Saturday, September 04, 2004

Bye all.

Won't be connected for the next few days or so.

I'm scared.

Friday, September 03, 2004

You are Beautiful

And I love you.
Yeah I found the perfect notebook and planner.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004


"it's been proven that everyone will encounter a certain percentage of people they will never get along with."

I remember the culture shock I went through when I entered VJC. For the first time, I had met people with the propensitiy to dislike another human being. One of these evil individuals, was me. I morphed -twisted would be a more appropriate term- into a worm. I hated the people around me, I hated humanity, I hated myself. I was queen mother bitch of the western skies with a very large capacitiy and inclination to inflict emotional pain on the people around me, at least on those whom I feared or despised.

And half-way through year two, God waltzed me around and I came back full cycle - in love with Humanity. Except this time, with a precise, informed, decisive love. So far removed from the pink and fluffy affection I had offered in the past. I learned more about people, I studied their habits as if they were monkeys in the wild and conjured up sweeping grand theories that could explain anything about the incomprehensible nature of man.

I am only twenty years old.

Suddenly I found myself face to face with people that I -perhaps- could never get along with. At least not on a working level. And I ended up working with them. Now if my discovery channel findings and grand theories had been correct, I ought never to ended up in such a state, socially speaking.

So I was very wrong.

Either that or the circumstances did not allow for me to practise what I believed to be 'the solution'. But then, I thank God that I was wrong. It just shows that humanity is a lot bigger than I am. And it that respect, so very beautiful.

So I can only just, let my failure go. And in a funny way, I am so very glad that things turned out in the worst possible way for me. It's some funny yin yang thing all over again, some weird tension of opposites... whatever. In the worst situation, I saw the most beautiful. Amazing.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Skipping a Beat

I positively hate the situation I'm in now. I'm neither here nor there, in Singapore or in Canada. Well i'm obviously here in Singapore but the shadowing knowledge of my return to Canada seems to be crippling me.

"What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
The time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don't burn the day away"

The absolute, the solid, the reliable.
Is always changing.
"Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life,
Is it not enough?"

The birth pangs of my second year in UBC. A lot harder then expected. And believe me Mr Matthews, I'm trying.

"But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone"

Pig ~ Dave Matthews Band

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Love is above Wisdom
Paulo Coelho ~ Veronika Decides to Die

So College Girls is over and it went as expected. I left without the wonderful feeling of a job well done because from my personal perspective, it wasn't. For the past eight days, it seems that I am only engaged in theatre only from 2 pm to 7 pm (that's when rehearsals start). After five glorious hours of fussing over the lights, sound, costumes, props and set, I'm left with almost no energy to handle what comes after 7 pm. Which, trust me, is a lot. But despite it being anything but what it was meant to be, I have to say that this has got to be one of the most valuable and defining theatre experiences I have ever had.

Comprises of two segments. Like yin and yang, these are polaric. Commonly defined as 'backstage' and 'on-stage' with the respective personnel being termed as 'crew' and 'cast'. But despite the difference in emphasis, there is absolutely no difference in importance. I digress. It seems to me that these two segments carry two different characters, 'Backstage' being one of resourcefulness, readiness, stability and reliability. One that ought to have a constant standard throughout the entire production process. The other, 'onstage' is characterised by it's momentous spark, unpredictable and insatiable energy that seems to have a life of its own, seperate from actor or director.

Amazing isn't it? Perhaps this is why that despite seeming to have a natural flair for performance, I seem to lean toward doing back-stage work. Admittedly, I have a fear of performing. I have not crafted my art to that crucial level where I am able to control that energy, to present a character, to breathe life and a living presence on stage. The backstage ditty, is concrete, straight forward. Not easy, but very controllable. It allows me power. So let me do lights, let me paint a set, let me gaffa the entire stage, and I will do it with all that I am. But I do, in my heart of hearts, want to perform powerfully and passionately. I want to be able to move the audience with me, to bring them through the different nauances in a character, to be able to engage their souls in another's life.

And (in conjuction with my previous post) I want both segments of theatre to be reflected in my life. I want, as an individual, to be both insatiably momentous and firmly reliable. To carry both aspects effectly to the people around me.

Are amazing. It seems that the pool of humanity is a lot deeper then I ever imagined. There are so many levels to them. The personal and the professional, to name two. That's pretty straight forward. No doubt they are very much interlinked: one's personality would determine his level of professionalism. But anyhow, as a person (and a christian) being able to make that distinction helps big-time in my attitude towards the people I work with. Even on the personal level, there are many layers to be dealt with. I believe strongly that respect has to be earned, but two days ago, I was convicted that I ought never to have absolutely no respect for a person. He is afterall, 'Fearfully and Wonderfully made' in the image of my God. I am, in that cosmic light, no better than anyone else. I have to then give him that much respect. He is afterall, a loved and beautiful person with worth. But everything else, based choice and understanding, has to be earned.

I have a lot to say.

Dennis Tan:

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving

You've showed me a lot.
You've opened a whole new world to me in both theatre and life. And it is a feat, how we get along. My culture, by nature is very unforgiving to yours. Socially and even linguistically, we don't have anything in comman. I think there is an unspoken agreement of some sorts that we will never marry Jay Chou with Dave Matthews. Only in theatre perhaps we share something. But your heart for the people and your flair and passion of theatre has broken previously existing boundaries in my life. I would be honored and delighted to work with Wayang Warehouse again, when I return.

For your selflessness my admiration

And for now, I think this relationship would be the hardest thing for me to let go on this return trip to Canada. I'll be back for sure, but I've learnt that good-byes are forever.

Natalie Merchant ~ Kind and Generous
"I think theatre IS the thing for you"
You to me

That meant a lot to me. Lately, with the books that I've been reading, I've been convicted to do what I like in life. On top of that, whatever I do, I ought to do it was a passion (I think Jeremy Janzen had something to do with this), if not, it's not worth doing now is it? Theatre is something that means a lot to me. Hence the fear. But after this production I am convinced that I am on the right path. Maybe not just to theatre but in life in general.

I struggled with not doing Theatre as a major in UBC. I ended up aiming toward that as a minor with IR as my Major. I didn't think studying theatre full time was... full enough. Perhaps its just the requirements at UBC.
"Theatre is not about studying, it's about experience. And
no doubt everyone has to start from somewhere, and what you lack in experience, you make up in discipline and humility."
So wise!

Theatre is life. You can't be good at life by just sitting in a classroom. Knowing is not enough, you have to make it living flesh. And besides, theatre is not an end in itself. It's a means. A means to whatever end it might be, self-glorification, expression, instruction etc etc etc. I'd like to serve people. I want to hon my skills and passions to do what I understand to be natural. From humanity back to humanity, Theatre belongs to the people.

Thanks Dennis, for showing me how.

And I just can't help but wonder, where would a Chinese third-culture Christian Canadian fit into the scheme of things here in heartlander Woodlands? If at all? Well God, that's totally up to you, eh?