Friday, August 05, 2005

Happy Chinaman

Anyone walking about Chinatowns in America will observe statues of a stout fellow carrying a linen sack. Chinese merchants call him Happy Chinaman or Laughing Buddha.

This Hotei lived in the T'ang dynasty. He had no desire to call himself a Zen master or to gather many disciples around him. Instead he walked the streets with a big sack into which he would put gifts of candy, fruit, or doughnuts. These he would give to children who gathered around him in play. He established a kindergarten of the streets. Whenever he met a Zen devotee he would extend his hand and say: "Give me one penny."

Once as he was about to play-work another Zen master happened along and inquired: "What is the significance of Zen?"

Hotei immediately plopped his sack down on the ground in silent answer.

"Then," asked the other, "what is the actualization of Zen?"

At once the Happy Chinaman swung the sack over his shoulder and continued on his way.

There we go. The Gospel: of faith and works.



I will always appreciate that title Doc, though I understand full well that Ain has taken over. ;) Thank you for being there, being human and being gracious in every circumstance. I've grown a lot under your guidence and although I'd have loved to spend more time with you and Tess, God had other plans.

Thank you.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I hold a vision...

I daren't dream too far or too generously. I fear falling from too great a height and breaking too many bones. But whatever, big things are moving and I'm starting to see how everything is woven together to work for the good of those who love Him and who have been called to according to His purpose. I can't say that I'll enjoy where I end up, but if Bonhoeffer is anything to go by, no-one bloody cares about that.

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to...

Talking to Curtis tonight, I was affirmed of my vision. Positivity flowed, and it started to feel bigger then I was. We talked of a possible Nav home, of community, of involvement, of activity and love and life and friends and callings.

"I'm gald that you have visions for this"
~ Curto.

You know your failures
But I know your heart...

on the 17 back to my basement, I thought about where I was and felt a sense of empowerment, of capability and strength.

I remember breaking down in front of Joshua in CBC back in the days where the Star Team was still jamming together. I had watched the youths twist passionately in the emotive worship session I had led. Something that I had sworn off since the days of Megalife. I felt highly unprepared and highly out of control, yet powerful and formidable. Some funny yinging and yanging of pride and fear.

I fear pride.

You've read one page
I know the story...

I'm starting to see the image forming before me. But I think I spend too much time trying to figure out the future without living and preparing for it now. I need to stop wasting time on what I cannot control and concentrate on making the best out of what I have now. Life is too precious and too short to dream away.

You see your yesterdays
I see tomorrow...

But I see where it all comes from. It's like some cosmic game of Cluedo that's gradually unfolding. Pieces fit and serve some uncanny function. Sometimes artful, sometimes rediculous. But who am I too deem what's best?

I thank God though, for this summer with(out) Dennis. It seems that this has served to strengthen me. To teach me solidarity within myself and confidence. Being pushed out into the great unknown, quite by myself, I think it served me well. I couldn't care less about people's opinions while being concerned with community. So this is what I now do.

Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view...

Dreams I dream for you ~ Avalon.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Why do my Dad and Grandmother laugh everytime they interact with me?
I must be a funny piece of progeny, and really loved.

That's what you are...

The thing that really bites about a broken relationship is the other relationships that it drags down along with it as it sinks.
Gravity sucks.

But that's alright.

The dead float silently.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


I enjoy long lonely busrides. I left my iPod at home today to spend some time alone with myself on the bus. This is the time when I think, savour possibilities and allow for the bits of myself to be properly shelved back to where they belong.

I take time to go though my closet of identities, and spring clean.

When in doubt, throw.
~ Ling yu, on her blog.

It is true that there is a difference between vulnerablilty and dependency. Love and need. So I would like to take that extra care in how I exist and interact with people. 'Go where you're valued' says Ryan to his Mom. I have been careful in understanding how I am valued and why I am valued. So I'm taking care to ensure that unnecessary roles do not clutter my identity, nor would I allow for old clutter to gather deceitful cobwebs.


I need to sell my bed. Frick.

Monday, August 01, 2005

I'm just packed with activities. Rushing from group to group, appointment to appointment, person to person. I am going to have to learn to be wise about what I decide to do. I also have to be wise about who I decide to be.


~ Non-native english speaker on the bus. He was trying to say 'are you for real?'

I have found that it is more important to be real then to have all these little agenda's that push you through, robbing you of your personhood. You run the agenda. Don't let it run you.


I love being disillusioned. Not in the negative sense as we understand it today, but in terms of disrobing falsehoods, of shedding dead, rotting notions of reality.

Or in DJ's army slang: 'go unfuck yourself.'

(*maybe now's a good time to deal with the language use on my blog. I apologise for any offence administered and would like to state that I never use words flippantly. I understand words to be cultural symbols laden with messages that are inherently neutral. I reserve the right to use all words, in ways that are appropriate in accordance to the author's (i.e. me) discretion. I do not intend to be careless or disrespectful in anyway, but I intend to be real. This is me. Thank you for your kind understanding. Comments are appreciated.)

Sunday, July 31, 2005

I can't tell if I have insomnia or if I can't control my overactive mind.

But once again, lying in the darkness trying to calm my restless self, I was amazed at how my life has been filled with wonderful people. People who care, support, who are trustworthy and god-fearing. Even if they aren't Christian, they love deeply. More then I believe that I am worthy of.

Life is good.