Living Life.

I am alive.

So today I had a final which was almost a joke. I say almost becuase some questions were actually challenging. But this course was a complete cakewalk... and i could go on but I won't becuase there are more important things to ruminate about.

So after my final and go to Welsh's place to hand Seth $170 for the table and bed. I'm still trying to sell the damn thing. But I apprecite seeing Seth. I always do. I appreciate interacting with him in the arena of friendship. It's really interesting seeing how our dramatic romance turned out to facilitate a relaxed honest friendship.

"The whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing... that's history"
~ Seth, trying to justify.. something.

God does miracles. Even (and especially) with the seemingly impossible.

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I am alive.

I had coffee with Curt and Dustin after meeting Seth.

"I thought we were going to socialize"
~ Dustin, after an hour of Nav talk.

Indeed I think we get too driven with tangible agendas that we really forget to, just be with each other, appreciating each other's personhood without looking at their social/organizational contribution.

And then later Dustin and I talked a bit about understanding people. Yes, you can having deep and close friendships with people whom you don't understand. And I really appreciate that reality, because we'd never really truely understand everyone, or anyone.

And besides, Jesus never told us that we should understand, he called us to Love.

Let's work on that.

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I am alive.

I played tennis today with Dustin, Mel and J.B.

And this is simple love:
When J.B. decides to 'play' tennis with me while Dust and Mel go nuts on the speed balls. He coaches me slowly, observing my swing and stroke, directing my accuracy and just patiently working the game out with me. And then we join in with Mel and Dust doing a half court game, for my sake.

There we go. So simple.

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I am alive.

Deej called. He is another person I look up to alot. He showed me the beauty and grace of humanity. He showed me strength and instilled a lot of courage in me. Watching him live his life is empowering. And I appreciate the fact that he values me as a friend, close enough to call from Chilliwack while he's barging though the bushes.

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I am alive

Qn: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Ans: Homeless.

The joke for today, according to my 365 joke calendar.
Some humour hurts.

I'm glad I didn't buy the cap that had "I love the drummer" written across the front. It would've been a complete waste of money.

Though, I am glad that I even had chance to consider it.

Family is always awesome.

:)

Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store!

Grace. Amen.

To love another person is to see the face of God.

The difference

There's something about you, that's just different. You live life better.
~ Buddhist to Sue.

I see a need to spend more time with God. To pray, meditate and seek His word. I would hate to skirt along the edges of life, not willing to plug in because of a stupid whim to be self-centered. I'm starting to get the hang of hanging out. I'm starting to become known again. Slowly. Not in the way that I have been known for the past 7 years. As Elim said, I need to let God fill that one.

And I'm starting to know again. I think.

I think it's hilarious how you think you know me.
~ Dustin to myself.

Sigh. I wonder how much more hilarity exists in my life

A person drowning in self-absorbtion cannot quite see beyond her failing arms. How to see the truth? I appreciate the reality check every now and then, reminding me that things, especially people, aren't always what I see them as. Thankfully.

And that gives way to so much humilty and grace.

I will go to bed tonight with many strange feelings. Reading things that probably aren't too healthy for me to dwell on, I realise how beautiful and how distant people can be. I never realise how solitary I am (or can be) until I nudge myself away from the center of the universe.

Run along little man.

The fact that God is infinite allows him to absorb all hurt, sin and pain, making forgiveness via the cross possible. I, on the other hand, am nowhere near 5 ft 1", and am painfully lacking in the art of absorbing pain. In weakness then, I can only think of psychological disembowelment and mutilation. Then I realise that I what really lack is love.

Center me.

And I realise that what I really want, is to be known.
Like I was before.

As I was lying in bed last night, I was thinking about how grateful I am to have Lyndis and Josh in my life. Thank you.

You too, parents.

Go.

I have done much today and I am pleased. I enjoy really taking time to do things and making the most of everything that I do. I enjoy connecting with people and building the intangible. I think I'd make this a plan of action. To not senselessly waste time and to be pro-active in life.

Lunch with Lysandra was good. I enjoy her company and appreciate her taking the effort to ask me out for coffee/lunch. Sweet thing. There are great people out there. Once again the world surprises me with the fact that it is not all two-dimensional and predictably cold.

Made dinner with Sheena. The grocery part was a bit odd. I've never shared food this way before and I think I will have to let calculativeness go and grace flood in. This is learning in flesh. Dinner was awesome, so was conversation, cleaning, baking and laundry. Leon is a sweetie.

Stop.

Lingering in my past in an unhealthy obsession. I enjoy reading old blog entires to savour youth and childishness again. I find that things are very different from what I expected them to be. I think what hurts the most is reading about Dennis, and how much we had and how much I loved him and thought that we would be. I think I'm over it all, but really, to rip off the romance of DeBeers:

An Amputation is Forever

And for the rest of the world, please make sure that that rock you wear around your finger is conflict free. Both in South Africa and within yourself.

Wait.

-The person-
It is true that I connect with people quite well. I converse and talk and get comfortable with. But I wonder how much of that is really true. It's easy to play the social role. It is something that I picked up while doing theatre. A good actor delivers the part and makes it seem true. Believeable.

Stanislavski would make sure that it IS true. If you're about to do Hamlet, please make sure that you have sersiouly contemplated on whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them to die: to sleep; no more.

But I don't think I ever was a good method actor. I'm a snap. And the thing about snap, is that you rarely ever are the role you play.

But that's about enough for today. I'm going to get up and go.

Genuine

More then being real.
I won't be just a bunch of reactions, but human.

I'll be working very hard for the next period or so to develop myself humanly, to be in relationships, to trust to love and to invest in and be invested it. I will learn to overcome my fear of the big world out there and to outgrow my insecurity of the even bigger world within.

There are good people in the world

I think I view humanity and society as Elim does dogs, with fear and suspicion. I'm excited to see that slowly leave me, like a dying tide. Exposing rubble yes, but lots of interesting and beautiful things.

"it's more important to know yourself"

To make myself known.

Becuase that's what we all crave most.