Saturday, June 09, 2007

From the Office to the Beach to the Night Market

Life is exactly as it is.
I love everyone so much.

I'm losing a bit too much weight for comfort. I might get off the cleanse early.
Day 6 and 7

Yesterday (day 6) was nothing.
Today, I felt as if my muscles weren't strong enough to keep my bones in place, or that if I strained myself too hard, I'd have popped a joint. I feel fragile and weak (but not tired) and very breakable.
But then again, it could be due to the 6 bottles of beer I had in my backpack for the 6 km walk to JB's.

I am also getting quite bony, and finally admitted that ok, I have lost a little weight. I think I'm at 43.5 kg now (95 lbs), which was pretty much what I weighed back in Singapore in JC.

But yeah. I can't wait to go home and EAT!

(4.30 pm)

It all makes sense!! I have an aching womb!!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Day 5 pt 2

Initiated for health reasons, this cleanse is starting to take on a somewhat quasi-spiritual element to it. It's like a fast. Basically it IS a fast.

The past 5 days have been trying, difficult, empowering and humbling at the same time. It's amazing what you learn about yourself when you're in such a space of need, discomfort. And coupled with 6 km long, 2 hour odd walks each day (yes I AM too cheap to spend the $1.80 on a bus), I have had plenty of time to think, pray, meditate and talk to God. I bring my journal along (the one Baby G got me!) and I just started writing today.

With fasting, you learn a lot about yourself. Your vulnerabilities and true self almost. It's as if your conciousness is focused on ensuring that you DON'T eat that you forget to watch yourself, and this other person comes creeping up from behind your shoulder and you realise, Oh, it's actually me.

And now I understand what it means for the flesh to be weak. Actually, it's not weak. It's strong. Supremely strong. And boy does it ever have a mind of its own. I have to remind myself every 2 minutes that it is NOT a good idea to grab that pizza in the fridge. The body is deceitful. It seems to want to fool me out of my fast, to feign contentment in hopes that I would absent mindedly grab some cheese sticks. It knows when I am emotionally weakest, and pounces.

Speaking of the emotional, the past few days have been extremely trying on my spirit. I'm generally weepy and sad, contemplative and withdrawn. My long walks find myself looking for a quiet bench somewhere to read, write and lately, to cry. The slightest thing jolts tears to my eyes and stress triggers internal responses inproportionate to the cause. Works a tad bit dangerous now. I might be PMSing too.

And then comes the sense of helplessness, and this is where the humbling comes. I'm hungry but I can choose to eat. But I won't for reaons XYZ but why doesn't this make any sense?? It's strong entrapment and the forced understanding of the necessary present. Now is now and I am hungry now. But later (5 days later) I will eat and be happy. But I am here Now. And Now is now. Why isn't now then? I WANT TO EAT NOW.

5 more days. moan

But all that being said, this is a good process.
Third Culture Kid - Revisited

I know I've ranted about being a Thirdie between Singapore and Canada. You know, not belonging at home in Singapore where I grew up, and not being at home in Canada where my passport says I belong. Yada Yada Yada.

But who would've thought that I'd fall between the cracks that separate British Columbia from Alberta? I kid you not. I am a Canadian, that has NO province of residence. As of this moment, I don't belong to ANY of Canada's 10 provinces or 3 territories. Every adviser in the BC government that deals with student finances is dead sure that I am Albertan. And the Albertan office put me on hold for a good 20 minutes before telling me that I'm well... nowhere.

Thing is Calgary was the last place that I had lived in for 12 consecutive months without being a full-time student, but I've been away for too long and relocated at an age too young to properly retain my residency status. So I'm definitely NOT a resident of BC and I MIGHT be a resident of Alberta, depending on the committee's final decision on my appeal.

So what does this all mean? About a few thousand in student loans.

All student loans are administered by the provinces, so I will need to apply to BC, get rejected and send in an appeal form. Or apply to Alberta, get rejected and send BC my rejection and get accepted. Or apply to Alberta, do a ridiculous amount of paperwork and be put on hold listening to hideous techno music to get my Alberta Student number, and be ineligible for most of the awards anyway because I'm studying in BC and not in Alberta.

I'm sick of not belonging anywhere.
It's so frustrating.

Day 5

Not as hungry, not as crappy. No laxative teas or salt water this morning. Will get off on day 9.5 for the sake of dinner with the Boss and co-worker. Funny Hunnies.

I do want mash potatoes though.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Ripley's believe it or not.

The boyfriend just offered me money to finance my trip to visit the ex-boyfriend in Japan.
13th @ Spruce

Had I not been so cold, I would've sat there for a lot longer.

Thinking back, I remember Deej to be a source of inspiration.

"Man DJ, I don't know what I'd do if my parents were to disappear."
"Oh, you'll be fine. You'll just get a job and pull out a student loan."

I've always admired him.

I have a spiltting headache.
I'm sorry for thinking that I knew you.
That was only 4 years ago.
It makes me hate having left.
It makes me hate leaving.

And I seriously wonder what comes over me.
When I rediscover how much I love you.

Day 4


(9.00 pm)

Food is definately my comfort thing. So when discouragement hits, I find it ridiculously hard to not devour the frozen pasta in my freezer.

God help me. I have a headache.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Day 3

(10.00 am)
GOOD MORNING!!! So how are we today? huh? HUH?!!

Last night was brutal. I was so hungry, and all I could think about were perogies. I was this close to going eating scoops of sour cream straight out of the tub. Mmmmmm....

So I'm at work right now and today, I feel funny. I am feeling, as what Shu said, as if I were floating. I'm totally out of it. Which is probably a bad thing to be when I'm at work.

(11.30 am)

Yes. Being out of it is VERY bad. I have made quite a couple of boo-boos (and if you know me, you know how INTENSELY bad I react to these things). But anyway, that aside, I will now speak about my third day on the cleanse.

Walking to work was a little dangerous, almost got run over my cars twice. Must remember to stay focused when on the road. My teeth no longer hurt as much and I'm sure that in due time, it'll be ok. Thank GOD for straws!

I did not do the salt water flush this morning since i had to be at work by 8. To substitute, I brought along my laxative teas and have been sipping between my potion and the tea. I tell you. These teas are AMAZING. I almost think they're better then the salt water.

[Disclaimer: Gross and graphic]
, so I've been to the washroom four times since I've woken and each time I leave, I think to myself: WOW this really works! I won't go into details... ok maybe I will. So each time I've been amazing at how much solids there are in me when all I've been doing is drinking. And the solids come out in remarkably different forms. The second time I was on the can I almost yelled out "Oh my God!". I thought I saw worms, no... more like... strings.... and blobs. Actually it looked like a lava lamp, except not in psychedelic pink. And from our five human senses, I am only describing one - sight. I won't go into the rest (although I absolutely assure you that touch and taste are NOT part of the experience).

So here I am at work, a little wozzy and very homesick.

Also, I realise that its hard for me to blog upon my existential-metaphysical crap while I am blogging about its physical counterpart.
They just don't gel.

(2.00 pm)

I have had so many bathroom breaks, I'm sore.

The follow MSN dialog occurred I had discribed my poo to Erwin.

Erwin: Oh I know. I had that too.
Me: Why???
Erwin: But it was because I had some strange tropical disease.


(6.30 pm)

So I did walk home from work and all that I could think of were recipies:

Bacon wrapped perogies baked with carrots and brocolli, served with sauteed mushrooms and onions.

Day three is almost done.

On my 2 hour walk home, I was convicted to not waste time. I realise that I have been absoltely terrible wrt to being accountable with my time, and that has got to change. Starting from now.


(10.00 pm)

It's getting better. My cravings have stopped and I'm not sick of the potion anymore. It's still quite tasty. Quite a contrast from this afternoon's walk:

Me: It's 4.30 now. So I'll be home by 6.
Tummy: Then we can have Dinner!
Me: No! No Dinner!
Tummy: Wha..? eh? WHAT??? NO DINNER???
[tantrum ensues]

In fact, the potion is quite tasty, I wouldn't be surprised if I started to crave this lemon-maple concoction.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Day 2

(11.50 am)

I woke up at 11.30, totally skipped church (which I was planning on walking to) and did the bathroom ditty. The laxative teas worked again! Despite a whole day of not eating any solids, solid stuff still slid through the very watery mass that was my poop. I was very impressed.

Anyway, the only thing I'm worried about is my teeth. (Of course, I'm currently at 93 pounds, eating nothing but lemonjuice, salt, maple syrup and cayanne pepper and I'm worried about my TEETH? Of course the possibility of fading into nothingness doesn't worry me at all. Teeth vs existance. How to decide? Ahhhh... Teeth it is!)

Anyway my teeth hurt! I think it's all that citrus acid that passes through my teeth. So brushing my teeth is scary. It hurts. I think I will need to get a bunch of straws to drink my lemonade through. However, I did some research and someone stated a lack of calcium deposits in the body which is required to neutralize the acid. Hence the body starts to take it from the teeth and bones! Crap! I might experience some hairloss. And while I've had very thick hair, not so much anymore. Crap!

Speaking of crap, my saltwater flushes are getting less unpleasent to do. Like I don't mind drinking the entire 32 oz. (approx 1 litre) of salty water. Yesterday it made me heave. Today, i drink it like chinese medicine. Half way though, my new roommate from Quebec went to use the wash room, NOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!! Please come out soon!! I am very fortunate. And I think I have strong control muscles anyway

But anyway, as I said before solid stuff were still making glorious exists from my digestive system. Now when I say solid, I don't mean chunks and rolls and blocks that we're used to (well.. I don't know what YOU'RE used to. But i know what I'm used to), I mean whispy fluffy brown stuff that swim amidst the very murky liquids. The progression is remarkable. From the brown watery-solid stuff, it becomes dark yellow with one or two tiny chunks of solid, to bright green-yellow, to bright yellow and absolutely clear. Like water. although I wouldn't compare it to such.

I think I am experiencing some of the detox symptoms - headaches, dizziness.. But most of all, I have a fuzzy tongue. My cute pink tongue is covered with some white coating. I read that its supposed to disappear once the detoxing is done with. I'm also really cold.

On the whole, I'm enjoying myself. And really sorry that Robby isn't doing this with me. :( I guess I kept postponing the thing to the point of meaninglessness. So sorry Robby! I promise together together next time ok?

(8.00 pm)

I've only had 5 cups of my potion. I'm supposed to be drinking 6 - 12 glasses of the stuff. No wonder i'm starving. Cravings include, cheese, pasta, pizza, perogies, a visit to that Russian restruant, TeoChew Mui....

Ok enough! I just need to drink more and I'll be fine.

Bleh. 2 down, 8 to go.

(8.40 pm)

Thus far, the boyfriend has been very supportive of my cleanse, sending me sweet emails of encouragement etc. But always with a note of caution, going somewhere along the lines of 'da-ling, have you seen the Penn and Teller video basing the master cleanse?' Our last conversation went along these lines.

Me: "I've cooked for you"
Him: "Where got??"
Me: "You don't remember?"
Him: "... Oh, your unwashed vegetable dish. Its ridiculous. You don't wash your vegetables, and you tell me you're worried about toxins."


Sunday, June 03, 2007

Day 1

(11.00 am)
So it has begun! And there upon my master cleanse worksheet sits a proud and positive check in the box that states that I have had a cup of laxative tea the night before the cleanse started. :)

So this morning, I woke up after a good 8 hours of rest. Thanked God that it was the weekend, amongst other things and proceeded to allow the laxative tea to do what laxative tea does, and to brush my teeth. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But now my 32 oz. of sea salt and water is simply killing me. It's gross, slimey and so hard to get down. But I'm currently at 19 oz. left, and dying. I wonder if I am allowed to drink any less given that I, as a physial being, am a lot less then most. But anyway, whilst I get through the other 17 oz. of this sick stuff, I will squeeze lemon juice!

(12.30 pm)

Whoever coined bum-pee to describe the reaction toward the salt water was not kidding. But anyway I've squeezed 300 ml of lemon juice (that's 9 lemons in all) and one to one with the maple syrup, its just gorgeous. And I swear with the cayenne pepper, this cleanse was made for me. Sweet AND spicey! mmmm..

I love the lemonade stuff. Its great.

Still bum-peeing.

(2.00 pm)

Crap, I'm hungry. :(

(1.22 am)

Back from a full day out. I kinda wish i could eat. I guess not KINDA, more like REALLY. Thi's grandmother left behind enough Thai food to feed the western front, Curtis invited me over for dinner and JB has tons of snacks at his place.

No food. But the fellowship at each was awesome anyway. Like I said, this is the summer I've always wanted.

I'm hungry. I have a headache and am exhausted. The worst thing is that my hunger isn't normal hunger, it's not my-tummy-is-empty-and-I-will-die-if-I-don't-get-some-food hunger, but more of screw-the-fact-that-my-tummy-isn't-empty-I-just-want-that-creamy-spice-and-salt-laden-sauce-over-pasta-and-seafood hunger. Cravings. But I think I'm doing fine so far. We'll see what happens. :)

Oh yeah, must have laxative tea!