(U)

Goodbye Singapore. I am leaving.

It's the thought of leaving you and seeing the tears in your eyes that make me so afriad. I can live! I can survive, but when I live for someone else fear creeps in when I cannot live with them. But with yin there is yang and with my fear there is strength knowing that there is somebody who can be the constant in my life. On whom i can depend on. Anyway, it's late and I'm turning in.

There is no space for fear in my life. I will just do it.
And I will be back, for you.

I would've said more, but I'm doing a favour. So anyways...

In less then 48 hours, I will be gone to Vancouver. I'm talking to Ian now and I know that I will always love him and he will always love me. Of all the kids, I've missed watching him grow the most.

And Belmont. Can happiness be made more perfect?

Ang Mo Kio @ 10pm.
I step into Belmont' car.
Smile.

Hello.

And then he drives us deeper into our private world.

I don't wake with the feeling of dread at the back of my throat, but rather with the slow ache of anxiety in my bones. What if I can't find a good place to live? What if I can't find a fulfilling job? Pointless as shearing cats really, but what can I do? I lie in bed captive to the weight of my fears. They've created a dent in my mattress and kinks in my joints.

I can't move.

There is not space for fear in a student's life, you just do it.
~ Me, on an essay that looked me in the eye like death would.

I had the best New Year's ever. Close friends who make me realise that I need nothing else in this world other then what I already have. Why ask for more?

And on that note, Sunday's service made me look forward to Vancouver. The seven months will give me time to review and reflect and redesign my journey with the nebulous institution of 'church'.

B.C., wait for me.

I can't believe that time has flown by so rapidly. It seems like only yesterday Gwen screamed "WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?" at my flacid and timorous self as I trotted pensively toward the faculty offices. Now, she has a new album, and I am to leave Singapore in a week.

As Aunty Wenli was saying at fourth-grand-aunt's wake this evening, a lot has happened within these few months. I traversed Indochine with a highly beloved friend and returned to the drama of identity politics. I started school and found my family. I fell in love with two people, at a similar time and chose one. I stage managed, albeit poorly, a church musical and drastically redirected the academic course of my life. I reconnected with old friends and my fourth-grand-aunt passed away.

I am ready to return to Vancouver. So much is waiting for me. and I will meet her head on.