Tuesday, December 24, 2002

The last 10 minutes into seoul was the hardest bit of the journey.


It just brought out so much of me I hated. The bitchiness, the willful desire to hurt, deliberatly hack down, and the intense pleasure in doing so.

But even more so it brought me face to face with reality - that I am what i despise. (haven't i always been?)

That my disdain for weakness and need springs from fear. Fear of being weak and needy. I realise that my independency has been built upon the wrong foundation. I have placed my trust in social acceptance, in friendships, in dennis... but never in God.

"stop trusting in man, who has but breath in his nostrils, of what accout is he?"

And it simply shifts, from person to person, society to society, if I do not find it here, i will find it elsewhere... and so goes the story of my identity and self-assurance.

In these 2 weeks, removed from the pillar of my life, i will have time to reflect, seek god and pray. It was a strange journey. after living with the youths for 2 weeks, being on the plane without them was life going out without clothes. Like i expected to see shawn dangling somewhere with clara gossiping... but no. oh darn. So emotional strings cut, i'll just wait for me to come back. I canoot promise the same person, the same hannah. I'm sorry.

So no overnighter for me on chirstmas or newyear but oh well... i'll just hang in tight for me birthday...

Anyway here's to you Beautiful:

10 things to be grateful for this christmas

1. Family (in canada)
2. Snow!!
3. Ryan (he made me)
4. Yeshua
5. A 7 month break.
6. the end of all activities
7. Freedom.
8. Time to look, and think and listen.
9. A home to come home to (A place to belooongggg... that's what i long for)
10. Church.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

Hello singapore!

I'm back!

Thailand was amazing. Not just the culture the people and the beauty of it all but what God did. Through us and for us.

To the Yeshuans

I love you all. You have been an amazing force since you landed in singapore on the 8th. I'd like to thank you for your fellowship, for letting us in and for allowing God to work through you. I'm so gonna miss you guys. I don't know how to express that.

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness, I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you, I want to thank you
Oh, I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, thank you; thank you, thank you
~Natalie Merchant

We've been so blessed by you.

And to Andrea

Thank you so much for your appreciation. I sometimes wonder if you realise how much your opinions matter to me. I hold your perception in high regard to my life. And I'm not sure why I do so...

So life goes on...

And I can only pray for the better. I'm used to fear - fear of myself as dennis puts it. I guess that's so, considering that you are the only one who can hurt yourself by simply choosing, by the concious or subconcious decisions we make. I can only blame myself for the mistakes that I make and for the pain that I go through.

Not to say that I'm alone. I thank God for blessing me with a wealth of relationships. ( ironical considering how i fear them ) But seriously, Thank you you lot, for being there for me, even if you didn't realise it, you were a blessing to me.

So that's the way it goes I guess, that for us as people, we are alone in causing our pain, but never alone in bearing it.

I just hope that I will not allow fear to keep me back from a fulfilling life and lifestyle. I suddenly feel free. To live again..

So i'm gonna hit the towns! Can't wait to just dangle around and chill! Come hither january!

Sunday, December 15, 2002

It's amazing what camp has done.

The youth are open, spiritually emotionally and physically. (like i asked shawn if I stank and he bent over to sniff me without a second thought)
We are so much closer.
Wow.. thank you God.

And to all you. Thank you. Life has been so good to me. Ever since i sorted things out and gotten back to God. Camp was revealing in so many ways. I remember. I am but human, more then that by grace.

you are a book called

dr. seuss book warped you?

Sunday, December 08, 2002

It's been a long time.

I did 50 positive things for you guys. will keep them coming.. bleh.

Monday, December 02, 2002

This is in relataliation of BL's retort: Can YOU come up with 50 fuckin positive things about yourself?

50 positive things about myself... in no particular order

1. I am a child of God
2. I'm willing to learn
3. I am loved, no matter how undeserving of love I can be
4. I have my health
5. I have good skin (almost)
6. I am cosmetically accpetable. (despite my scoliosis)
7. I am confident of my identity
8. I have intellect...
9. ...coupled with an excitement to use it...
10. ... and opportunities to use it in my life
11. I think beyond the textbooks i pay for, and the faces i see.
12. I'm in TSD
13. I've rebuilt my life
14. I've had a rich life, all 18 years of it.
15. I know what to do with the knowledge in my life
16. I try.
17. I have music in my life
18. I have talents
19. I have the means to aquire the skills to match my talents
20. I have a bestest friend I can run to, all these 5 years
21. I am socially adequate.
22. I have a wonderful family.
23. I've learnt from my past mistakes, and from others.
24. I've learnt to trust, without an emotional attactment.
25. I've learnt to be attached, without trusting.
26. I am looked up to.
27. I am optimistic
28. I am realistic
29. I still have my faith
30. I realise that there is positivity in every negative situation.
31. I've come to accept who i am, and have realised my worth
32. I understand that I am NOT perfect
33. I understand that NO ONE is perfect
34. I understand that I am vulnerable.
35. I understand that being vulnerable is important sometimes
36. I'm a fast learner.
37. I'm unique.
38. I appreciate art.
39. I appreciate that I am a work of art.
40. I try not to take myself to seriously... or life for that matter
41. I do not live in despair.
42. I have an education.
43. I live in luxuary (relatively)
44. I use make up, though i don't need to.
45. People try to chat me up.
46. I don't need to try to be accepted. I am
47. I can present myself with dignity and grace
48. I try not to desciminate.
49. I try to love.
50. I know that such power comes not from within. But is still avaible to me.

There. Your turn babe, if not i'll do it for you.

~tori amos

Sunday, December 01, 2002

I'm free. Of course it never feels as good as you imagine but I am nonetheless... ecstatic.

I'm still struggling with guilt. A guilt that gnaws every once in a while. A guilt that's not supposed to be. But it is. It's not a personal guilt, but more of a fear of social opinion, like shame, as if I'm obliged to cut even with every familar, curious face I meet on the streets. Not that they'd be interested. But I'd just hate to think of what's going on behind that "hey hannah! See you ard!" Not that it should matter to me. But it does.

Maybe I should just have more faith in humanity again. That if I do not judge, the chances are, others won't either.

It's not an outcome of a deliberate, concious action. But a need. A weak helpless cry from within, that renders us all bitches, sluts, bastards and jerks.

It's all car crashes.

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People running
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
What does matter really?

Tell me what to believe
Won't you bring me order
Tell me what to achieve
Baby, so I can move forward
Tell me what to be
Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin', run

Credit cards in place of distress
Go live your life on the Internet
That's what this is
Conspiracies and mysteries
Science-fiction make-believe
My kind's misery

Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin'
All these car crashes in my head
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
All these car crashes
What does matter really?
All these car crashes

Thursday, November 28, 2002

this was the. poem i did for the PC exam
.... Utterly depressing, it's by some 17th century Earl called Wilmot i think.

After Death, nothing is nothing Death,
The utmost Limit of a gasp of Breath;
Let the Ambitious Zealot lay aside
His hopes of heav'n, (whose faith is but his Pride)
Let Slavish Souls lay by their fear;
Nor be concern'd which way, nor where,
After this Life they shall be hurl'd;
Dead, we become the Lumber of the World,
And to that Mass of matter shall be swept,
Where things destroy'd, with things unborn are kept.
Devouring Time swallows us whole;
Impartial Death confounds Body, and Soul.
For Hell, and the Foul Fiend that Rules
God's everlasting fiery Jails
(Devis'd by Rogues, dreaded by Fools)
With his grim grisly Dog, that keeps the Door,
Are senseless Stories, idle Tales,
Dreams, Whimsies, and no more.

Yes well, it was a good paper I thought, I enjoyed it, was squirming in my seat for excitment. I'm just glad I'm doing subjects I actually enjoy. No more Chem or Chinese for me!!

24 hours left to freedom... dear God, please grant me patience...

I will be their possession

I am to be the only inheritance the priests have. You are to give them no possession in Isreal; I will be their possession ~ Ezekiel 44:28

This came up during my QT yesterday. Wow, it guess having a flock of stubborn wilful bickering sheep does pay off eh? But to possess God? Wow, what else could one ask for?

Of course materialistic me says that an uninhibited shopping spree and flawless skin sounds good too. *sigh* When will I get my priorities right?

It's a material world
Oh I am an apostate!

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Again from Ling's Blog.... she's fast becoming my muse. Poor lit student of a me doesn't really catch this, but it's so poignent.

anyone lived in a pretty how town

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then) they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirtit and if by yes.

women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Are you not afraid?

Not me. I am not afraid. I love a good gamble. Killing is my game, so is winning. Believe me baby, there are better ways to get my way, sometimes i just shouldn't. But it's not the end result, it's the process. I love a good game. There is no shrinking in fear from you for me. I know you, I can handle you as you can handle me. Testing the waters? I'm plunging in. If i regret, let me do so alone.

Like you say, there's someone waiting to break it, to push you to your limits on some damned liquour-ridden night. To destroy you, me, all. I will try, the temptation of the challenge to too great for me to handle. I have faith though, that I will know my limits, somehow and I will help you enforce yours... somehow. Temper temper.

Restraint is my biggest problem, and it will be yours.

It's been a long time


I haven't touched the paino or guitar in eons... and when I do, I'd rather stop. *ugh*
So much for the above.


Tuesday, November 26, 2002

One of my favourites, It hits a spot.

Sex without Love
By Sharon Olds.

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth, whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their overall cardio-
vascular health - just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

I rememeber writing a very curt reply to Pastor Eng, when he wrote, inquiring about my absense in church. I used this poem in retort, that this is what the church CAN be about, and how disappointed I was. Well, I'd say that was uncalled for. I think i should write again to apologise, despite it being more then a year. It must be so hard to be in ministry, to be accountable for lives you almost have no power to save. It is utterly lonely isn't it? Just you and God, maybe a few close spiritual mentors and friends... And your sheep, a whole chruchfull of strong-willed, bickering rams... man...

See which Greek Goddess you are.

so often in our own folly, being coped up in our own lil worlds and preoccupations that we forget to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, to look beyond oneself, and you've pointed out to me what my myopia has obscured me from : Grace
and hannah, the grace of God shines on u too baby......... don't forget that........
we're all made beautiful cuz we're in His image.........
~ DQ

Tell me why i love all you guys again?

Battle of the Greeks
I'm so dead... I feel as if I've been to the front and back... Ack.. 6 more hours of exams and 3 days to go... God give me patience.

I saw the most innane thing in School. The plasma screen actually has a count down to SDD... In HOURS.. it was 198 the last i saw... Gosh we're a sad little lot aren't we?

I'm still pretty upset abt everything. half of me wants to run aways and willfully erase everything. The other half, called REASON. thinks otherwise... Dammit.

To you. Wonderfully wonderful

I can't believe it, you're a dream coming true
I can't believe how i have fallen for you.

Monday, November 25, 2002

I got this off Ling's blog. I don't know where it's from or who wrote it, but it's beautiful and I want to say it.

don't be confused by my apparent lack of ceremony, my mind is clear.
I may be low or miles high off in the distance, I want you near.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.
And if they take me flying on the magic carpet, see me wave.
If our communication fails I'll reconnect it, I want to rave.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.
No matter where the road is leading us remember don't be afraid.
We have a continent that sometimes comes between us, that's ok.
I love you
Even when I'm sleeping.
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.


From a cheesy forwarded e-mail:

Subject: 50 most romantic things to do with your Girlfiend/Boyfriend
Yes they had to get the grammer wrong, for a truely cheesy singaporean touch

38. Go to church/pray/worship together.

"it shows that the 2 of you are really comfortable with each other spiritaully" ~Dennis.


Sunday, November 24, 2002

Bit by bit

headrush, so we'll take this slow

My my, Erwin and Cherry have got to be the sweetest. You guys are like, made for each other. Probably the best relationship you'll have girl, he's a good, considerate, sensible boy... you don't know how much that matters... to me.

Got this off my brother. Witnessed at a race: A parent protesting on behalf of this son "THAT BITCH CALLED MY SON A BASTARD." I don't understand how undignifed people can get... If I were his son, I would disown him, rather be a bastard.

I had a beautiful beautiful day. Got my prom dress finally. Went shopping. Got shot, got scared, got taken away... safe. It's amazing how I'm at equlibrium, perfectly at ease and in balance. But unfortuately... I'm not a full employment.

I was thinking last night: I've cried for sadness, fear, stress, joy, relief... but never for peace and a sense of confirmation. And i did.

Dennis and I were talking about man and God. We kinda charted (with the limited understanding and knowlegde we have) a little pattern in the way relationships work. I realised sometime back that every relationship we have on earth is a reflection of what our relationship with God SHOULD be. Eg, Father, Friend, Brother, King, Lord, Saviour lover ... etc etc etc. Of course we have a tendency to fall short, i mean we are fallen after all, and besides, what we have is simply a diminished representation of the real thing. Like an image in the mirror: It's 2 dimensional and is a poor substitute for the person he's reflecting.

So is there a reason for such a pattern? Is it diadectic in nature? We figured that these relationships are used to direct us to a greater knowledge of an otherwise rather intangible God. If man were isolated and removed from any knowledge of a relationship, how would he know who God is unless He walked with him literally? Of course there are abusive fathers and broken marriages, "so knowing God is not solely dependent on human relationships" Yes. but we're fallen anyway, this may just be ONE of the ways God reveals himself to us. Back to the Mirror concept. Your reflection is not you, but it helps you in knowing yourself better. (physically)

So happy happy... till He spoke. "what's the use of all this knowledge if you do not know ME?"


Some blogs irk me. Ok not the blog, the individual. Then again "everyone irritates you" says my mother... yes, well, maybe, but this one is a direct reminder of my past, my could-have-been-present, and my thank-god-it's-not future. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's longing. Maybe it's bother, a fear of longing.

I was an internet bitch today. To some guy who introduced himself as "Charming and Witty"


Me: charming and witty eh? Ok Granted...
NN: :-l
Me: I'm under the impression that charm and wit are best expressed through verbal interaction. I wasn't aware the emoticons were catagorised as either. \
NN: well can one express both charm n wit through cyber interactions???
Me: Yes, if they actually succeed.

Me: I'm hannah
HH: Lovely name
Me: Right, somehow being subtle is a preogative to charm and wit
NN: Y?
Me: It's pretty hard to be charmed and to be intoxicated by wit when one has a heightened awareness of it's permeating presence.

I'm lucky he was gracious. But whatever.. Grouchy.

You're just too good to be true,
Can't keep my eyes off of you,
You feel like heaven to touch,
I wanna hold you so much...

Friday, November 22, 2002

Ironically innane. Why?

It's as if I have nothing more to my life then this, what's on this blog.
It's as if I think nothing more of this, or that of anything.
It's as if I do nothing more but rot away in my own disease, of blind selfishness.
It's as if I see nothing more but what's immediatly in front of me... myopia is my muse
It's as if I feel nothing more then what's on my skin.
It's as if I am nothing more...
It's as if I am nothing.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Hello everyone! I've got a new pet aside from my rabbit and my brother...

Adopt your own useless blob!

Yes he's called Daryl!!

My personal useless blob!

So Daryl would like to say hi to all you wonderful people out there and introduce himself.
Unfortunatly Daryl only speaks in blobbish so I'd have to translate everything for you.

My name is Daryl.
I am 22 years old this year.
I now have a sony clie for sale... please
I am single.

Ok that's enough for now (so i say as i conveniently squish Daryl back into his cubby hole)

BTW folks, Daryl is currently in search for a little blobette preferbly of Thai or veitmanese origins, she must also have compatible features, ideally:

Adopt your own useless blob!

Any takers?

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

So you set me head spinning. Everyone does when they confront me with this, however subtle. I just don't ever want to miss the signs again. The last time I did...
So we sat and thought about it, coming to no possible conclusion. Why? We're not seers, with oracles.
So what do we do? With so much worthlessly at stake?
Nothing, let live.

This one's for you sugar

Come on baby get your shoes on
You're looking like you need a rescue
Underneath the southern moonlight
Where only I can find you
We can do it with our eyes closed
We can sit and talk for hours
Underneath the golden flowers
Where my sunshine grows

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn
Sugar may hide
Sugar may learn

I could give a thousand reasons
I could live a thousand lives
I know I would always meet you
Underneath a summer sky
So come on tell me love is glory
Come on tell me love is real
Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

I waited so long for a love so true
So I'm giving it all right back to you
I'm giving you my best of silver
I'm giving you my best of gold

Sugar may hide
Sugar may burn

So come on baby get those shoes on
And we can run away from here
Talk about a life we're starting
We can start it all right here

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

Straight off from clo's blog

When I finally get kissed, I'll know..
I've never felt that thing..
That thing...that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person..
And you realise that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life..
And for one moment, you get this amazing gift and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry..
Because you feel so lucky that you've found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time..

And I know. perfection

juicy kisser

You Are A Juicy Kisser!

Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.

You are the perfect kisser - with the right combo of lips and tongue.

It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!

How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Hahah, How apt.


What's *Your* Sex Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Right... cancer ouch.


I get all insecure again. over the most retarded things.
Ugh, i really have to snap out of it.
I'm me
I'm me
I'm me
And that's more then enough.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002


Well finally we see life in your blog.

I guess it takes time, I guess somethings aren't that easy to handle or heal. Though I'm through my crying and happily at equlibrium again, sometimes I get shot into immense pain. When i see, think, hear or feel. It takes time. I have confidence that Erwin will be there for you during this trying period. It's not easy for either but I guess we'll all have to go our own way. *holding tight*

My parents

Are people whom I respect
Are people whom I wouldn't want to let down
Are people whom I love
Are people who know what's good for me
Are people who want the best for me.
Are people ... I should Listen to?
At all cost?

So what then, if they suggest that i leave off what I am so willingly entangled in?
Do they, as parents have the understanding enough to do so?

As i was telling a beautiful friend.
Does their opinion matter?
To what extent, when do I decide
When you know that's what God wants.


I hate being so whishy and sensitive and above all... scared.


Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and Grace

Take my hand take my whole life too
Cos I can't help falling in love with you

When you give yourself away...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

In His grace...
Chicken rice and a prom dress

Had a lovely day. Pretty thoughts on my mind and a wonderful lunch with a lovely girl. Looks like we're all taking things slow eh? Just a little Greek and Theatre and we're done for! Am i ever so excited!!

Anyway beautiful, thanks for lunch and the conversation, yes I so agree with you on the idea that sometimes there isn't much intellectual stuff going on up there for some people, them we call shallow, but then again, maybe it's just different. We cannot understand why they don't think as we do as they cannot understand why we do. ANd yes, the ever present fault of judging another by one's standard... So what does that mean? That all the faults we prescribe upon others is but a mere reflection of ourselves? Or a fear perhaps? hmmm..

Ok that's enough for my brain.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Love songs in Age
By Philip Larkin

She kept her songs, they took so little space,
The covers pleased her:
One bleached from lying in a sunny place,
One marked in circles by a vase of water,
One mended, when a tidy fit had seized her,
And coloured, by her daughter -
So they had waited, till in widowhood
She found them, looking for something else, and stood

Relearning how each frank submissive chord
Had ushered in
Word after sprawling hyphenated word,
And the unfailing sense of being young
Spread out like a spring-woken tree, wherein
That hidden freshness, sung,
That certainty of time laid up in store
As when she played them first. But even more,

The glare of that much-mentioned brilliance, love
Broke out to show
Its bright incipience sailing above,
Still promising to solve, and satisfy,
And set unchangeably in order. So
To pile them back, to cry,
Was hard, without lamely admitting how
It had not done so then, and could not now.

I seriously think i need to chill

For the past 5 years

Edwardian style

...There is only one man in my life who has ever... made me happy. Do you know that? One!...

...who is out there somewhere in the dark... who is good to me, and whom i revile; who understand me, and whom i push off; who can make me laugh and I choke it back in my throat; who can hold me, at night, so that it's warm, and whom i will bite so there's blood; who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as i can change the rules; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and yes I do wish to be happy... sad, sad, sad.


...whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes; this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it... sad sad sad


...who tolerates, which is intorerable; who is kind, which is cruel; who understands, which is beyond comprehension...

... sad, sad, sad.

Some day... hah! some night... some stupid liquor-ridden night... I will go too far... and I'll either break the man's back... or push him off for good... which is what i deserve

5 years, and you're back for more.

I'm having a horrid day.
Maybe it was last night, or my dream...
Maybe it's the sheer stupidity of it all, like a vicious cycle.

I'd blame PMS, but my period is over
I'd blame the weather, but I love the rain
I'd blame the stress, but the bulk's over
I'd blame my mirror, but it's already been kinder
I'd blame my loneliness, but I'm far from that
I'd blame the alcohol, but it's been 2 days
I'd blame you, but that's impossible
I'd blame me...

Seems that most of us are plauged by it. I'm getting hit particularly badly these few days. It happens as a reaction to something too wonderful to comprehend, that I fear I'd lose it all due to my shortcomings or a flaw that i unwittingly possess. And it manifests in the most perculiar ways.

Yes dennis, I'm saying that it probably isn't the root of my insecurity but just an outlet. You know who i'm talking about. But then again, there is no other yardstick to measure by. And we we're left with our little friend off from the Zoo, who btw happened to be wonderful too during visiting hours i'm sure. Don't deny it.

It's a horried recognition that everything is momentary. I read a comic strip, a conversation between 2 guys ~

A: Guess what? Jenny and I are back together again!
B: oh, too bad for you.
A: why would you say that?
B: because she's a lying, low-down, selfish, disgusting shrew
A: Gosh, why would you say such bad things about Jenny?
B: well that's what you told me when you guys broke up.

So you can say that you don't live in the past, or even the future, but even the the past and future define our present so you have no way of escaping them. That in some way, some incident yesterday makes you more cautious today and some consideration in the future makes you more thoughtful perhaps.

It's like realising i don't belong, and I somehow can't as my presence would only serve to shadow the beauty that's bestowed upon me. It's paralyzing, coming face to face with something like that, and being wrecked with fear that I simply do not match up, not at all. That one day, my inadequacies would crack through, and all that you'd find, is a broken verson of that dream, a tear-stained, skinny, muted girl with nothing much to offer anyway. Why didn't I see this before? I've asked that question before, in reaction to my decisions. I don't expect anyone to be excluded, in any situation. We're all vunerable to this.

Love isn't love, when fear's as strong as he

And then we go on to a more objective angle. We see that insecurity leads to bitching which evantually becomes a habit. I enter JC last year and came face to face with people who, in many aspects, were so much better then me. I started losing ground in every area of my life and started becoming... a bitch. So i noticed the trend and reversed it. But these efforts only go as far as superficial. And it's the superfical i have no problem with.

I have no problem with the world, as long as it remains impersonal. My security lies in that fact that I am unknown, isn't that so in all of us. That we know that we start with a clean slate and with proper handling, attain what we would call a desirable reputation. So I can breeze in, get what i want and breeze out. Let me stay a moment or two and I... tremble tremble tremble

The whole irony of the situation is that when it doesn't matter, nothing happens. I remain Hannah no. 1 or 3, confident, cool, direct and even powerful. But when it does matter as much as you matter, Hannah no. 8 seeps in, paradoxically more powerful in her weakness, that she is rendered helpless, for fear. Fear that she is simply not good enough.

I know that much of this is breed out of a positive aspect in my life. Of everything positive one has, there is always a negative setback to it. so i think.

For beauty, vanity
For intellect, pride
For a desire to improve, jealousy.

For transparency, insecurity.

So much so that i fear that this obsession may be the harmatia in your life, that you cannot handle my emotional weakness coupled with overbearing emotional strength. Even I have problems dealing with myself, I have 8 different aspects of me living inside, all similar in strength and priority, all polarically different. So every once in a while i engage in a silent battle which leaves me exhausted.

So how do I expect someone else to handle that in me?

My driving force in life is to have it all, to over-achieve, to be all.

...You can't change the world you know...
Not the world, I want to change myself...
But Hannah you are the world. Your world.

How tragic, how mundane, how pointless.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Friday, and today

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
There's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
To a new exciting life

I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
There's something in your eyes is this love at first sight
Like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
All the secrets of life

It's all written down in your lifelines
It's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
There's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
In my innocent life

It's all written down in your lifelines
It's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

Time stands still
When days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you guy I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die

You and I just have a dream
To find our love a place
Where we can hide away
You and I were just made
To love each other now
Forever and a day

It's SUNDAY! Wonderful weekend I had.

So friday was like a big break from the exams and I decided to do what my lit teachers suggested

Go get yourself drunk.

So i packed my bag and didn't return till saturday night.

I had my usual coffee at starbucks
Went to buy booze
Saw this cute NS guy whom i swear i knew when i was 12 (i think he remembers me to cos he was checking me out, either that or i was looking at him funny)
Went to CG (yes with the booze. I went to my pastor's house with a plastic bag of beer and vodka, not that it was much anyway)
Went to andrea's had chicken and totally knocked.

Protest: I get the bed the next round! Daryl is the eldest, Daryl is male, Daryl is in NS, so why the hell does he get to sleep in soft comfort graced with pink bed sheets? With 3 girls on the floor? My hips hurt... I have hips big enough to deliver the nation of china and not enough flesh to go around so sleeping on the floor garuntees sore hips and sholders.

But i had a great time nonetheless. Too bad we knocked out too early.

But it was... amazing.

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lover's hands

Look please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hand your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger

A million reasons life to deny
Let's toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lover's side
Together share this smile
Each other's tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Oh please
Look please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep
Lover lay down
Cause it's over
Lover lay down
Say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover
Could I love you
Could you love me

Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles

In circles circles circles...

Saturday, November 16, 2002

What fairy tale cliche are you?

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Friday, November 15, 2002

Which Piercing are you?

So passes the first week of my A levels. It's retarded really, I have a total of 30 exam hours, 15 of which zips by in ONE week, the other 15 are spread out over 2 weeks. This is what you get for taking TSD eh?

I think Jireh has it bad, her TSD paper and History S paper clashes so she has to take both papers, one after the other in a tiny lonely room. eek. Really, how many essays would that add up to? All her subjects are essay loaded. Uh, thank god for math?

Amazing how God has seen me through, though i know I haven't studied as hard as most people, prefering to spend my time on the Comp, the phone, in church, in pubs... Hmmmm... So after one week of grueling papers, it's time to hit the sack.

As Mr Harris puts it "Now you girls go get drunk tonight."
I love my lit teachers. ha.

So, I shall soon pack to spend the night at Andrea's. Ahhhh, there's nothing like food, good company and vodka. (BTW andrea, remember you only get to choose one of the following - sex, fags, alcohol)

That reminds me.

Ugh, I'm so sorry for what I tagged on your board. I didn't realise it would seem that way to you. Yes I did sense your intention of breaking into silence, I kinda meant "I think it worked and the malice gone under" not cowardice. Uh, nope. You've been beautifully strong for the past few months, not many would've survived in the face of such adversity, I just hope I didn't make it any harder for you. Thank you for being strong and ministering to me, though I don't think I'm the one that really needs to be ministered to in this respect. Gosh, what would i do without all you guys?

Hmmm, It seems that after 5 years of being closed-in, I can't really seem to connect with people properly, they've kinda... stretched. I have spent too much time judging people by my own standards, something i probably couldn't have helped considering I was the only one i was really in honest contact with for the past 5 years.... So we start again learning to have more faith more faith and more faith in humanity. That no Hannah, not everyone is as horrible as you are. RE-ENTRY... holds tight, holds on, goes.

Thank you all, for the patience, love and understanding.

From ling, Had to add this on

yep hannah, i miss farting around in lofty's swivel chair frantically trying to churn a script out..i miss feeling dirty and scruffy while bent over bits of cardboard, our self-declared best friends and guarding gels and gaffa tape from any greedy hands...i miss it so i'd willingly paint the black cardboard for consonants all over again..but i guess these things are pieces of our memories that we are meant to treasure thus the short span of these things....why did it seem like eternity to us when coming up with just the end of the script? i'd love to be tearing my hair over the ending of weddings again...im afraid i'll forget these things, but i hope i wont.

*sniff* me too ling... Yeah clo, you were the best, you might as well have been in our group! In All our groups!

Thursday, November 14, 2002


*sniff* I miss TSD. Just read ling's blog: V-V-V....GRUNDY!!!

I was sitting in the workshop, fiddling on Megan's guitar surrounded by juniors. Juniors playing cards, juniors stoning, juniors sharing, being oh-so-close and hippie-like. That is how it's supposed to be. At ease, in love, in life.

Things haven't really changed. The funiture is falling apart, there are dangerous sharp corners everywhere, things aren't kept properly, tattered props, bits of things once recognisable not just faded bits of memories, old props which under creative fingers morphed into new props, there are crummy messages on the the white board, "now that your exams are over, please do a clean-up to make this place LIVEABLE and keep it that way" a smirk found it's way from my lips to my heart, it's never going to stay clean dammit, oh and i still haven't found my pouch... ugh, forget it, it's eaten up by the mess anyway.

Ahhh, and there were little archeological finds, proving Grundy's existance. The gaudy red and gold "Shuang Si" our golden claypot, that we never used... *sniff*

I miss all the late nights, microwave dinners of left-overs, boasters, The AVA, The Sound Room, The Studio, the goddamn temperature! Nothing beats AVA, Sitting around in nothing but short shorts and thin tees, surrounded by metal, 5 degrees above freezing, then running out to defrost...

I miss the call of the AVA, one place i fell in love with. I have always been afraid of the dark, and the darkness in AVA is suffocating. But after a while, once she has accepted you, the darkness becomes a cradle. I knew i found a home last year, doing shawn's piece. Standing in the right wing, blinded by the light (if i remember, it's sub-master 11 or 12) with a candle in front of me. Whilst waiting for my turn to deliever my lines, i felt my fear falling behind me, as if someone were unshrounding me, removing my cloak from behind. From that point on, I have never been afraid of the AVA... (ok maybe i have, but that's only because I'm worried that some previous group might have left their props beind, had it been something along the lines of bloodied wombs i don't think i would have survived)

I miss having Tandoori at 9 pm, I miss threatening Andy with good ol' gaffa tape (and how we worshipped gaffa!) Discussing chilli crab dinners in this presence. I even miss getting pissed at each other, for mucking around, for being too demanding, for being too slow, for calling the shots, but we knew that we loved each other.

I miss Ling's laughter, especially when she gets high, I miss Jiayin's horrified expression everytime we suggested doing something out of her comfort zone. (like the suggestion that she does my role as Sa-man-tha! Boob tube and all) All our cravings, bubble tea, chocolate, tandoori...

I miss the studio, the soft jaundiced light, how everyone looked like glass in the mirror. I miss how she played mother to us, her walls, acted as a refuge, where we could discover ourselves, devluge our deepest fantasies bring out the deadliest facets of our characters, and yet leave, knowing more then we ever could have had we gone another way, yet not being crushed by the weight of that knowledge. The air in the Studio is rich with experience, she has seen all, blood, abuse, love, hatred, fear, sex, all in one room - she is the bearer of human experience, and all our secrets are safe with her, group after group, will shed their tears and blood and they will change.

I miss the school by night, the empty bus stops, the sleepy energy that courses through the compound, the shadows and lights seem to flirt with us the night breeze through the plants on the other side of the fence.... while we painted and sang, folded bits of wire and talked, cut things up, sewed, cried, fought.

I miss escaping school and classes and assembly and running to hide in the studio, there was an understanding with the school, never come to the studio, that was our Pope's palace of the college, sacred and exclusive, to us.

I won't miss the college, the classes, the people. I'm happy to leave them all behind. But TSD, it will take time to come to terms with my loss, to understand that I have got to move on and yet never let to go, it would be impossible not to cry. For letting us be who we are without fear of criticism, for letting us develop and grow without hardening our hearts. For all that she has done for us. And for all of you.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Pretty!  I'm a rose!
Which Flower Are You?Find out!

Fuckit, I'm Sara!
Which Angelina Jolie are you? Find out!

Stellar!  I'm Vanessa!
Which Daughters of the Moon Character are You?Find out!

How Horny Are You? Find out!
Got this from Dennis' Blog. I dare you DQ. and Angie, how bout you and me at UBC?


50 things to do on a final

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat th is process every fifteen

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attache d notes for
references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the
phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

rock me

Monday, November 11, 2002

What a day. What a day.

Thank you Ziiq, for talking TKSS logic. Totally.

3 hours of math, 3 hours of econs, a dead brain, a burised heart.

dang it.

And I still don't understand why I feel so uncomfortable in school, it's almost like I hate the environment, or it hates me. I can walk into a pub, anywhere with full understanding, knowledge, and assurance of who I am, my capabilities, my worth. But not school, it's as if it questions my basic being, as if I've never been good enough, pretty enough, bleh. What really baffles me is that I actually bother. I mean check out people (DQ and Angie will vouch for me right babes?) I can't respect 1/2 of them, they just don't seem to be... there, anywhere... so why do i bother?

This whole thing is straining me, I wonder how I'm being judged, and why i bother. They say it's because I haven't tried, that I was wrong, wrong time, wrong way, That i did this. At least that's how i feel, some can't look me in the eye. It's a hellish place. I just thank God for those who can and do. Love you girls.

Sunday, November 10, 2002


A week. One more week and I'd be a happy girl,
3 Weeks. Three more weeks and I'd really be a happy girl.

Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers, for the rest, I'm praying too.

Song of the day

... it's for you too... for today.

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself
~ I guess that's why they call it the blues by Elton John

Of course we gotta do a bit of a gender switch eh?

...Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers...

Saturday, November 09, 2002

Friday at Coffee bean ~ Black Coffee

Night Swimming
Beach walking
Always silent
Never talking
Then you call my name
And I know inside I love you

Sail away
I miss you more
Until you see the shore
There I will be waiting

Each moment is new
And breeds a moment
Each moment is cool
And breeds a moment

I wouldn't wanna be
Anywhere else but... here
I wouldn't wanna change
Anything at all

I wouldn't wanna take
Everything out on... you
Though I know I do
Everytime I fall

Day dreaming
Chain smoking
Always laughin
Always jokin
I remain the same
Did I tell you that I love you

Brush your teeth
And pour a cup of black coffee out
I love to watch you do that every day
The little things that you do

Each moment is new
And breeds a moment
Each moment is cool
And breeds a moment

I wouldn't wanna be
Anywhere else but... here
I wouldnt wanna change
Anything at all

I wouldn't wanna take
Everything out on... you
Though I know I do
Everytime I fall

Each moment is cool
And breeds a moment

Nice women
Beach walking
Always silent
Never talking
Then you call my name
And I know inside I love you

Sail away
I miss you more
Until you see the shore
There I will be waiting

...Why is there oil floating on top?
...Oh, it's because of the beans madam, see when we grind the coffee beans...
...But I'm drinking hot cocoa...

Thursday, November 07, 2002

3 hours and a babe

We visted Sue again today. She looks great, I'm starting to see that wonderful girl she once was before it took over. She is so beautiful, it hurts me i guess to see her in such a state. We laughed, talked, shared and high-fived a lot. Finding common ground all over again. I cannot wait for her to be back.

Miki was gone, to social welfare... I can only pray that she is ok...

So is our fallen nature that we chase our children out of our bosoms. That we fall prey to pincers, that ironically seem to be attached to ourselves. mmumpph.

Song of the Day: Lagrene Bireli & Jaco Pastorius - The Chicken.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Find Your Inner Cartoon Babe

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What sexy girl are you

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How slutty are you? I mean really.

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How strange are you?

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Mythical Creatures

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You are a unicorn. You've had a lot of heartbreak, but you don't let it get in your way. Don't hold your anger in too much, But at the same time, don't take it out on your friends and family, either. Unicorns are known for their beautiful but untame nature.

Heart break?

Psychology Test - Are you Sane?

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Somehow You have arived on the top of the scale, You seem smart when it comes to school, work, and love, You typicly have a good outlook on life, and most people under this catagory are still close to their parrents. We all should learn from you.

As you can tell, I'm bored out of my shirt.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Something, last year. I dug it up, a little historic find... embarrassing but honest. That's what we're all made of... little sparks of embarrassment and honesty. I contemplated censoring the idiotic bits, the ones that made me want to slap myself... But we can't claim to be honest, and leave out the awkward bits. Maybe, if you read this, think hard enough, you'd know, then again, not many would be bother so it's ok.

So you've moved. Congrats on your new room. Hardly an apt greeting but never mind. So how have you been? It's been a while.

What have you been up to so far? I haven't an inkling of an idea of your standing in your life now. *blink blink* I'm extremely frustrated. I've been a dazzle-head lately. Forgetting things, been perpatually tired (I think that's the worst), lagging in school work etc.

Ok, the seedlings of another depressing letter. Hey, I like letters written or received, depressing or not. I know you'd opt for the latter but oh well, this is such a depressing colour.

I miss you a lot, I miss Dennis a lot, Luke, David, daniel, Ian, Adele etc. I really wish I could go back. I'm trying I am. But I can't. I've left and lost my place. There's really no way back I feel. Spoke to Dennis that day, poured it all out. Whimpy huh? Okay I'll cut that.

Anyway who I'm highly intersted in now is you (oh gee, maybe that's why I wrote! You think?)

I go to church and look at the people there. There only one I don't recognise is you. *frown* you know what i'm talking about. Quit frowning. Been a long time, been too far away. Don't think that's not anticipated, maybe even welcomed to you. Well enjoy the fruits of your lack-of-labour. I wish I could.

You know what. I stumbled across an interesting verse. "be careaful not to forgot the Lord your God" I think this says a lot yah? Anyway doing QT? I'm not. Dong is. What a strange flip-over.

You know how sampson lied to delilah abt. his hair? Some p.ple use that to justify white lies... Still whose to say that what sampson did was right? False assumption... Alas! How then do we lie? I think we're all liars... We're a pretty sad lot. Sometimes, I wish I had more guts, more brain, to walk away. Then again, don't we all?

You know what I like about my letters to you? (I only write this way to you) they're like dreams little disjuncted garbage bags that do away with what's crowding my mind. Consequence or not. Sorry it had to be you... Don't have to reply. You can't anyway.

Song of the night: I'll be ok. Amanda Marshall.

Monday, November 04, 2002


Hannah is in a bad mood. Hannah is not one for studying. She desperately wants to go outside to play. She wants over-nighters, booze, pubs, music, shopping and all other antithesis' to studying.


Hannah has been foul for the past few months, due to lots of happenings. This has been a trying time for her and she is not making any effort to NOT sound like a brat. She is at her wits end with so many tangents on her mind.


Hannah is unsure of her prep for the Big A's. Hannah feels over-prepared and under-prepared at the same time. She isn't sure if she can be bothered either. She's depressed Self-indulgent and whiney. She needs a slap. She irritates me.

May this be her song in 3 weeks.

Sunday Morning After

(Cell phone ringing)
Amanda: "Uh-hello?"
Guy: "Where are you?"
Amanda: "What time is it?"
Guy" "Ummm...it's...1:30...in the afternoon"
Amanda: "Uh"
Guy: "Are you alright?"
Amanda: "Hang on"

I woke up with a killer hangover
Hope it was worth all this pain
(I'd do it all over again)
By the time the party was over
Tequila was my claim to fame
(I couldn't remember my name)

I was dancing with Jake
When I last saw my keys
That was my first mistake
'Cause what happened to me?

I look down at my arm, baby
And something's lookin' back at me
And I cannot believe it

Oh my god!
I woke up with a snake tattoo
Oh my god!
And I think that my tongue's pierced too
Oh my god! Oh my god!
It's the Sunday morning after, and baby who the hell are you?

I remember yelling, "Hey DJ!"
"Jack the volume, I love this song!"
(And then it all gets hazy)
And my clothes are selling on e-bay (click me)
And I don't know what I'm gonna put on
(Where were my friends to save me?)

I blacked out I came to
And it's all such a blur
Had a blast, I assume
But I'm really not sure

Exactly where I am now, baby
Wake up and tell me your name (excuse me)
'Cause this is insane!

Oh my god!
I woke up with a snake tattoo
Oh my god!
And I think that my tongue's pierced too
Oh my god! Oh my god!
It's the Sunday morning after, and baby who the hell are you?
(Oh my god! Oh my god!)

My alter ego took over and took me on a fantasy ride
You can take me anywhere twice
But the second time will be to apologize

Oh my god!
I woke up with a snake tattoo
Oh my god!
And I think that my tongue's pierced too
Oh my god! Oh my god!
It's the Sunday morning after, and baby who the hell are you?
Oh my god!
I woke up with a snake tattoo
Oh my god!
And I think that my tongue's pierced too
Oh my god! Oh my god!
It's the Sunday morning after, and baby who the hell are you?

Where am I?
What am I?
Who am I?
How did I?
- amanda marshall, sunday morning after

Hannah is of the opinion that DQ will like this song.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

So many things. Too small a head.

I bought my dress. Prom dress. I'm happy.
I cannot get over what happened on friday afternoon.
Not my fault, I had no intention, but I pulled the trigger.
So get out of my selfishness and be strong for... But how can i be anything for?

I'm sorry Mr teo, if I have been disturbing you.

So we've got it spinning round. What do we do? Naught.

Blessed are the shallow, depth they'd never find

Also, I'm suddenly plagued with insecurities, what, if I had been wrong?
*never declare what you cannot be sure of, you'd only end up explaining yourself*
Somewhat echoing the fool in Lear.

Band of the evening: Save Ferris. THE WORLD IS NEW!

Saturday, November 02, 2002

I am writing this above your blog.
I am sorry, I knew no other way.
I was selfish, very very selfish.
My anger was justified, but it was not hate, it was pain.

It still hurts to hear your voice, shaking in agony. to know that I hurt you by simply existing.
To know that you love me, and that I love you, but they do not meet.
It hurts that I harbour anger...
And to know that I did not have consideration for you when I attempted to handle that anger.

But why did you have to?
twice over I ask this question, refering to 2 different junctures in our relationship.
The first you will never answer too, I don't want to know. It will only hurt more.

The second.
Why 6? why not 9 or 10?
a cry perhaps?

Leave me in my selfishness... or guilt.
But I do love you, in my selfish way.
But not in the way you do.
I will try try try.


I want to slap you and hold you at the same time.

Being self-absorbed

Guilt: a selfish reaction to another's pain.

I will try not to, But to be strong, for him and me.
To understand that delicate balance.

But for now. I'm just paralyzed...
I can only sit here... and helplessly delete blog entries.
Flacid and useless.

Father God, please.

Oh but God it was my fault.
I shouldn't have...


You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back

And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded

I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there for me to
come back

She tied you to a kitchen chair,
She broke your throne and cut your hair,
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah.

And she broke you...

Darn the day.
I am so in the mood for good ol' Ha Cheong Kai with vodka.
So we'll set a date for getting drunk in the gutters Andrea?

Oh damn my A levels.

Just another road block in my life.

Good night world.
*thinking hard*

That's how it's been lately.
It's amazing that I'm still studying, though most of the time is spent trying to eradicate the random thoughts that float through my mind.

Cell group:
Question ~ What would you do if you were God after Gensis 11?

If I were a mother, even if my child went astray, I wouldn't kill him and simply beget another...

That we images of God, would still be beautiful,
...despite being imperfect.
God's not done with me yet... forgive me.

Friday, November 01, 2002

I see that I am having a hay-day on my blog.

Beautiful, don't know if I should agree with your opinion on blogging. "such a superfical outlet of communication."
Then again... it has the paradoxical nature of being the safest, and thus by far becoming the most dangerous.

So it's back to the ol rat dragger race (somehow dennis, that always reminds me of chris)
How are the hamsters doing babe? Feed them well, clean them and love them.
Go forth and multiply
But beware.. 3 generations of 40 hamsters can be quite a handful...

She's a beauty queen
My sweet bean bag in the street
Take it
down to the laundry scene
Don't know why she's in my hand
Can't figure what it is
but I lie again
Okie guys, check this out... it's dennis' link of the week.
Who the hell?

So like she has the Bod and a pretty good face. But naayyyyyyyyyyy....

I've seen better heads in my lifetime. Like daryl said : standard lah.

Buck up your standards dennis.

ohhhhh but puh-lease check out her songs and her voice.
Haunting... Makes me wanna cry.

(or shriek in agony which ever one applies)

I woke up with her voice ringing in my head.
(to be exact it was her cover of I don't wanna miss a thing under the "misc" section of "music")
*somebody shut that banshee up*
But I gotta hand it to her.
She has guts, to put a voice like that on public domain and acknowledge that it BELONGS to her.

I gave her a 6/10. I mean attitude, and looks thrown together. (just don't let her sing) Pretty good. But something abt her style erks me...
Maybe it's her narcissistic, self-absorption. (she said she was a semi-narcissist.. she totally under rates herself)

And I bet some of you are nervously shifting around musing: why does Hannah go around checking girls out?!"

*blink* It's a best friend thing. eh dennis?

Thursday, October 31, 2002


Beautiful time.
Not just being happy, laughing, being loved...But in healing.

Thank you all for not judging or accusing.

And to you. For loving me, no strings attached.

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear...

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

The enigma of Love

I'm trying. It's been 5 years and I'm a little bitty rusty. Fear is not of God, so what can I say about my love which evokes fear?
That all I am trying to do now, is give without restraint and with abandon. It's been a long time, and I have so much to GIVE!!

"you gave me something
like loving
and took me in so soon
you took my feelings
from nothing
came back at noon
just meet me
i'm ready
to show myself to you

you've found my river
now will you
escape away too
but baby
i'm ready
i'm falling into you

cause you make me feel
cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and free me "

All of you. *hug*

To be Human

A good friend of mine was sharing her experience with me.

That she did not want to shortchange herself of this experience. However.... yes you did get a little carried away with the grief and got sucked in eh?

But something that you said struck me:

"It's good to do that if you want to be human, but not if you want to heal"

So I thought about it. and realised...

That if we made a concious deliberate effort to feel or experience something, that wouldn't be a natural "human" thing to do would it?

Isn't everything that we do, feel, think and experience all contained within the arena of "being Human"? I mean Hitler was being human, so were you when you got over him in 2 days. So am I having fallen in love again, and so is dong, still being unabled to let go. It's just which aspects of humanity we're emulating. Afterall, we are all human, bred of the same condition, same emotional, spiritual, physcological creator, image, purpose.

So i figured, nothing we do can make us any more human, or any less for that matter. So heal on baby!

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Ahhhh... so I've just started to rebuild my faith in human nature. (As dennis would put it, "have more faith Hannah") Sooooo... far so good, I can start to love willingly, opening up delicately despite my otherwise leathery exterior. But as much as I am beginning to allow myself to be entralled in this recollected experience (last i remember being somewhere at 13 years of age... 5 years, 5 teen-age years, of being unabled to let another person close... except for dennis) I start to doubt. Not the goodness and beauty of others, not that, which is easily beckoning me to submit to self-release, but myself.

I start to worry that if I allow myself to get involved in a whole new web of unrestrainted friendships, that I might be my self-traitor, poisoning whatever is joyfully granted to me, not by any right but by grace (like every relationship on earth is but an image of our relationship with God, the fact that we are loved despite being so unlovely is a gesture of grace).

Like you Dennis, I am a creature of necessity, i.e. i make and keep relationships out of necessity. No sentimentality, no emo (but I am a girl afterall so i guess Hannah no. 4 may emerge once in a while, maybe while looking at photos, but on the whole, i would not attempt to revive whatever has passed).

My philosophy? They come and go, both for a reason, when the time comes, let them go their way, they have fulfilled their purpose in your life, and you in theirs.

Fine by me for the past 5 years. But suddenly, with the re-introduction of "friends" along with all it's perks: laughter, ease, gossip, acceptance, love, dreams, concern, sharing... (you know me I could continue) I'm stumped. So I live and love, but I doubt... Do i love because I love? Or am i the perfect specimen advocating the Solipsistic theories... That everything I do, be it to befriend, to hold, to encourage, to love, springs not from an inner honest beauty, but from a self-centered, self-seeking, selfish machiavellian motivation, that it's all about me, my advancement, my life.

Or am I simply being human?

So how do I say I love... when I feel I do, but fear that I do not.


I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I'll give you my heart

I love you
And you alone were meant for me
Please give your loving heart to me
And say we'll never part

I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight

I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart

I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight

I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart

For angie

Top 10 Fave Things

1. Dennis
2. Friday pre-CG coffee
4. "studying" with Angie and DQ
5. Jogging
6. Meeting up unexpectedly with old friends. (like Dawn and Cheryl)
7. Getting sweet surprises. (that are REALLY surprises)
8. Waiting no more then 5 min's for my bus
9. Long bus rides (969 or 858) but the air-con can't be too cold...
10. Shout outs!
Taking a breather from King Lear.

"Fie fo and fum
I smell the blood of a british man"

Ok maybe not.

And I haven't the inkling of an idea how someone is doing... Do you know DQ? or BL? anyone? let me know that he's alive? Dennis was being physic and predicting where he is and how he's feeling... praying he's alright. I just wish this was a better time, then again, no time is a good time. So like we all say, and I believe, we'll grow. He'll be ok.

And to a very precious nicotine-stained one.

Hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home,
Why don't you let me take you,
it's no good to go alone,
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me,
After all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see,
I don't have to pretend,
she doesn't expect it from me

So don't tell me I
haven't been good to you,
Don't tell me I
haven't been there for you
Just tell me why
nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy,
your momma said that it's o.k.,
The door is open come on outside,
no I can't come out today,
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground,
Who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone,
You know I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this

So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you,
Don't tell me why
he's never been there for you,
And I'll tell you that why
he is simply not good enough,
So just let me try
and I will be good to you
Just let me try
and I will be there for you,
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough

And to you... who know's all

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

you take me in
no questions asked
you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me
are you an angel
am I already that gone
I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me
is a cold room

Monday, October 28, 2002

Well, I'm building up momentum for the big A's. Yes my party mates, I AM trying to speed them up but there is only so much i can do as a candidate yes?!
Anyway, I'm just stressing out over math, econs, and TSD, that's like 3/4 of everything I do eh? And surprising my Lit has been pretty co-operative... hmmmmm... must be the weather.

I'm getting worried, someone hasn't been blogging. I hope he's coping fine.

Are you a slob, a snob or a blob??? Find out now!

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You are not a slob, snob or a blob!!! You might even be a balanced individual, productive and probably frustrated daily by the numerous slobs, snobs and blobs of the world. It is increadible how many people can really have appalling mannerisms and social presentation. Don't let it get you down - rise up and show everyone how good it is to be you.

Oh freak, and they call that individual BALANCED?? man, if I ever ended up swiggling in a black lingerie set... I'd have to be dead drunk.

Ok so who feels that this is stumbling? HANDS UP!!! or more like: SHOUT OUT!!!
What Kind of Virgin Are You?

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Awwwwww shucks, so it don't exist? Ah well, whatever.
To you too

I�m gonna rock you like a baby when the cities fall
We will rise as the building�s crumble
Float there and watch it all
Amidst the burning, we�ll be churning
You know, love will be our wings
The passion rises up from the ashes
When the world ends

Sunday, October 27, 2002

What guitar are you?

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you gave me something
like loving
and took me in so soon
you took my feelings
from nothing
came back at noon
just meet me
i'm ready
to show myself to you

so if i lose my patience
you must try to understand
try to understand
if i lose my patience
oh yeh

cause you make me feel
cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and free me

you make my wishes
as much as
your kisses make me blue
you've found my river
now will you
escape away too
but baby
i'm ready
i'm falling into you

so if i lose my patience
you must try to understand
try to understand
if i lose my patience
oh yeh

cause you make me feel
cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and free me

free me
free me
wow wow wow
wow wow wow
wow yeh

cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and touch my inner smile

come get my inner smile
yeh yeh

sometimes i need to be alone
there's times i need for you to phone
sometimes you make me feel so high
there's times i ask myself why


To the most beautiful girls in the world

Victims of a world of rage.

Dearest Sue, plese eat. I want you to get your life back to.
John 10:10 "i came that you might have life, and have it to the full"

Miki ~ the personification of light.
Beauty and gentleness,
with a quiet and graceful spirit.

It hurts doesn't it. Nothing justifies this. Nothing nothing nothing nothing.

All through the night I'll be standing over you
All through the night I'll be watching over you
And through the bad dreams I'll be right there, baby
Holding your hand, telling you everything's gonna be all right
And when you cry I'll be right there
Telling you you were never anything less than beautiful
So don't you worry, I'm your Angel standing by

Friday, October 25, 2002

"below the broken past, the battered body and the wasted soul lies my reason for living. if i have dig out the history, rebuild the body and revitalise the soul (and get cellulite on my butt), im ready as ever to start."

"Are you coming? Daryl said that if you're not going then we're not going."

And i was complaining about?

I've got all i need

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

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*grump* so leave me all of ya.

I thought you wanted...
That has got to be the lamest.
It wasn't going to be the last either.

Just shut up and...
So i did. But i didn't do the latter. I couldn't.
And i lost a lot. A hell lot...
As much as you didn't want to... we did anyway.
numb, quiet pain, numb can't feel the rain

WE'LL figure out how
I left in pristine conditions, clean and good.
I came crawling back, without any right to dignity
Used and torn and tangled.
Expecting you to clean up the mess i made for myself.
(what an ingrate i am)

So you want to anyway...
and i want that to, so you can truely say "it's yours"

"No matter what."
"no place in this"
"If there's one thing i want from you, i want you to regain"
More then a mind-reader (fill-in-the-blanks)
A heart-feeler.

And I love you.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

So I had another good day.
Thank you my lovely ladies for being great ears. Love doing coffee with you girls.
So my bad day lightened up. Looks like things are on the upward track for me.
Well andrea, I hope things work out for you. In every sense of the word.

Crush me
.... with the things you do.

What's your brand of sexy?

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Intellectual-Sexy.... You are the brains behind every operation, and it shows. The the precision in which you lure the boys in is unsurpassed. You need someone as intelligent as you, which seems to be your greatest problem, as noone is THAT smart. Maybe you should lighten up and simply enjoy things, like the rest of us neanderthals.

So I have smart eyes and am intellectual sexy.. hmmmm... mugger.

Monday, October 21, 2002

which eye are you?

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Ahhh, so i may the eyes be the window to the soul.

I had a good day, I guess, cept that going back to school after such a long time had queer effects on me. For one i felt like i was in year one all over again and could feel all the insecurites seep back in from the base of my brain. I knew i was gone when I felt I couldn't eat lunch alone. But then i slapped myself (figuratively please) and shook it all off... almost. thanks sha.

So the morning went well enough, trying to study amidst erwin's asmathic GIGGLES at "f**k you" and his rambling on desertification and the importance of being abled to differentiate the widening of the desert margin due to climatic reasons or human intervention. wtf you ask. I asked that to, but he's a nice guy and oh so funny, so no harm done. Cherry my girl, you have a very decent guy on your hands. Treat him well and as angie would say. GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY! however considering it's the 2 of you... don't multiply. heh j/k

The lit discussion was good, eye-opening tat tat tat... I saw the most gorgeous girl ever today. Exotic, tall, slim, wavy hair, greyish blue eyes, perfect nose, mouth skin.. drool. Of course dennis had to reply my report demanding to know if I had gone schizo (and dennis it's not "sketso") or if i had been looking into the mirror... i guess what really struck me was how nice she seemed, that despite her immense beauty, it didn't seem to get to her head. nice.

Ahhh andrea, I worry for you and I pray for you. I love you too.