Friday, November 12, 2004

The dream of my Father.

John 10:10
I come that you might have life and have it abundantly.

Oh, I�m choking, I�m choking
On the smoke from this burning house
I claw and I scrape
But I can�t seem to get out

People, my dead life as you know it, is over.

Oh, it�s my world, too
But whose gold is this I�m digging out?

I stayed up till 4 am last night, watching 'Saved' with my boyfriend, then talking to Shulin. I decided somewhere in the movie that the life I lead, the person I am, will not be a result of tradition or communial belief. I will not reject the tradition of my religion, but I will not be slave to blind indoctrination. I will not throw away all ancient and paternal wisdom within my family or the church, but I will understand them in my context and above all, seek the Holy Spirit.

Is this time our time?
Yes, it is
Without or with this shadow of doubt

I have never been more alive then this year, when I decided to live. I understand that no one can live my life but me. No one can take responsibility for the sins I commit, or for the good choices and joy that I experience except for me and Jesus. God made me such, and I will seek my being and my humanity with in him.

I wanna go, I wanna run
We turn, so sure someone�s looking down
It�s haunting me, haunting me
Leaves us here to get out

I have nothing to fear, no shame due to me, no guilt except in they eyes of God. I owe no one an apology as no one owes me a living. I am not due to live my life to anyone's expectations: society's church's family's culture's yours, mine. I cannot live my life fearing social rejection or with my thru-line being to please every goddamn human soul here. I cannot keep living in shame, fear, inconfidence and embarrassment of who I am. I am made in the image of God and every inch of my being is in Him and belongs to Him and to Him alone and not anyone's monolingual perception.

I don�t want to wake up
Lost in the Dreams of our Fathers
Oh, it�s such a shame child
To live and die for the Dreams of our Fathers

I've had a great life as a child with my identity tied to my family, society, religion and culture. It was my empirical standard. But there comes a time, now when it has become my bondage. The safe sheep-pen in which I grew up in becomes my prison. I will not sell my life short to a structure that isn't mine, I will not deny myself an abundant life with God to my self-imposed religion. I will find my joy, my understanding, my peace and my victory in who I am uniquely in Christ. Not what is expected of me, not in the SOPs of my indoctrination, but in what is organic, real and true.

This love I possess, love
It must be the Dream of my Father.

My heavenly Father. Alone. My personal living God in whom my vision is founded. I can only say, that the life I'm living now, the Love I have for my friends, my family, for school, for the church, for Seth (especically), can only be of God, from God and for God. The peace I revel in can only be His pleasure in my life, (dare I say this?) that I am living out what he has always wanted me to be. In Love, In Life, In victory.

And in the words of Les Miserables: To love another, is to see the face of God.

What more do I seek, But to live in His presence? And how can I turn away from this reality of grace in the face of harsh Law to reach holiness? More more more more more, then I can ever contain, his love, his grace his bigness.

The more I search and remove myself from the past, the greater and more amazing God becomes.

(Lyrics: DMB ~ Dreams of our fathers)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

It's 3:20 in the morning, my toes are frozen from having walked half way round campus in slippers, pajamas and a thin jacket. Cling-wrapped to Sarah, Shu, Aruna and DJ in glorious relationships, we stood on the cliff, drapped in darkness and silence, and watched the northern lights parade over the city.

I've been here for 10 years, and I've never seen this in vancouver
~ Man @ 3 am, on the road, smelling of pot.

The angels were worshipping, and all creation bows.

Monday, November 08, 2004

I am amazing, apparently.

That's quite natural I suppose, considering I have an amazing God and that I live in an amazing world.

Just doing the math here.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Language politics, logocentrism and me.

The Crow created the earth, the plants and the animals. After a while, the Eagle also came to wish to create so he invented words for the Crow's Creation. But the Eagle soon became so obsessed with his activity that he forgot the Creation. Yet, there remained in the Eagle a feeling that there was something beyond his words. So, he continued to talk to try to return to the Crow's Creation. Then a day came when the Eagle forgot everything, including this feeling and started believing that his words were the creation.
That day, The eagle forgot how to fly.
North American Native Legend.