Friday, April 20, 2007

Losing [edit: them] to foolish words is heartbreaking. I understand my faults now and am working to move on.

I have also learned to appreciate my friends to a greater depth. I am truly blessed. And after talking to Tom, I have decided that I can be happy again.

[Edit: just this once, because I still care]

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Chasing Deer, with you. Hallelujah.

Yes I'm sorry that I missed you
I'm sorry that I missed you
When there's no-one there to greet you
I'm sorry that I missed you

I'm always chasing after deer
Oh my dear, oh my dear
And through the meadow I can hear
My fears, oh my fears

For myself I must remind
That the woods are usually kind
And the sea is not mine
And when I'm all alone
And chasing after deer
Don't be upset if it's scared
And I can't reach it

I know that I am fast
But it's much faster
And after a while I can't keep up
So I start to lag behind

But it doesn't know
That I've resigned
So off a cliff
It falls to the sea
And I am sad
But the sea is not mine

The sea is not mine, the sea is not mine
The sea is not mine, the sea is not mine

And just as soon it had slipped into
The sleepy dusk and it's not very likely
That we'll see it a, we'll see it a-again

Out one day
Walking one day
Out one day
With you, hallelujah
We found a wood, we un-found a wood and then
And then we cried, "Oh No"
And, please tell me will we ever find it again?
In the depths of Trolley Wood
Do trolleys still drive?

"It is better to have been wronged, then to wrong others"
~ Some chinese saying.

It is an experience, that by having grace withheld from me by doors slammed shut, the windows to my soul pour in with love and affirmation from those who truely care. Why do I give my heart away so frivolously. Must I indeed be loved by all? Perhaps then, this is good.

No excuses, only apologies, and unmitigated wounds to carry forward with me.

[Lyrics: Chasing the Deer - Midlake, Trolly Wood - Eisley]

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

did you have to break my heart too?

Losing two friends in a week sucks, and the over-reactions make me wonder if the emotional investments were worth it. But how can I say no to souls like that?

Make you sick, make you ill,
makes you cheat, slipping change from the till.
Had it up to the gills,
makes you cry while the milk still spills.
Ain't it just a bitch? What a pain, well it's all a crying shame.
What left to do but complain?
Better find someone to blame.

Hey! Get, get, get, get, get over it!

Get over it ~ OK go!

Monday, April 16, 2007

I am afriad of being still. Of silence, of being alone with myself. Of looking around at my life so full and juicy only to ask myself, Is there all there is? Is that what I'm left with to show? I couldn't have asked for a better existance, for better parents, for better friends, for a better family, a better boyfriend, a better educational experience, a better track record, a better future, a better me. My life, as far as human beings are concerned, is perfect.

I would not want to be anyone else other then myself. But I am still afraid of being alone, in case my life crumbles like a deserted sandcastle on a deserted beach where there will be no footprints to acknowledge my existance. I keep doing doing

Ahhh, and then Robby dear Robby comes onto MSN to share my little burden, and Belmont makes me laugh:

i have no more strenth bel

he will raise u
he raised lazarus
and u are only hannah
he can do it

and u might want to add
lazarus was cold meat
and u r hot

Ok I need to rest.