Saturday, April 15, 2006

Jie Yi

My Chinese name means Purity and Obedience. Purity is anyone's judgement, depending where you stand on the spectrum of fundamentalism, but obedience, now that's another story.

I wouldn't say that I'm disobedient, however the term is defined. In fact I have it on my heart (and character) to be as obediant as possible toward persons/institutions that I respect. And that is not a frequent occurance. People need to earn the right to speak truth in someone's life, and in mine, the price is high.

Tom always jokes about my assumed inability to find a husband if the condition is that he is one who can domesticate me, or in his less genteel lexicon, he must be one who can "submit me".

And I realise that that is quite true. My pride may hence be my downfall, but on some respects, it is relatively easy to force ernest regard from me. Steadfastness, integrity, surety and above all confident authoritative love. Complement my pendulous and volatile fire with a steady stream of truth and direction, and all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay and follow thee my lord throughout the world.

Yes. I am currently reading pride and prejudice.
And having some rather distrubing dreams.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Today was both wonderful and disastrous at the same time.

I guess it all evens out.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Weak me.

Our relativist, polite encouragement-over-discipline society has given way to an inability for people to pronouce stupidity when they see it.

Some decisions made, no matter the circumstances and context, are inexcusibly moronic.

and the worst part is, we're all expected to live with the consequences.
need... lots... of... grace. But my opinion still stands, unwavering.
P.S. Thank you Doc, for being so very human with me.
Pastor or not, all those are social constructs, but the truth of God is engagment, expression and reality.

In other news, I am going Sinophobic again.
3 days on Bowen and I forget I'm not white.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Mel and I have an agreement: He will stop cigging, if I stop reading Dennis' blog.
Ok. This calls for mutual support.

At anyrate, Bowen Island was great. I feel like I have lived a lifetime in three days. And nothing violent or exhilerating. The sheer silence, the emerald light, coupled with good company and endless hours of reading just made for a good time. A good time of self-reflection (not introspection) with heartfelt sharing (Dear Laura) and wooded walks (Dear Tara). I climbed a hill with a heavy backback, I hitch-hiked, and I felt taken seriously by the Ryan family at L'abri.

I felt out of my usual self, and deeper in my element.

I realise that the issues I face have nothing to do with being dissatisfied/disgusted with who I am. but rather are deep frustrations rising from me not being everything that I should be.
- I am not enough of me.

And in that knowledge, I quake with excitment in the possibilities that lie ahead.

oh! And I saw three Llamas today. They were cute

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I'm off to Bowen Island for the next three days.
I don't seek to find anything, because life is built on the moments we never thought would happen.
Reacting to those moments isn't a discipline of what one knows, but ultimately on who one is.

We spend so much time in school learning how to do things, that we rarely meditate on becoming who we should be. And only when we learn how to lower our wings, will the true exchange on beings come to pass.

So I'm going away, in a bid to come back stronger.
I have left and am still tired of being gone.