Saturday, February 11, 2006

Love it

A lot of talk on love going around these days. Must be the ghost of Hallmark's Valentine's haunting lonely hearts. But of late, I think in the shadowing days of my happy return on Singapore (for a full glorious 8 months no less), I am starting to worry about identity and relationships all over again. In the past 3 years here, I have laughed, loved, lost and cried.

I have made myself a home. This temporal window in Vancouver has had its role in shaping me. And I have gratefully lain roots down in its very, welcoming soil. And I love you all.

So I am going to return to Singapore for 8 months, and it means a lot of things. I am really excited about reconnecting with the Identity that has been granted to me there. I believe that it will require renegotiation. What with all the emotionalism that I underwent with Dennis and giving up my Citizenship, things have definately shifted under the surface. More then I am aware off.

At the same time, it will mean that I hang up interacting with my identity here in Canada. And unlike Singapore, where people stay put. Vancouver is notorious for its transciency, and most of the familiar faces that I have grown to identify with are leaving. To Japan, To India, To China, To Calgary, To America... Mars. And what then of these people who have moved me?

On a seperate note, I have been revisitng Curt's notion of emotional fornication. This year has been especially bad. While I no longer have emotional one-night-stands with my victims demanding to know why I never call, I have been swimming though majority of my relationships, without commitment or anchorage.

Save for a couple.

So for now, before my energy and spirit finds itself in too many obscure pockets and friendly waves, I will be making an attempt to reconnect with the ones I seek to carry though life, past my university days.

And while I am trying to find my center in all this, I will also seek to find the truth about myself.
In that, while being intentionally relational, I will be intentionally true.
And that means relearning how to forgive. For my inability to Forgive, both myself and others, manifests in an inability to seek how others can forgive me. And in doing so, I necessarily distance myself from relationships that have potential confilct grafted into them.

And so it is, just like you said it would be. Life does go easy on me.

Most of the time.

The glare of that much-mentionned brilliance, love,
Broke out, to show
Its bright incipience sailing above,
Still promising to solve, and satisfy,
And set unchangeably in order. So
To pile them back, to cry,
Was hard, without lamely admitting how
It had not done so then, and could not now.
~ Larkin. Love Songs In Age.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

All the promises we made.

I've been having a great couple of days. Very full, very alive, very aware. Looping around in the loop. I would, however, like to get a taste of being a silent observer and being comfortable with that. And herein lies the problems associated with roles and labels: you act like you are made out to be. Yes human agency exists, but only with human awareness.

'You'd make a great politician'
~ 3 very unrelated people.
in 3 very different situations

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I have a question. Are you going to wear your socks high or low tomorrow?
~ Beautiful

Life was so simple back then.

So if it follows then that the reason for our pain, suffering and imperfection is due to our finite natures, then the real sin isn't in what we do, or what we fail to believe in, but in the very fact that we are finite. Or at least, made to me connected with infinite perfection. God. We were made, with the sole intention to be with God, connected with God, expanding gradually into His infinity as we grow in the likeness of Him.

But because we're finite, and that is our crime, it follows then that every good thing we are/have, every positive attribute one might possess is, by virtue of its limited composition, a flaw. Our patience dissolves into passivity, passion into agression, love into idolatry and faith into blindness.

Our strong points, inadvertantly become our weaknesses.

Nothing that we have/are, seperated from the boundlessness of God can be solely good. Therefore, everything that we have/are, the brightest good and cleanest virtures, are broken, dirty and weak. Be humble, for there is nothing good in you that you can claim for yourself. Apart from God, you are but a poor imitation of goodness, worthless like broken glass.

All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
~Isa 64:6