Saturday, January 27, 2007

Oh and Tristan skyped me today.
I'm listen to our rendition of Collide.
I miss the good ol days.
This really is just for me

The power of an artist lies in his ability to take your story and put it into words and song, and then merge it with the greater story that is all of us. Here's mine, and all in one album!

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

It's at moments like this when I question my sensibilities. Everyone asks why I decided to commit to Belmont while still being inexorably attched to Dennis. The fear that I will be faced with a difficult situation in the future still looms overhead and I have done all in my power to keep this possibility away. I have made it clear many times, to others and to myself, that I decided to not wait forever. The journey that we had taken these past two years has not in anyway surprised me. It almost seems that I know Dennis too well to be taken aback by anything he could conjure. Our last meeting on the third of January only served to prove that point. I was almost disappointed that there wasn't anything more to his side of the story. Perhaps I was looking for some redeeming factor, something to explain away all... this, and to leave me with a little more respect for the person I had loved for 7 years, and still, in some unwilling capacity, still love.

On my birthday, he sent me an email, just to say hi and to update me on things. I initially responded with a five paragraph essay wrought with emotion and bitterness. Get out of my life. I never want to talk to you again. I loved you and you gave me up with no satisfactory justification. For nothing. I know you'd rather things be different, I know you did not make these choices with the best of your sensibilities. I know the best of your sensibilities. I bring them out in you. You wanted me back, I came back. You were not there. You promised. But there was Mel, dear Mel with whom I would be happy grafting my life into, who smokes to keep my emotional wellbeing intact. He takes care of me when I fail to see that I need to be taken care of.

I sent my five paragraph emotional disseration to Mel and Belmont and proceeded to pick out the necessary from the indulgent and condense them into a curt, single, paragraph. Which was then sent. With the intended, desired results.

I cannot see how any of this hurting is worth it. Although much lessoned, this is the single most senseless -thing- in my life. The only one that grants against my universal sense of justice. Perhaps I saw it coming, "My Bestfriend's Wedding" must have served as some form of environmental prophecy as I railed against the unthinkable conclusion.

My first emotive response to Dennis' email was how desecrating it was. His casuality seemed to disregard the trauma that he had put, and is still putting, me through. It seemed that he still has not successfully grasped the extent of my pain and how weightily this situation laid its hand on me (perhaps by dramatic choice). And perhaps this is the last frontier for me. I must recognise that while I crave equal redress, it serves no higher purpose other then self-absorbed self-directed and, ultimately, selfish justice. I still look back to McClaren's concept of the Cross, that it was God's pain of our betrayal expressed, and ultimately, absorbed.

I am only human (a reason, though not excuse) and I still struggle with this. At the end of the day, I want Dennis to appreciate our extent of loss. You cannot hide forever.

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another


'How to save a life' & 'All at once' both by The Fray

Friday, January 26, 2007

I actually miss wearing jewelry. To have huge chunks of metal swaying off my neck, or a massive stone off my finger. Either exotic or sentimental. They mark me as different. I find that I am afraid of being normal. Hence by ponytails coupled with headphones. I cannot stand to think that I'd be like, or identified with anyone else. I don't do too well with the whole group thing I guess. I think that's why I love my basement. It's isolatry. But I think it's unhealthy in that. Oh well, time and place for everything.

So anyway, I miss wearing jewelry. Here I just try to dress warmly.
RE: Celebrating the Mundanity

So she thinks she isn't saving the world, but here's my I-respect-myself-even-less report on mundanity and my life.

- Wake up at 8.30 am everyday, with a mind to Skype my boyfriend. I smash in the snooze button and go straight back to sleep
- Wake up at 10.30 feeling guilt ridden.
- Turn on my computer (of course he's asleep), check my email, Blog and play Vampires! The Dark Alleyway
- Go brush my teeth.
- Start my homework
- Don't leave my basement until I have an excuse (Groceries, Gym...)
- Do the dishes. Sometimes.
- Midnight rolls around and I tell myslf that If I don't sleep NOW, I won't get up in time for 8.30 again.
-Sleep at 2 am.

Save the world? I can't even save myself! And let's not talk about interviews.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

The one thing that consumes me now is my lack of a job. So if anyone out there has any contacts, let me know.

I also wonder if I will ever not be consumed by something.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Birthday baby

Very happy. Thanks Gladys.
As usual, I had the best birthday ever. Shulin out does herself year after year. I have half a mind to sabotage graduation just to see what she'll pull out next year.

Thank you all, for agreeing to love me.
I feel so undeserving.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Geez. I thought that I'd be coming back to an empty schedule and life in Canada. I thought that this would be a quiet term of reclusion. But both Mel and Shu were right.

"Just you wait Hannah..."

Wait? Nah, I'm too busy doing my own thing to do that.
There's nothing like waking up to a three hour conversation with a good friend.
Don't leave me!