Friday, September 30, 2005

Thank you Dustin for grabbing the truth by the shoulders and shaking it in front of my face. We all need more people like this who are willing to call us on issues that we should be looking at.

And thank you Dennis, for listening to me rant over MSN today, and for administering practical solutions for my pain and illusions, and especially for caring enough to tell me that I am stubborn and strong-headed.

And Josh, for being that mentor that everyone needs in life.

If I go on, I'd go on. and on and on and on.
I have wonderful people in my life.
I think E.H. Carr articulates with great accuracy the application of the balance between God's will and Man's free will. I am a materialist in my belief that life and all that it is, is reflected in the physical laws of nature, that God has so graciously created in His love. So here in lies the possiblity of understanding history and politics through a theological/spritual lense (and vice-versa) and be none the worse for it.

The Utopian is necessarily voluntarist: He believes in the possibility of more or less radically rejecting reality and substituting his utopia for it by an act of will. The Realist analyses a predetermined course of development which he is powerless to change...

...All healthy human action, and therefore all healthy thought, must establish a balance between utopia and reality, between free will and determinism.
~ E.H. Carr, The Twenty Years Crisis, 1937, London.

[26The man said, "Let me go; it's daybreak."

Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me."

27The man said, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Jacob."

28The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through."

29Jacob asked, "And what's your name?"

The man said, "Why do you want to know my name?" And then, right then and there, he blessed him.]

~Genesis 32:26-29 The Message

God calls his choosen people to wrestle with him, and to come though. Not alone, but with Him. As if a parody of this society's sick "Name-'em -and-claim-'em!" theology. I'd like to stake a claim on God's promises of His presence if I wrestle well. My free will in His.

I'm off to do Chinese now.

Thursday, September 29, 2005


Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, �Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can�t get out of this place�

There�s an emptiness inside her
And she�d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn�t listen
There�s still a hope in her it might

She says, �I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place�

There�s an emptiness inside me
And I�d do anything to fill it in
And though it�s red blood bleeding from me now
It�s more like cold blue ice in my heart
I feel like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
I could change everything about me using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

To grey

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I shouldn't be here...

People come and go all the friggin time.
Faces I fail to remember and names that escape my memory, all reduced to shadows. I show little sympathy to the dying relationships, always moving on faster to fresher hallways and coffee tables. Ebbing with the tide, reflecting that seasonal nature of Creation that permeates the very air we breathe.

It wasn't my writing...

I have used many people in my life.
Who hasn't?
This is not an excuse, but an acceptance of my part in human nature.

I'm sorry Nat, I was 17, and those were darker days.

So forgive me love...

And it's me.
Inextricably a part of and yet curiously independent from the blood of nature.
Spawn of the muddy earth merging with divine breath.
I choose and I am choosen.
I act and I react.

Here, I have reacted, by choosing
Or, I have choosen by reacting.
Either way, this is my fault.

And I will cry all afternoon.
How the billygoat did my life end up this way?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

So over the hills he�d climb
Just to see her there in time

From the outside looking in
You see there�s nothing sacred here

Hey little girl keep dancing

For the reasons out of our control You try to make it roll Like a dice away

you say that you�re all empowered here

Hey little girl keep dancing alone

This is obviously not clear enough To me

cause there�s not enough time in your day... To keep you here
My dreams expose me.

But you,
you're not allowed,
you're uninvited.

most unfortuante slight.

I need a moment to deliberate.

Monday, September 26, 2005

So Ian thinks it's all over-kill.

"Why is your chair pseudo-ly broken?"
"Pseudo-ly? Hannah, you know you've been in univeristy too long when you start seeping academic terms into life."

~Jon Hayes and myself in Dustin's living room.
Chair in question belonged to Malcom.

I no talk english. I speakah scholarnese.

So it's 10 am on a Sunday morning and I have woken up to an incredible life. Albeit it's a bitter cold reality (pathetic fallacy playing here); 10 degree weather outside and frozen hearts over the pacific.

Not that I'd like to care. To be fallacious about it, I couldn't care if I cared.
The sub-concious is a powerful thing, in spite of all your gabra contesting it's existance.
It broke me.

So apart from that embarrassingly bratty moment I had typing the above, I am about to carry on with my existance. The world will warm to life, I will have coffee with mel, make vegetable curry with Shulin and wrest a dent in that Chinese essay I have to complete prior to going to work.

Ian has many an insight to life I must say. I will chat with him a little longer. For souls like these, life can wait.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


God is not concerned about our happiness because in the light of eternity and infinity, OUR happiness is nothing. I define happiness as nothing more then a passing emotion, a REACTION to the events that happen around us. It has nothing to do with who we are and who God is. There is also a difference between happiness (the emotion) and joy (state of being/mind). Economically speaking, Happiness is derived from utility and satisfaction, while joy transcends the tangible world and delves deeper into notions of our existence and identity.

I could have been more clear in my post in stating that my comment on God's disregard for our happiness came from another source/author, who said something to the effect that "God is not concerned with our happiness as he is concerned about our growth and development." It is also a reference to other entries posted previously dealing with my engagement on the subject. But my stand is that happiness can be a very self-centered, oblivious and extremely comfort-seeking. All of which are antithetical to growth. I've been learning that God is in the process of redeeming us, and it's not a one-off thing called 'the sinner's prayer'. No, that would be cheap grace. Grace that redeems the sin, but not the sinner. So God is seeking to grow us into what we were meant to be, the original plan. That beats happiness anytime.

But that's the amazing part of the nature of God. That while not focusing on our self-centered happiness, his intention is to give us joy. Joy by fulfilling our reason for being, our chief end, which is to "glorify God and/(by) enjoy(ing) Him forever." Only then can we truly be happy.

You are right, our love is but a mere shadow of the love God has for us. Our love is imperfect. And perhaps, if our love were stronger and purer, we'd be less interested in happiness too.

And it's working. At least in my life. Had God sought only to make me happy, I'd be pretty messed up. And I wouldn't want to serve a God who patronizes as opposed to nurtures. He doesn't have to, but that's the extent of his love and grace, that he would invest His power, glory, identity and name into the development of me. I have to say that the happy form of christianity is exclusive to western society. It is very individualistic, very liberal and wealthy. I find none of that in the scripture.

Extremist? Yes. Wrong? Maybe. But this is where I am right now on my faith journey, and I stand convicted on this. I would recommend reading Bonhoeffer's "The Cost of Discipleship" as these thoughts are a direct result of this piece of work.

But a disclaimer would be good right about now. I am very happy with my life now. I cannot help but expound on how amazing God has been here in my life. I'm tired, stressed, PMSy and I suffer from low self-confidence and self-esteem, but in the grander scheme of things, it really. doesn't. matter.