story if fact, how can you believe the rest of the Bible?" And this is where it gets really messy.

Fact and Truth are, in my odd mind, altogether separate things. One precludes a empirical rendering of objective elements, and the other seems to encompass elements that go beyond what's lying in the petri dish. That my mother once hit me, is fact. But it does not follow that she ceased to love me (right mumsy?). Context context context. So the creation myth then, can very easily be truth without being factual. It all boils down to the realm beyond positivist fact and empiricism. The Genesis story is true - it doesn't tell us what happened (does it really matter? can we ever know?) it tells us why. Its purpose back when Israel was building its nation (by 'back' I mean 2000 BC not 1948), was to give her people an identity. Creation stories birth our ontologies and paradigms. Who we are is very much built on where we came from. And to have carved a chosen nation from scraggling nomads and the riff-raff of society calls for some extensive identity formation. To carve the Church from centuries of mistakes and myriad fragmentations also calls for some extensive identity formation. And herein lies where the Bible is truth - it's the story of who we are, not what happened to occur back when...

This interpretation of the creation story is, I think, the progeny of the modern age and all its epistemology. We see, numbers, facts, charts, graphs and empirical knowledge. I do not see how this alone is congruous to the Christian story. It has to be more then what is scientifically measurable. But this is what Creationism is built on, an attempt (a pretty good one) to build the warm flesh of truth onto the partial and incomplete skeleton of fact. If we take away our scientific reading of the creation story, would we come to the same conclusion? I don't see how. And yet insistance on this 'truth' leads to an ironic reality - When the gospel of love winds up being presented in forms that are instantaneously intellectually exclusive.

And if we are to stick to face-value factual renderings of the Bible, Mark 9:1 is going to pose us some serious issues: And he said to them, "I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God come with power (NIV). There aren't many people around from 33 AD who haven't yet 'tasted death' and a strict scientific rendering of the text "Kingdom of God" would, in Christianese, mean the second coming of Christ, all that Jazz in Revelations and what have you not. There is something (and that something is pretty big) that isn't consistent here. And if I remember correctly, consistency is a number one tenant of the scientific method.

So what really is going on? Are we so trapped within our arrogant paradigms that we can't see beyond ourselves, and our human accomplishments. The other gift of the modern age is the phenomena of individualism and a crippling toward respect for 'the other'. If we are going to restrict truth to a single interpretation of the Word of God, we might as well say that God is mono-lingual. And that just negates everything.

Why am I even doing this? I remember saying 3 years back, that this debate really didn't matter. Can we focus on other things that actually have weight? Like really loving our neighbours, really getting to know ourselves, and really studying for law school midterms?

[Edit 16:25]

I forgot, that God created us is a statement that speak to ontology, not methodology.

Teach me to delight in You, and in the work you give me. That it might be pleasing in your sight.

Post-modernity - theo-politics - theology and the state - theo-structuralism - identity - community - and a whole host of other disciplines I have yet to learn the names of...

Dear Curto. Thank you for the breath of fresh air and reminding me, again, of what I truly believe, what I want to be, and what I want to study. Will you academically marry me?

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form, crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling. Spin me round again and rub my eye, this can't be happening. When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy. Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. All those years... they were here first. Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before. The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life. Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. Oh, you won't catch me around here. Blood and tears. They were here first. What you say? That you only meant well? Well, of course you did. What you say? That it's all for the best? Ah of course it is. What you say? That it's just what we need? And you decided this. What you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you.

You don't care a bit.

All we have, and all that we are, exist within the tones of tension that resonate from the relational ties we create. Like the strings from a violin, the music is all bound up here. It's all we can know. You, me, he... we. It is our identity. It's a give and take. Mutually defined, encircled by power plays and politics and vastly jarring notions of truth and love - we live in a world dictated by identities.

Now, my identity has been a continual process of give and take. But I will remember what I had to give up in order to take, and I will reclaim it when the time comes. And when I find my identity solidified again, I can only hope that I haven't lost too much.

And, I only speak to what is mine. Not yours. My journey. My map!

Eh, failure seems to loom quite near leh. How ah?

Dear God, remind me that as you are who you are, I am who I am.
No more and no less.
Instill in me the true sense that I cannot ask you to be anything else,
then what you are.
Teach me grace, faith and love.
Humility and strength, beyond the simple understanding of this world.
You have proven yourself faithful.
Now draw me near, even if it hurts.

在，有，是。

Now, instead of framing myself in terms of what I am not, I need to start seeing myself in terms of who I am.

Once again, it's a question of being. Be. Be-ing.

If I am simply identified by the residual of existence that is yet to be claimed and named, I then look only to darkness that the light has not yet touched.

I have my own light. I just need to know how and where it belongs.
As a city, on a hill.

break me!

And teach me to live life well.

It is easier to ask for forgiveness, then it is to ask for permission.

The way I see it, the Honour of the Crown was lost a long time ago, and I do not see how it can be sufficiently redeemed.

I think I take my angst out on systemic structures, while trying to love people. Which is why I think Hitler's image needs to be rehabilitated (if we cannot recognize his humanity how can we really atone our race?) while our modern social structures should burn in hell for their lack of equity, sympathy and genuinity. I think this is also how I can cast my eye at the Virginia Tech massacre, honour their brave, bleed with their wounded and still wonder, to what extent did society create this for themselves? We build the structures we exist in. It's all we have and it's all we are. Are we just going to close our eyes?

It's like brushing your teeth. You just do it everyday. It's just something you have to do. It's something you should do, as a human being. You don't get awards for brushing your teeth!
~ Roomie, on why she did not go to the Black Ball to be awarded for a ditty that she did in South Africa.

我想， 加拿大种族宽容政治效果是要把所有的“外国人”当成‘白人’。 但是，我们不是白人。另外的解决办法就是把我们弄成无形的实体。

如果你无法承认，看好我们， 和好好的把这些差异在心里和解好，就请告诉我： 除了我们上帝给你他的精神以外，我这么样有法对你尊敬？

如果你个人的世界观是这么狭小，你怎样能可以要求格外的世界大心的爱你？

To speak of freedom from a christian context, is never simply to speak of 'freedom from'. For this is only the beginning.

But now that we have had the chains lifted away, we can go. We now have freedom to finish the race that we've been called to run. And not sit back down in the same cell to watch TV.

Now it is to be free from the idea that my worth and measure of success is bound solely by stubby arms of 'the curve'. Have I always been such a slave to institutionalized academia that I cannot see beyond the gentle crest that rises ahead? Like I seem to be married to organized religion?

Now how do I claim freedom here, and make it true?

I remember...

that the difference between a blessing and a curse is the difference between love and selfishness.

But I cannot remember where I stand, or how I got here.

And I do not ask for sympathy.

...This place is a prison

Reading my property law textbook on aboriginal title moved me to tears. These people have such great strength of spirit and depth of culture. Our skyscrapers only magnify the shame that should be laid on our shoulders. And all around the world, peoples remain bleeding for decades of callous conquests.

Once that you've decided on a killing
First you make a stone of your heart
And if you find that your hands are still willing
Then you can turn a murder into art

There really isn't any need for bloodshed
You just do it with a little more finesse
If you can slip a tablet into someones coffee
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess

Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less

Because murder is like anything you take to
Its a habit-forming need for more and more
You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore

Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious
In history's great dark hall of fame
All our greatest killers were industrious
At least the ones that we all know by name

But you can reach the top of your profession
If you become the leader of the land
For murder is the sport of the elected
And you dont need to lift a finger of your hand

Because its murder by numbers, one, two, three
Its as easy to learn as your abc
Murder by numbers, one, two, three
Its as easy to learn as your a, b, c, d, e

Murder by Numbers - Sting

------------------------------------------------------

The Constitution is a Living Tree

It's better to own ~ Joel Bennett

Yesterday I had a conversation with a lawyer about the lack of sympathy and empathy.
Today, BBC reports that Canadian police have tasered a polish immigrant to death.

I hope that this serves to remind me, one day, when I am in the concrete jungle of wealth and slave to my desires. That I will look back to a time when I really believed in living for lives beyond mine and for reasons beyond self-gratification. And then I will pack up my bags, leave all this behind and go to where I'm called.

Then I will turn around, and from the jungle in Laos, look you back in the eye, hold out my hand and demand justice.

A society that cannot respect another culture is hardly deserving of respect itself.

It is a journey, to reconcile my identity with a particular political past. How do I say that I belong to all this, when I can only begin to see its face through squinty glares and seething slits?

Hunger only for a taste of justice
Hunger only for a world of truth.
~ Tracy Chapman

I think, in this day of democracy and capitalism, there is more state in church then there is church in state.

Not that they should be merged, or completely severed in our personal lives. But we need to be very very clear of who we are, and where the convictions of our communities lie, our priorities and the signals we send, the roles that we play and the persons that we ultimately are.

I also need to work on articulating my convictions. In word and deed.
First off, are these really convictions?

What would it look like, to completely stop living for myself?

I am so glad to be living with like-minded people. People with whom I can connect with, share, laugh, love and be safe with.

Lyn and Joy, you guys rock.

Here is where God blesses.

You think he's alive but the flies make you wonder...

It suddenly hit me today that there is no definitive authority in understanding life. To be thought to be ridiculous isn't an indication that change is necessary, or inevitable, or that it will happen toward the sunlight of sanity. Which is why, I have found that I am simply incapable of expressing disagreement, perhaps? I leave the expression of my thoughts hanging, to be filled in as life rushes through. I volley ideas and words, none indicating a permanent stance, but rather another footstep in the journey. Towards? Somewhere good. But it isn't here.

To be conclusive, is to fall short of reality.
If convenience is the order of today,
I choose conviction.

I am so afriad that one day, North America will become 'normal' to me. And that the cutesy little island will become exotic and foreign.

I know that when that day comes, I would have lost a little piece of myself.
The piece that stops the days from getting dark.

I don't want this place to become my home.

I am learning that my invisibility doesn't really have much to do with my height, but rather, the colour of my aura.

I am not going to beat myself up for the vision that rises before my eyes, but only force myself to step through it with grace.

Remember not to confuse the symptoms with the root of the disease. Western medicine has left us bereft of meaning in the notion of 'health'.

I don't listen to the voices that seem to speak to a persona that doesn't exist, when their eyes are glancing at me. When my name isn't safe in your mouth, your words will sound like they are miles away, alien and inconsequential.

I'm not running dry.

In the morning in the winter shade....
I thought I saw you breathing.

You were the sweetest thing that happened to me last summer. Thank you for taking me in, making me family, and completing the precious that I had. For showing me who they were by showing who you are.

Oh the glory that the Lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the window

You have demonstrated that God is good. And I'm sorry I won't see you next summer.

Oh the glory when he took our place
And he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes

Casimir Pulaski Day ~ Sufjan Stevens

Take me back to a time when I actually cared.
I need some engaging to be done to me

I need to be centered, and to not lose myself to goals, ideas and cookie cutter definitions.

In order to deal with this, I read my undergrad essays. I wonder if I should cry.

I will ask for the moon.
You never know, they just might give it to you.

And thanks to Lauryn Hill, music is once again my preacher.

"Uh.... I have a law student here citing The Carebears as an authority. What's going on?"
~ BBB

I am really glad about how things in the past have panned out. I am very happy, very in love, and very confident about the future. It would take a lot of effort on my part to ruin my life. What can I say? This is perfection! House hunting along kits, lawn bowling with odd boys, connecting with bits of home strewn across the planet.

It's like a good chocolate lava cake.

Ok! The boys are coming to pick me up to study!

I was fourteen when you took me into your home and offered me a week's wages of pop. You showed me your life, Shaun of the Dead and strength. You gave me headlice and a perspective of life that has never left me. You changed my worldview, and I will attribute my life's work to you.

I don't remember your name and have no way to contact with you. You probably wouldn't remember me anyway, just another wide-eyed tourist sponging off your country. You must be at least 19 now, if you're still alive. And you'd be watching and waiting, with the rest of the world to see how life, in the next few moments, will unfold into the future.

"I think I might have told you before that I owe Burma something, at some point I will go back... [what?] .... I'm not sure exactly"
~ Majortombo

I am praying for you and your country, as you were once Christ to me.

The only thing that motivates me to study is that thought that maybe, one day, I'd be in places like Burma, changing the world.

Today, I realised that my shell anklet didn't go with my new boots. It chaffed my ankle , rubbing the skin away. I had told myself at Bunaken that I'd take it off the moment I had healed, when it didn't matter anymore. It's been on me for the past two and a half years, a silent symbol. The sunset was fire, I was reading a book on post-modernity, and I was bald.

I guess the waiting never ends. Who completely heals anyway?

I just want to wear my boots!

I get a rush of vengeful joy, when I meet a Singaporean who squirms at my mention of them 'still' having a Singaporean accent. I like to point it out. There is no shame in being who you are.

I thought about grace today.
What makes it tick?

Tom: Is it St. Peter or St. Paul that mans the gates of heaven?
Me: It's St. Peter.
Tom: St Peter eh? So he finds out if you've been naughty or nice?
Me: No, that's Santa Claus.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

M: No, I still eat eggs (on becoming a vegetarian)
J: Yeah a lot of vegetarians eat eggs
H: What?? But that defeats the purpose of being a vegetarian, it's like eating a chicken fetus!
C: Well, most vegetarians are pro-choice.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tee hee.

It's 3 am. I am 3/4 my way though one assignment.

I also have 63 friends on facebook.

Of Course.... ....

Certainty has been a faithless wife. I've been married to her at the alter of my decisions for the past two years and she comes and goes from our bed. And tonight was a night when she left me, all alone, to my semi-self in the very harsh present. It was like life in techni-colour. Was I so sure of myself?

But I must be. In 2006, I gave up a passport, an Identification Card, and a registration certificate.
But I did not give up my identity.

You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.

So here I am, peering into a buffet of forever, of possibilities. It seems like I can go anywhere, do everything, be anyone. But there's only one place I want to be.

If Anthony's right, then I only want to be wealthy to bless others.
And I hope that Singapore does that too.

Hey! So, again, I am, never, alone, in, experiencing, my experiences.
If I had a choice, I'd probably do it all over again.
There is, afterall, redemption.

原点

拥抱的时候心情有点痛
也去提早感受到寂寞
离开的时候只听见沉默
除了沉默我还能怎么做选择
别对我抱歉别总觉得对我亏欠
现在他在你的身边就对他好一点

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远就不要说再见
不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们经过那么多考验
最后还是回到了原点

总有那一天相遇的瞬间
确定那些冷漠的从前已走远
别对我抱歉别总觉得对我亏欠
现在谁在你的身边就对谁好一点

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远就不要说再见
不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们经过那么多考验
最后还是回到了原点

我应该就走开就算感情还在
我应该就放开对他不再依赖
忘了曾有过的片段
这是属于你们的未来

不要看到你们的爱败给了时间
我能愿选择离别没有一句怨言
直到你能若无其事聊起了从前
我才发现彼此都了解
默契是最宝贵的语言

~ Tanya Chua and Stephine Sun.

music MUSIC MIUUUUUUSIC. mooooooooooooooooosic.

you know where my heart is at.

I'm sitting here, in a law lecture, fervently taking notes.

But all I can think of is Southeast Asia.

My heart is not here.

Don't let them lead you to the path of narrow-mindedness
~Daddy

I wonder if my constant desire for the future signals a boredom/discomfort/annoyance with my current state of being. Its not that I'm unhappy in law school. It's just... I'm so darn impatient.

I just really want to be a theologian with my hands firmly grasping the world.

Now if I can just bring my head down into my heart and my heart into my hands...

In other news, I really miss TOMBO and Seth thinks that I'd make a great first marriage.

Hey! It's the weekend!

Justice

I am here. I know I'm here. I'm glad I'm here.
Because I am strong and bigger then all of this.

Many have fought for this before.
Now, watch me.

Even the ravens are fed...

I am well taken care off. Emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I'm so out there, I'm afraid that I'd become familiar with what's in here.

I. Need. To. Stop. This.

PMS

I was thinking to myself the other day, that my life goals are quietly becoming my identity. Now what happens if they change? Or I simply do not follow through?

oh dear...

I'm tired but I'm workin' yeah!

All at once, I feel excited and depressed, uplifted and oppressed.
On the emotional spectrum, I meet both ends.

I wonder how much longer I am able to go on.

Today's midterm went terribly. But that's besides the point. It could've been a lot worse. I could've been a monk in Burma. But then again, maybe I'd rather be a monk in Burma.

It dawned on me on the way home from choir today that my phobia of normality might deem it difficult for me to be content with, well... mediocrity.

In short, I want to change the world.

While Burma is possibly on the brink of revolution, I'm studying for my Regulatory State test tomorrow.

What went wrong??

I'm warm.
Like an egg.

I want this. And I'm really glad that I'm not here in the lyrics.

Philippians 4:13

Does "all things" also mean "everything at the same time"?

Jeremiah 29:11

I was very tired. Head burdened with the heaviness of an on-coming sickness. I tried to sleep on the 17 ride home from work, because I needed every bit of rest I could find. I was turned towards grumbling about the weight of my workload when I realised that I have been given many things. Things that were given to me to prosper me, and not to harm me, gifts to give me a hope and a future.

Everything that I have asked for has come to pass. Everything.
Now, I am praying for more - that I might overflow and bless others.

Today, I didn't go home.
Home came to me.

Thank you Darius, for remembering me.

I have great affection for you.

Everyone is insecure, and it is from this weakness that the capacity for grace comes forth. Its a daily struggling, in the face of nonchalance and and shallow oblivion, to reaffirm your identity. I am learning that I am quite happy with my weakness and insecurity - they make me real.

The problem arises when you are insecure about your insecurities.

Glappy was right.
How does a Nation content itself with such little depth?

I want to sing.

But I don't dare.

Welcome to the rest of your life.

It will not suffice to simply say that I am having a blast at Law school. As usual, I enjoy complicating things. It's been quite the ride and I expect that this has everything to do with the fact that I'm being completely washed over by a social arena that is both alien and intense.

In short, I don't know what to make of everything.

I've been enjoying the classes. I feel engaged, and for the first time, am not fighting with the otherwise standard curriculum to breathe some life into what I'm learning. Although, I do miss the days when finding some meaning in my cut and dry courses amounted to a cheap thrill (come on, the relationship between the church and the nuclear bomb, that's got to be a keeper).

But then there's everything else outside of class and, I can't say that I'm too thrill with what I... see. I just get this over-arching sense that not only am I here to be given legal training, but I am also here to become molded, suited and fitted - for this industry. Maybe it's my third-culturism or a fear of expectation (there is a certain degree to security in difference), but I simply cannot stand the idea of social conformity.

So here I am, in a sea of relatively homogenous people with generally homogenous life directions. And then there's me - who, in some wrapped moment of logic, decided that engaging myself in a locale-specific industry was the best way to get back to Southeast Asia.

The diversity quotient has dipped, and with that, I think I find myself alone, as far as Law school in concerned, in my life goals. I know who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be and most importantly, who is with me on this. And I just don't think that the Law school ethic gels with that. Its quite uncomfortable.

But then there's the legal buddy, who likened the legal corporate identity to just one more ornament on the Christmas tree of me. But really, what does this have to do with me? Who takes off her shoes during an interview and gets hired anyway?

Once again, I am Hannah.

With my days packed to the point of ridiculousness, I ache to live and when I finally do, I don't know what to do with all the intensity that is me.

I am loving this.

But I really want to go home.

WOOHOO!

So back in van. and it's a lot better then anticipated. Law school is fun. I moved out of the place that I had previously found. Found a better cheaper place. God is good God is good God is good.

I pray for good relationships.

To do well in law school
To be financially sufficient
To learn discipline
To cut down on my junk!

Ok!

I have never felt this way before. For the first time in over four years, I loathe the thought of leaving Singapore. I have gotten too comfortable, too soft here. But instead of looking forward to another three grueling years of lofty ambition and invigorating research, I wish I had a 9-5 job, a nondescript pay-cheque, and the weekends to spend with Belmont. There is so much comfort in this simplicity. Surrounded by family, all are family.

Life here is beautiful. So beautiful, I am almost wishing away my ambition.

You'd be bored by tomorrow lah if you stayed.
~ The Boyfriend, who knows me too well.

I know your promises Lord, but forgive me for asking: Please let this be worth it.

This is, by far, the funniest thing I've seen all year.



~ Fukung.net

What has God been saying to me lately?

One thing, over and over again: Don't worry. I will provide.

Everything to date has been nothing short of a blessing.

There is really nothing to fear.

I am blessed and loved.

But I realise that I need to learn to keep secrets.

And I don't like that.

Instead of going to the meeting, I ended up doing some banking errands for the boss. And on the way back (and it was a delicious day! Very hot and very bright in the older (and hence, deeper) section of singapore where the buildings are bright, the drains uncovered and the men squat on the floor if not driving their lorries) I discovered an interesting insect resting on the back of my hand. It was black, with six legs and a body which tapered off into a tail. It looked like a miniature scorpion.

Needless to say, as I am, I was excited. I kept him for a while and walked with my right arm outstretched to keep an eye on him. It was a beautiful day. I named him Maxwell, after the building I was headed for. A silent (one-sided) conversation was ensuing between us as I detoured to the Red Dot Design Museum and had a *perfect* moment as my eye caught a stream of sunlight beaming through the pillars of the heritage building.

Then the inevitable happened. I figured that this contrived relationship between Maxwell and I was cute at best, and if not, a waste of time, a ridiculous notion and a childish fantasy. What was I going to say to Boss when I show up with a bug on my hand? Hi! Meet Maxwell! Isn't he the best?

I blew him off the back of my hand. He struggled to keep footing for a while but when it's over, it's over.

Funny how things happen eh?

The disconnected generation - finding meaning the the lyrics of pop songs. NO CULTURE!
~Boss, in response to my passionate homily on U2 and the spiritual significance they have had on my life.

My stumped expression must have had come across as indignant and he immediately followed his tirade with the mercy of granting the 'pop' phenomenon the status of a culture in itself.

Not that I cared. I was too busy being flustered about the inherent rightness of his statement. Here I am, trying so hard to be Chinese, to be who I ought to be, the the people who speak most to me are a bunch of Irish men in bling.

And as I fret, the most important lesson that I have learnt here rises to mind: some things just are.

And there's no need to justify and explain yourself, just be.

Sometimes, MCQs are the way to go.

Because he's talking to you...

Dear all in BKK, you know I love you, so I won't expound on this subject anymore. If I do, it'll get dry. I was afraid to leave, because I am afraid to lose you and what we had. Oh well. One day.

In the north eastern sky
Down the sun in my mind
He's making his way into our world
It's a long way to go
Five days in a row
Oh but Hannah she knows what's good for him

And you'll see him
you'll feel him
Because he's talking to you

And Hannah we know, he's gone

Hannah We Know ~ Tiny Dancers

Happy Birthday Mumsy

I've always seen my mother as the perfect example of doing great things by pouring out your life for others, so that others can take off and change the world.

I'd like to learn that, right now, and move powerfully, albeit unseen.

Thank you Mumsy, I wouldn't be who I am today if not for you.

水

I was 15 when I decided that my element was water. Of course, I was embarrassed to have such significant information bestowed upon me by Amy Tan. I am unfortunately so Anglo that the best of my cultural heritage is bestowed upon me by an Asian-American. But that is a gripe for another day. I am Asian - Canadian anyway.

Anyway. my element is water. I've known that full well. Sitting with Thi by the Tadlo falls in Laos - or rather, I was floating in the stream and he was pawing the shore like a finicky cat - I found a smug sense of belonging in the fluid flesh of the falls. And what was it that I said? That I, as liquid (and protean) in my footsteps as I am, am apt to take the path of least resistance. What else do we expect of water? "Ah! But it doing so, I carve canyons out of stone!" I defended myself against the apparent notion that I am, in my watery ways, intrinsically weak. In great weakness there is great strength, and in strength - weakness.

Then I discover that water is as violent as she is soft. Her rage in all its tsunamic blindness calls all others to beg pointlessly for mercy. And she takes, and crushes, and destroys everything beneath her indiscriminate thumb, leaving behind numb bodies and uncomprehending minds.

And this is where I am. Perhaps. Being driven unwittingly by my blind surges of intensity, I find myself rolling on forward, through time and tasks, spaces and people. I keep moving keep pushing keep racing ahead running on breath so hard it hurts to breathe.

The crest of my wave breaks and after the crash subsides, I lie still and silent. Stunned by my journey - too hard and fast. I realise that I have been blinded by my perceived importance of being, such that I ceased to find my harmonious part in anything else. My world was flooded by my immense wave of unbridled severity that I have destroyed most everything else.

有山有水 － Balance! Balance!
I ought to know. Or at least, ought to learn.
In my insistence in being who I am, please don't let me destroy everything that otherwise validates me.

So here, in my strongest of strengths, lies my most fragile weakness.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO START LAW SCHOOL .
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I always fear leaving. I fear the bitter taste of farewells on my tongue. They don;t seem to go well with me nowadays. Which is a darn good thing - it means that I am happy. wherever I am.

When I love, I love with every ounce of my being. I tint my own glasses, and happily relegate myself to complete irrationality.

Well then, my life IS charmed.

I'm burning...

I yearn for the past.
Some are just special beyond comprehension.

...I'm learning that some things I can't go without, and one of them is him.

So this is what it feels like to be trapped between a rock and a hard place, or between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Only thing is, I love both.

Oh. I guess that was the point of it anyway.

heh.

I was listening to Collide, and was hit by a pang of nostalgia. But in all, I am simply confused. I cannot tell which is worth what.

And btw, I'm back from Japan. :) It was good.

JAPAN. Is awesome.

So i got off the plane, and spent two and a half hours getting to Seth's apartment. On the way I made one Japanese friend with whom I conversed with in Kanji and Guidebook japanese, and broken english.

She was cool.

AND HARAJUKU TODAY!

JAPAN TOMORROW!

Ladies and Gentleman. The perfect summation of my life:

STUDENT

MY FEAR

Ok everyone, I've got a plan. Here's this.

I'll save up money to buy an island somewhere in the pacific (I like the weather lah) and then move all the people that I love, there. Then we can start our own commune and be happy.

I just want to be with you all forever.
You're all such a part of me.

Food log:

12/06/07 - One day after my cleanse

Breakfast: Tortilla shells, sour cream and soup.
Lunch: Sushi (Agadashi Tofu, Miso Soup, BC roll and Sashimi)
Dinner: Sushi (Gyoza, Tuna and Avacado Roll, bits of Thi's dinner)

13/06/07

Breakfast: CINNAMON BUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel great. Cept for my jaw. which is aching from the sudden surge in exercise after a long 10-day hiatus.

Day 10 pt 2.

Boss: Ok, tonight, you must take it easy. Don't shock your system with food. ONLY fruit juices and water - NO Jenny, she can NOT have a cinnamon bun. You're trying to kill her! - ok? Only fruit juices and water and maybe a small bowl of vegetable broth -No pasta noodle! gosh Jenny! - And tomorrow for breakfast - NO Cinnamon bun! Not yet! - ONE fruit ok? just one. And then maybe for lunch... I think you can only have sashimi but no sushi. Rice is hard on the stomach.

Dustin (via sms): Congratulations Hannah! Remember not to eat much right away as it does weird things to your body. Ease back into it! :)

Me (in response to Dustin): Uh... I'm at Burgoo...

So one bottle of Happy Planet later, I find myself sitting at a table by the window in Burgoo, waiting for Thi. Thi's great. I'm sitting on my white knit sweater because it hurts to sit on hard surfaces. At work I sit on an air cushion, at home I sit on my bed. Now the wooden chair grates against my bum bones pressing too hard against my now non-fleshy ass. I'm actually 42 kg now.
Thi comes over (late, as usual) and buys me dinner. DINNER, which was meant to be a small bowl of clear, vegetable soup ended up being this hearty bean stuffed grain filled spice laden whopping bowl of chunky goodness with three slabs of butter soaked bread.

I was so sure my entrails were going to come spilling out of my belly button, protesting, writing in their once-clean-now-smeared agony.

Dustin calls. Evidently worried, surprised, and... amused? Hannah... my mouth was in so much pain after i ate.

Mine was too - from all that chewing.

Tummy was fine for the rest of the evening. And when I got home, I just HAD to have that frozen pasta that's been sitting in the freezer for the past two weeks.

It is SO GOOD to be eating!

And now i'm eating tortilla shells with sour cream and soup.

DAY 10!!

I'M DONE!

And none... well almost nonetheworse for wear. I think I've gotten way too boney for my own good and should break it anyway.

Pooping this morning was as usual, shocking. My skin is clearer, I think.
And I've lost around 6 pounds (2-3 kg). I can't afford to lose anymore.

So dinner with the boss is cancelled as my Coworker can't make it, and its taking me all that I have to not NOT break my fast.

I really need some protein.

Lord, I want to hunger after you.

Day 9

Exhausted and boney. I am so glad I'm having dinner tomorrow night.
I can't wait to CHEW.

Oh and my tongue isn't as coated anymore.

Day 8

Pooped more then usual today. My mouth tastes gross and sour. I think it's working.

On another note:
Must. Grow. Up.

Nah. that's a lie.

From the Office to the Beach to the Night Market

Life is exactly as it is.
I love everyone so much.

I'm losing a bit too much weight for comfort. I might get off the cleanse early.

Day 6 and 7

Yesterday (day 6) was nothing.
Today, I felt as if my muscles weren't strong enough to keep my bones in place, or that if I strained myself too hard, I'd have popped a joint. I feel fragile and weak (but not tired) and very breakable.
But then again, it could be due to the 6 bottles of beer I had in my backpack for the 6 km walk to JB's.

I am also getting quite bony, and finally admitted that ok, I have lost a little weight. I think I'm at 43.5 kg now (95 lbs), which was pretty much what I weighed back in Singapore in JC.

But yeah. I can't wait to go home and EAT!

(4.30 pm)

It all makes sense!! I have an aching womb!!

Day 5 pt 2

Initiated for health reasons, this cleanse is starting to take on a somewhat quasi-spiritual element to it. It's like a fast. Basically it IS a fast.

The past 5 days have been trying, difficult, empowering and humbling at the same time. It's amazing what you learn about yourself when you're in such a space of need, discomfort. And coupled with 6 km long, 2 hour odd walks each day (yes I AM too cheap to spend the $1.80 on a bus), I have had plenty of time to think, pray, meditate and talk to God. I bring my journal along (the one Baby G got me!) and I just started writing today.

With fasting, you learn a lot about yourself. Your vulnerabilities and true self almost. It's as if your conciousness is focused on ensuring that you DON'T eat that you forget to watch yourself, and this other person comes creeping up from behind your shoulder and you realise, Oh, it's actually me.

And now I understand what it means for the flesh to be weak. Actually, it's not weak. It's strong. Supremely strong. And boy does it ever have a mind of its own. I have to remind myself every 2 minutes that it is NOT a good idea to grab that pizza in the fridge. The body is deceitful. It seems to want to fool me out of my fast, to feign contentment in hopes that I would absent mindedly grab some cheese sticks. It knows when I am emotionally weakest, and pounces.

Speaking of the emotional, the past few days have been extremely trying on my spirit. I'm generally weepy and sad, contemplative and withdrawn. My long walks find myself looking for a quiet bench somewhere to read, write and lately, to cry. The slightest thing jolts tears to my eyes and stress triggers internal responses inproportionate to the cause. Works a tad bit dangerous now. I might be PMSing too.

And then comes the sense of helplessness, and this is where the humbling comes. I'm hungry but I can choose to eat. But I won't for reaons XYZ but why doesn't this make any sense?? It's strong entrapment and the forced understanding of the necessary present. Now is now and I am hungry now. But later (5 days later) I will eat and be happy. But I am here Now. And Now is now. Why isn't now then? I WANT TO EAT NOW.

5 more days. moan

But all that being said, this is a good process.

Third Culture Kid - Revisited

I know I've ranted about being a Thirdie between Singapore and Canada. You know, not belonging at home in Singapore where I grew up, and not being at home in Canada where my passport says I belong. Yada Yada Yada.

But who would've thought that I'd fall between the cracks that separate British Columbia from Alberta? I kid you not. I am a Canadian, that has NO province of residence. As of this moment, I don't belong to ANY of Canada's 10 provinces or 3 territories. Every adviser in the BC government that deals with student finances is dead sure that I am Albertan. And the Albertan office put me on hold for a good 20 minutes before telling me that I'm well... nowhere.

Thing is Calgary was the last place that I had lived in for 12 consecutive months without being a full-time student, but I've been away for too long and relocated at an age too young to properly retain my residency status. So I'm definitely NOT a resident of BC and I MIGHT be a resident of Alberta, depending on the committee's final decision on my appeal.

So what does this all mean? About a few thousand in student loans.

All student loans are administered by the provinces, so I will need to apply to BC, get rejected and send in an appeal form. Or apply to Alberta, get rejected and send BC my rejection and get accepted. Or apply to Alberta, do a ridiculous amount of paperwork and be put on hold listening to hideous techno music to get my Alberta Student number, and be ineligible for most of the awards anyway because I'm studying in BC and not in Alberta.

Argh.
I'm sick of not belonging anywhere.
It's so frustrating.

Day 5

Not as hungry, not as crappy. No laxative teas or salt water this morning. Will get off on day 9.5 for the sake of dinner with the Boss and co-worker. Funny Hunnies.

I do want mash potatoes though.

Ripley's believe it or not.

The boyfriend just offered me money to finance my trip to visit the ex-boyfriend in Japan.

13th @ Spruce

Had I not been so cold, I would've sat there for a lot longer.

Thinking back, I remember Deej to be a source of inspiration.

"Man DJ, I don't know what I'd do if my parents were to disappear."
"Oh, you'll be fine. You'll just get a job and pull out a student loan."

I've always admired him.

I have a spiltting headache.

I'm sorry for thinking that I knew you.

That was only 4 years ago.

It makes me hate having left.
It makes me hate leaving.

And I seriously wonder what comes over me.
When I rediscover how much I love you.

Day 4

Same.

(9.00 pm)

Food is definately my comfort thing. So when discouragement hits, I find it ridiculously hard to not devour the frozen pasta in my freezer.

God help me. I have a headache.

Day 3

(10.00 am)
GOOD MORNING!!! So how are we today? huh? HUH?!!

Last night was brutal. I was so hungry, and all I could think about were perogies. I was this close to going eating scoops of sour cream straight out of the tub. Mmmmmm....

So I'm at work right now and today, I feel funny. I am feeling, as what Shu said, as if I were floating. I'm totally out of it. Which is probably a bad thing to be when I'm at work.

(11.30 am)


Yes. Being out of it is VERY bad. I have made quite a couple of boo-boos (and if you know me, you know how INTENSELY bad I react to these things). But anyway, that aside, I will now speak about my third day on the cleanse.

Walking to work was a little dangerous, almost got run over my cars twice. Must remember to stay focused when on the road. My teeth no longer hurt as much and I'm sure that in due time, it'll be ok. Thank GOD for straws!

I did not do the salt water flush this morning since i had to be at work by 8. To substitute, I brought along my laxative teas and have been sipping between my potion and the tea. I tell you. These teas are AMAZING. I almost think they're better then the salt water.

[Disclaimer: Gross and graphic]
Ok, so I've been to the washroom four times since I've woken and each time I leave, I think to myself: WOW this really works! I won't go into details... ok maybe I will. So each time I've been amazing at how much solids there are in me when all I've been doing is drinking. And the solids come out in remarkably different forms. The second time I was on the can I almost yelled out "Oh my God!". I thought I saw worms, no... more like... strings.... and blobs. Actually it looked like a lava lamp, except not in psychedelic pink. And from our five human senses, I am only describing one - sight. I won't go into the rest (although I absolutely assure you that touch and taste are NOT part of the experience).
[/Disclaimer]

So here I am at work, a little wozzy and very homesick.

Also, I realise that its hard for me to blog upon my existential-metaphysical crap while I am blogging about its physical counterpart.
They just don't gel.

(2.00 pm)

I have had so many bathroom breaks, I'm sore.

The follow MSN dialog occurred I had discribed my poo to Erwin.

Erwin: Oh I know. I had that too.
Me: Why???
Erwin: But it was because I had some strange tropical disease.

...

(6.30 pm)

So I did walk home from work and all that I could think of were recipies:

Bacon wrapped perogies baked with carrots and brocolli, served with sauteed mushrooms and onions.

Day three is almost done.

On my 2 hour walk home, I was convicted to not waste time. I realise that I have been absoltely terrible wrt to being accountable with my time, and that has got to change. Starting from now.

:)

(10.00 pm)

It's getting better. My cravings have stopped and I'm not sick of the potion anymore. It's still quite tasty. Quite a contrast from this afternoon's walk:

Me: It's 4.30 now. So I'll be home by 6.
Tummy: Then we can have Dinner!
Me: No! No Dinner!
Tummy: Wha..? eh? WHAT??? NO DINNER???
[tantrum ensues]

In fact, the potion is quite tasty, I wouldn't be surprised if I started to crave this lemon-maple concoction.

Day 2

(11.50 am)

I woke up at 11.30, totally skipped church (which I was planning on walking to) and did the bathroom ditty. The laxative teas worked again! Despite a whole day of not eating any solids, solid stuff still slid through the very watery mass that was my poop. I was very impressed.

Anyway, the only thing I'm worried about is my teeth. (Of course, I'm currently at 93 pounds, eating nothing but lemonjuice, salt, maple syrup and cayanne pepper and I'm worried about my TEETH? Of course the possibility of fading into nothingness doesn't worry me at all. Teeth vs existance. How to decide? Ahhhh... Teeth it is!)

Anyway my teeth hurt! I think it's all that citrus acid that passes through my teeth. So brushing my teeth is scary. It hurts. I think I will need to get a bunch of straws to drink my lemonade through. However, I did some research and someone stated a lack of calcium deposits in the body which is required to neutralize the acid. Hence the body starts to take it from the teeth and bones! Crap! I might experience some hairloss. And while I've had very thick hair, not so much anymore. Crap!

Speaking of crap, my saltwater flushes are getting less unpleasent to do. Like I don't mind drinking the entire 32 oz. (approx 1 litre) of salty water. Yesterday it made me heave. Today, i drink it like chinese medicine. Half way though, my new roommate from Quebec went to use the wash room, NOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!! Please come out soon!! I am very fortunate. And I think I have strong control muscles anyway

But anyway, as I said before solid stuff were still making glorious exists from my digestive system. Now when I say solid, I don't mean chunks and rolls and blocks that we're used to (well.. I don't know what YOU'RE used to. But i know what I'm used to), I mean whispy fluffy brown stuff that swim amidst the very murky liquids. The progression is remarkable. From the brown watery-solid stuff, it becomes dark yellow with one or two tiny chunks of solid, to bright green-yellow, to bright yellow and absolutely clear. Like water. although I wouldn't compare it to such.

I think I am experiencing some of the detox symptoms - headaches, dizziness.. But most of all, I have a fuzzy tongue. My cute pink tongue is covered with some white coating. I read that its supposed to disappear once the detoxing is done with. I'm also really cold.

On the whole, I'm enjoying myself. And really sorry that Robby isn't doing this with me. :( I guess I kept postponing the thing to the point of meaninglessness. So sorry Robby! I promise together together next time ok?

(8.00 pm)

I've only had 5 cups of my potion. I'm supposed to be drinking 6 - 12 glasses of the stuff. No wonder i'm starving. Cravings include, cheese, pasta, pizza, perogies, a visit to that Russian restruant, TeoChew Mui....

Ok enough! I just need to drink more and I'll be fine.

Bleh. 2 down, 8 to go.

(8.40 pm)

Thus far, the boyfriend has been very supportive of my cleanse, sending me sweet emails of encouragement etc. But always with a note of caution, going somewhere along the lines of 'da-ling, have you seen the Penn and Teller video basing the master cleanse?' Our last conversation went along these lines.

Me: "I've cooked for you"
Him: "Where got??"
Me: "You don't remember?"
Him: "... Oh, your unwashed vegetable dish. Its ridiculous. You don't wash your vegetables, and you tell me you're worried about toxins."

meh.

Day 1

(11.00 am)
So it has begun! And there upon my master cleanse worksheet sits a proud and positive check in the box that states that I have had a cup of laxative tea the night before the cleanse started. :)

So this morning, I woke up after a good 8 hours of rest. Thanked God that it was the weekend, amongst other things and proceeded to allow the laxative tea to do what laxative tea does, and to brush my teeth. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But now my 32 oz. of sea salt and water is simply killing me. It's gross, slimey and so hard to get down. But I'm currently at 19 oz. left, and dying. I wonder if I am allowed to drink any less given that I, as a physial being, am a lot less then most. But anyway, whilst I get through the other 17 oz. of this sick stuff, I will squeeze lemon juice!

(12.30 pm)

Whoever coined bum-pee to describe the reaction toward the salt water was not kidding. But anyway I've squeezed 300 ml of lemon juice (that's 9 lemons in all) and one to one with the maple syrup, its just gorgeous. And I swear with the cayenne pepper, this cleanse was made for me. Sweet AND spicey! mmmm..

I love the lemonade stuff. Its great.

Still bum-peeing.

(2.00 pm)

Crap, I'm hungry. :(

(1.22 am)

Back from a full day out. I kinda wish i could eat. I guess not KINDA, more like REALLY. Thi's grandmother left behind enough Thai food to feed the western front, Curtis invited me over for dinner and JB has tons of snacks at his place.

No food. But the fellowship at each was awesome anyway. Like I said, this is the summer I've always wanted.

I'm hungry. I have a headache and am exhausted. The worst thing is that my hunger isn't normal hunger, it's not my-tummy-is-empty-and-I-will-die-if-I-don't-get-some-food hunger, but more of screw-the-fact-that-my-tummy-isn't-empty-I-just-want-that-creamy-spice-and-salt-laden-sauce-over-pasta-and-seafood hunger. Cravings. But I think I'm doing fine so far. We'll see what happens. :)

Oh yeah, must have laxative tea!

Day 0


Ok this is Day 0 for sure. Meaning that I start tomorrow. So I will wake up and drink salt water and squeeze lemons. But what has my digestive track been up to of late? Well here's the low down:

Wednesday: Singaporeans arrive, have AMAZING huge dinner in richmond.

Thursday: Had expired frozen pizza for breakfast. Had expired frozen pizza for lunch. Had instant noodles for second lunch. Had perogies, canned soup and pasta for dinner.

Friday (today!): Had huge-ass cinnamon bun (or huge ass-cinnamon bun) for breakfast, had tons of pasta for lunch and a huge chinese dinner (yay Singaporeans).

SO! today, what do I do? I get home, and make myself a huge cup of laxative tea (Senna leaf). I drink it.

Nothing happens.

TAGGED

According to the rules of the meme: People who are tagged should write a blog post of 6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I must match my underwear.

Which is a problem because I don't own matching underwear. I never buy bras and panties in a set because I am cheap and buy cheap things. So, I've created my own internal logic with regards to what constitutes a 'matching' set. It helps that I am a boring person and own underwear in sensible, no-nonsense, practical and to-the-point colours. My bras are either black, skin-tone or purple while my underwear comes in a little more variety: black, grey, purple, white, blue, and a yellow green stripped cutie that has 'smoochie' printed in pink across the back. There's also a turtle on that one. Don't ask me why.

Basically, my internal logic runs as follows: Black bras go with black underwear (screw the different patterns and textures), Skin-tone bras go with Skin - tone underwear (screw the difference in tones) and purple bras go with purple or grey underwear. Ok so it MOSTLY matches. BUT its the purple that tosses me off guard. Everytime I step into my very comfortable grey boyshorts I feel a little pang of guilt for copping out on 'matching' and settling for something that wouldn't even pass for a match on a black and white film. Needless to say, my whites, blues, yellow and the yellow-green-pink-smoochie-turtle underwear have been sorely neglected.

2. I burst out in random words when I am not paying attention to myself.

Somewhat akin to the turrets syndrome, I find myself suddenly bursting out in words like 'No!' or 'Go Away!'. Or in a state of incoherant excitement, I would wail out a triger word in the conversation. For example,

Boss: This tea is a symphony of flavours
Me: SYMPHONY!!!
Boss: Wha...?

I day dream alot and create entire internal dialogues and debates that are usually confrontational in nature. They revolve around theological arguments that I itch to have, or stories that I want to tell, or an issue that I seek to resolve. While these scenarios are staged in my mind, I will speak aloud random words.

3. I abhor lingustic mutations.

By dis i mean using eng badly n nt typing wrds out fully. u hv no idea how much dat annoys me. 1337 5p34k is NOT a language in my books.

Yes I am perfectly aware of the fact that I myself am incapable of spelling. But at least I try!

4. I fret about getting the best bargain in town.

This kiasu-ness extends into my time, my energy and my life. I will spend more effort then necessary in planning my route, sinking into mild panic when I realise that I can't know the exact distance of route A or of route B, and which will save me more energy or time. I fly into outrageous frustration when I realise that I made the wrong decision. My stomache tosses over and I seek desperately for the 'undo' button.

5. I am an emotional exhibitionist.

I must let everyone - not matter how remotely involved- know of my personal struggles and issues. Well not everything, but a lot of them. It's a form of public confession. Perhaps if I tell them about my internal issues and problems and splash them out on my blog for the whole goddamned world to read, I might be understood and accepted. And if i'm lucky, I might attain my original goal of receiving atonement by the public god.

6. In my bid to save money and food. I will eat almost anything. I am a human composter.

Mouldy rice.
Nuff said

Ok, anyway, I tag: Angie, DQ, Glappy, Ling, Shu and Glen.
DO IT.

This to to all the people who have been bugging me to join facebook.
(Just replace 'MySpace' wtih 'Facebook')






Hannah: I love geeks. [Sighs as she continues to browse xkcd.com]

Coworker: Do you? Why?

Hannah: [Swivels round on office chair] Well, they're so sweet. Shy, quiet, nervous and gentle.

Coworker: Yeah that's true...

Hannah: The perfect set-up for "the manipulative girlfriend".

Coworker: You crack me up.

I'm sorry....

~xkcd

NOT

Day -4

Okkaaaayyyy... So wonderful news. There will be a bevy of Singaporeans coming up to Vancouver tomorrow. And everyone knows what a monstrosity it is for one to meet up with a group of Singaporeans and not EAT.

So my status as of now is that I have three litres of maple syrup and 56 lemons that are slowly - but surely - ripening. And I won't start the fast for another 3 days or so.

I'm so sorry Robby. I know you probably hate me now. :(

Ladies and Gentlemen.

I have an annoucement to make.

I am about to start on a Cleanse/Detox programme called 'The Master Cleanse'.

It entails NOTHING but Lemon Juice, Maple Syrup, Cayenne Pepper, Laxative Teas and Sea Salts for 10 days.

My blog will hence forth contain the daily details of this cleanse starting from today.

Enjoy!

...or just be grossed out

Day 0

Ok this is the day before the cleanse, it basically entailed preparations for my 10 day journey into lemons and maple syrup. So I truged all along Cambie looking for the cheapest deals on the required ingrediants. Would you believe it, I found everything I needed at Capers for cheap! Here's the bill:

3 x 1 Litres of Maple syrup - Dark and Organic @ $15.99 each
4 x 14 lemons in a bag - Organic @ $2.99 each
1 Sea Salt Shaker - Uniodized @ $1.49
1 Laxative Tea (20 sachets) - Seanna Leaf @ $7.39
Cayanne pepper - 57 grams @ $2.39
Lemon Juicer ~ $2.

All in all, the bill came up to around $73. A little pricey but considering that I won't be consuming anything else, I can deal. And its cheap considering that the usual price of the maple syrup is $18.99 per bottle and lemons - at best - are found @ 3 for $1. I so got a deal! And its all organic too!

So I will start this evening after dinner with a laxative tea thing, have an early night to wake up at 6. Then I will douse my insides with salt water and be gross for the next two hours before goig to work.

As you can tell, I'm stoked! I'm so looking forward to the process and I really hope I'll last all 10 days or so (I kept the Capers receipt just in case).

SO! I've got the tea, salt cayanne and maple syrup on a shelf in my cupboard, and lemons all over my table.

I think I'm going to get me a pizza for dinner. MMmmmmmm.

(p.s. If I die, and ya'll need someone to blame, Robby's the man to hit. He got me into this and he's doing it with me. Let's go!)

I had the best party last night. The best two parties to be exact. And church was also awesome. So was lunch.

This is the summer I've always wanted.

By the way Tom, the fight continues!

Mel: Do you have facebook?

Hannah: No.

Mel: You know what I'm doing now Hannah? I'm going into my OWN facebook site, to download my OWN pictures, back onto my computer to send them to you.

Dear Baby G

You're wonderful, and I do wish I had taken more time to know you while we were still undergrads (wow, STILL undergrads. Not anymore!). I remember a specific moment in time when I observed you and thought to myself - Gee, I think I'd like to be her friend. And three years later here I am! Oweing you $20 for this amazing grad dinner that you put together for us. Thank you for your grad present. I took your email seriously, about not liking gifts, and I kinda wish i hadn't.

Anyway, when I get back. DINNER!!

I no longer have words that sound beautiful, or that are beautiful in their own right.

I simply exist.

RAFT

I have spent so much time looking forward to Singapore that I have neglected Vancouver. I have made a home here too and the duplicity is proving too much to bear. I sometimes wish I never left Singapore just so that I'd never have to experience the pain of transciency. But whatever, I'm here now and now I just want to say that I love you. So much. Thank you for the past four years, and for the many more to come. The birth of our collectivity was nothing short of divine. '

I don't know how to accept leaving. I don't know how to return to Vancouver to the emptiness that was all of you. I know that in time it will heal, but even that prospect strikes a fearful chord in me. I don't want to let you go because you have meant the world to me here. Your friendships have taught me love and truth and to fill these voids with others is to do the unthinkable.

But for now, there's Thailand.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND I AM SO EXCITED THAT I AM GOING TO SEE THEM ALL AROUND ASIA JAPAN THAILAND AND SHANGHAI ALL THAT'S MISSING IS A FLIGHT TO ENGLAND TO HANG OUT WITH GLAPPY!

Oh Glappy.

I realise, that when I lose someone, I get plagued by a lot of pain.
Three in two months.
Not fun.

And there's one that I especially want back.

Afterglow

Back from a four hour hike. Feeling healthy and pink. Enjoyed friends, ice cream, and stories. Saw a couple of creeks, a hawk, the sun, and the view off Indian Arm. This is what summer should be.

Now I'm in my room in fuzzy pajamas, preparing to make the long trek home to S'pore.
I can't wait to go home!!

RE: I'm weak.

I am a little tickled. But what can I say?

Bleh.

As my stomach lurches and heaves in anticipation, I realise that I am no different from her. You cannot have this happen, but I love you.

Thank you Thi, for sharing your thoughts you questions you interests and life with me. I feel like I already know your past, your present and your future. I think you have a lot of substance in the things you ponder upon and am glad that you think it appropriate to share them with me. I guess you can say that I think it's an honor. Although, I have to say that I think you're quite silly sometimes. And with regards to participating in the Amazing Race, I could only do it with you. Just because you're competitive and confident enough to swallow my hesitation.

-----------------------------

I remember earnest eyes and a troubled voice: "When will you learn Hannah? That the world is not as nice as you think it is? That there are people who would want to hurt? When will you grow up?" Oh I never thought much of it then, except it was sweet of him to worry for me so. And I guess it is true. To this day, I am naive and trusting, and quite stubbornly so. It's almost as if I refuse to believe that there are motives for actions out that that do not stem from the christian root of good intention. But simply put, I just can't find it within myself to believe that there is valid reason for people to act otherwise. I mean I know they do from brokenness and selfishness and blah blah blah, but in my spirit, I just can't see things that way.

So when it does happen, it's a rude slap in the face and that's when I come crawling to a coffeeshop with Glen to commiserate on how we have lost faith in humanity. Or go running to Mel and his loving laugh to stop his unloving fists willingly raised in my defense. And then Sarah and her stories of encouragement, Shu and her listening ear. Tom and his ridiculousness and humour. Who would've thought that a dramatic reading would make it all a lot better? Jeff and his insight, Thi and his friendship, to me - the Ryzobium, Robby and his conversations...

How do you get through life?
Roger and Mel, at different times with equal exasperation.

Oh just with people like you.

Everything is lost - uh oh!
But I know that you can take it to the Lord
Everything you want - uh oh!
Is it all that you can gather for yourself?
Do you love a lot - uh oh!
It's the love that changes gifts to everyone
Illinois is lost - uh oh!

Is it strange that you perpetuate yourself?
You wonder what it costs - uh oh!
It's the joy the joy that he will carry to the door
Everything is lost - uh oh!
Still I know that you can take it to the world
(all that he has given to the world)

~ The Perpetual Self or What would Saul Alinsky Do? by Sufjan Stevens.

Anyway, church was refreshing and quenching. Now I am going to sleep.

What hit me?

I'm not sure if I was too rash and needless lost another friend. Maybe communication wasn't clear enough, maybe messages weren't getting through, maybe they were being misread, maybe they weren't meant as I took them, maybe I just don't understand... At any rate I've done what I honestly think would be for the best in the long run. For now, there's the immense sense of loss and betrayal to come to terms with. It is unfortunate that seemingly good decisions can hurt immensely.

Me: "You won't drop me Hannah. And even if you did you'll come crawling back and I'll be waiting."

Him: Haha. He doesn't know you.

For a couple of moments I was a little stunned, and then I smiled, it's great to be known. Even by you, an odd piece of my history in Canada, now waiting for a weekend in Japan.

I love supportive friends, who affirm and challenge me, who walk by me and love.
Thank you.

WHATEVER

Yes it is pretty obvious that no one knows how the future will pan out and what God has up his sleeve is anyone's guess.

But till then, I will be living through conviction. Doing what I think ought to be done.

And note to self: As you have seen, wisdom is needed.

Gah, I missed an appointment for a patient and had to turn another one away. SO WEAK. I messed up. Like my bank.

Meerh.

No, you don't understand. I need a REASON. Telling me that it isn't workable does not do anything for me. I KNOW it isn't workable by protocol, that's why I wrote a PROPOSAL. By telling me it won't work due to reasons my proposal addresses does not constitute an ANSWER.

So I'm lying whimpering on the floor for a bit. I hate being defeated. I hate having my perfect little plans tossed aside, suffocated by the necessary fists of structure and guidlines. My pretty pretty blueprints smeared by the chunky clunky insitutional templates.

Oh well, I just needed a little rant. Now, I'll just roll out of my puddle of salt, brush down my clothes and smooth out my hair as I walk in the direction of the decision makers. I want this, or at least an answer.

And if all else fails. I simply don't want to be bitter.
Not in this winter weather, god no!

If the Singapore government ever spied on me, I hope it had been that Saturday evening with Shu at that Congee place on Main and Broadway. Expounding on my long forgotten issues of identity and race, I found within my heart a deep emotional stirring toward my ex-Nationality. How I miss and love you.

In other news, I am tired of being white. Thanks for the attempts, but all the tolerance and rhetoric offered doesn't do much for this Chinese soul trapped in a White mind that is trapped in a Chinese body.

I'm not an egg, I'm an onion.

It is simply hateful to look at oneself through the eyes of a foreigner.

I'm in the office over lunch and I really should be taking a nap, but well, as coffee would have it, my mind is spinning at speeds that would put formula one to shame. I jitter.

I've been doing a lot of thinking again, and I find myself gravitating toward the same issues: Identity politics, and Christianity. Now I know that these are topics that have been flogged over, and over and over again. But...

Singapore and I

It's been a journey. And while it's not over yet it doesn't hurt to pause and look back over the path you have come by. In taking the plunge away from my red passport and pink I.C., I have drifted (or swam, faltered whatever...) around the confusing pool of my identity politics. While sharing my (not-all-that-unusual) story with different people, I have noticed a similarity in responses: These usually dance along the range of:

'Why on earth then did you give up your citizenship?'
and
'So do you regret giving up your citizenship?'

And no matter how often I hear these responses, I can't help but react with a sense of incredulity. How did you come to the conclusion that this would actually matter to me? I mean of course it hurt having to surrender my passport, it hurt knowing that henceforth I was no longer 'local' but rather 'a foreigner'. It was a form of institutional violence wrecked on my identity to say the lease. But it still stands that

a) I gave up my citizenship as there was no option of keeping it. My Canadian birthright was a perimeter within which I exercised choice and options, not an option in itself.

b) I do not regret as my conception of what the Nation-state actually is does not give space for such an orientation of remorse.

I do not see citizenship (of anywhere) as an end in itself. It is not the cumulation of my identity and ought not to have bearing on my personal construction of selfhood. Unfortunately, the power of 'the state' has extended beyond fulfilling a person's individual needs into the realm of naming a person's individual identity. Now, we would die for a country's autonomy, our way-of-life, the right to be -insert whatever national identity here-. And, well... I don't quite buy into that. I mean it's all fine and good to be known as 'A Canadian' or 'Singaporean' or whatever, but at the end of the day, it is something that clashes with my value system (either that or it's a classic example of sour grapes).

It basically boils down to my personal faith as a Christian. I believe that the concept of being a 'citizen' has overridden many other constructions of identity (of course this is a point of contention and I'd really like to be challenged on this one). Economics, freedom and politics become bounded by national borders and it is within these borders, power is defined and eventually identity, is created. Hence as a Christian, I do not see my identity belonging to any country (I have no patience for people calling to make Canada a Christian nation) but rather to a greater community (the church so to speak) that transcends that tangible boundaries of borders, economics, culture and race.

That being said, it would follow then that my goal for self-actualization would have little to do with which country to belong to. My passport and my nationality is simply a matter of chance, a matter of convenience or otherwise. What I want to do and who I want to be would not be contingent on what my citizenship is, but rather my identity in Christ. God-willing, I'd go anywhere and be anything.

All in all, my journey wrestling with these questions has found me here at a point where it really doesn't matter. I am Canadian, but I love Singapore so much more. I have no permanent address in my passport country and am only allowed 30 days at a time in the land where my family and loved ones are.

The fact that I did not retain my Singapore passport over my Canadian doesn't mean that I love Singapore any less. It simply means that I'm ordering my life around different principles. Principles that, for the most part, remain indifferent to these questions of allegiance.

So anyway, I've thought about it a little and I think I want to study the Church in Cambodia.

It's 12.30 on a quiet Thursday afternoon and above all, I want to have compassion and grace.

Happy brithday Mel!

[Edit : 5 minutes later]

Mel as in M.E.L. not ME. Not Hannah. Mel.

But thank you for the enthu birthday greeting Dustin. I really appreciate it. You make me laugh!