Friday, October 17, 2003

It's a beautiful day.
I've come to appreciate the umbrella and the ski - jacket.
There's nothing like walking under an umbrella, watching the rain drip from the sky,
feeling the chill agaist your face while the rest of you is toasty warm,
and shrinking ever so slightly, when the wind come beneath your shelter, causing your hair to dance.

And of course, there's nothing like coming back to your residence,
jeans soaked from the thigh down and fingers numb from the cold.
Flick up the heater,
Toss borrowed umbrella down to dry,
Peel off wet shoes,
Thank God for Ingledew's 'Protector' and dry socks,
Shed wet jeans and slip into warm dry cotten thai pants,
Wrap up in best friend's XL yellow reebok sweater,
Pull out books and highlighter and turn up the radio.

And of course, there's nothing like having precious people come to your room,
To talk,
Borrow boxers,
Then to cook rice and warm up curry,
Watch carebears,
Wash up,
Desert on President's choice Decadebt Chocolate Chunk cookies.

And of course, there's nothing like having the room all to yourself.
To blog,
Sing along to Tracy Chapman,
And listen to the traffic in the rain.

I could live here, like this, for a pretty long time I guess.

And for those who are curious - yes, I have put on weight.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

The Importance of Being Ernest
Going Wild(e)

It is not in my nature to love.
I am innately misanthropic.
But I do anyway, or at least I try.

But there's a limit to what I can handle.

"I'm not made of brick,
I'm not made of stone"

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry that you all aren't either.

But what bothers me. Seriously bothers me.
Is how sometimes the self is lost to the others.
That it's lost in fear of reproach, of losing.

And what bothers me, seriously bothers me.
Is that respect is lost.

Things don't have to be this way you know.
There are a million and one other alternatives to our current lifestyle.

It's not a right.

Well I bleed and I bruise
oh but what's it to you?
I'm only human on the inside.



I feel myself falling into neediness.
I'm consiously looking for that little comfortable place to be me.
And I know that search should have ended ages ago with a little black book.
But now it's moving out into the streets,
The rooms
and the conversations.

Not good.

"I crash and I burn maybe some day I'll learn..."

Till then, I'll just keep reminding myself of the consequences of getting what I want.

Beautiful You.

I love reading your blog because it is an extension of you.
I love hearing the words off the screen as if you were right next to me.
And I live that little part of your life next to you.
And it reminds me that you're still there.

And of how much I love you.
It's come a long way since the class room days and green pinafores.

Hannah? will you hold my hand?

Flowers for....

Generally I hate flowers.
But for you kor, I'm making an exception.

They're virtual anyway.

And I love them...
They mean a lot to me

Thank you Kor...

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

A Christian Brother

The tables have turned in my eyes
I just cried... because I knew that there was nothing I could do and that it was your choice.
The baton passed from one to the other, it's my turn to cry.

And for the past few days, I don't know why I miss you so much. My thoughts turn to you ever once in a while and I make mental notes to talk to you over the internet.

I am one for lookin back, for slapping myself square in the face and demanding to know why I never tried.
I'm sorry for leaving - in every sense of the word.

But beyond myself, into your universe (for that's all there is right now)
I just pray that this will come to what it is meant to be.

The church is human, we have to get used to that and to make it as christ-like as possible.
Christ being both human and Godly.

But then again, maybe you need this, maybe this is what you have to do.

sometimes it's good to leave for awhile and come back with a change of heart. think the prodigal son
~James, my chrisitan Arts One friend.

But I fear, from a selfish point of view, that if you do,
I'll lose you.

I don't want that.

Monday, October 13, 2003

The truth of the matter

I'm a good girl mummy. Don't worry about me.

In the order of Melchizedek

It crossed my mind on the 99B-line,
wouldn't it be great to be in England on a full scholarship? With 10 000 Pounds a year to spend on living expenditure? All from the government?

Think of the amount of shopping I can do! And in London dammit!

"... And blessed be God Most High, who delievered your enemies into your hand."

And we all know where that's heading to.

You give and take away.

Just help me in the face of this

Sunday, October 12, 2003

I'm only human on the inside

Loving people, is hard to do. Especially when they decide to throw themselves beyond your reach.
But then again, sometimes I think I don't reach far enough.

How far do i have to stretch dammit?
My arm is aching.

"Not by might, not by power, but by My spirit"

A little bit more I guess, but not to the point of stupidity.

But please, I stumble and fall, baby I do it all.

Not all that it seems to be

A lot of things can be hidden