Saturday, April 02, 2005

(b-k�z, -kz)conj.

For the reason that; since.

I'm starting to develop a resentment towards this word. The finality of it is presumptious and falliciously proud. 'Because' will only be sufficient if it didn't exist, or if it were infinite. It's like one of those limits things that we do in math. The limit reaches 0 or infinity. And the curved like that represents the equation here represents the arena of the insufficieny of becuaseness. Because is like the bat that betrayed both bird and mammal, or the girl who claims to be Canadian and Singaporean, but rarely both. Because is empty and bereft of fulfilment.

Or maybe I'm just a post-modern ya-ya who can't get enough of the world to listen, or to agree.

Just becuase.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Falling in love.

A couple of days ago Curtis brought up the issue of emotional fornication. A malice that I believe that I'm guilty of.

for�ni�ca�tion: (f�rn-kshn)n.
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.
Word History: The word fornication had a lowly beginning suitable to what
has long been the low moral status of the act to which it refers. The Latin word
fornix, from which fornicti, the ancestor of fornication, is derived, meant �a
vault, an arch.� The term also referred to a vaulted cellar or similar place
where prostitutes plied their trade. This sense of fornix in Late Latin yielded
the verb fornicr, �to commit fornication,� from which is derived fornicti,
�whoredom, fornication.� Our word is first recorded in Middle English about
The damage done, I believe is when the intimacy is bankrupt of commitment. When there is no intention of a sustained relationship to honor the intercourse in all that it is meant to be. So like we wear clothes and keep our hands to ourselves, the same must be done with our emotional relationships.

I invoke emotional exchange and intercourse like one-night stands. I genuinely do care, I genuinely want to know who you are and to explore you. But rarely am I interested in sustaining and commiting to the intimacy. Not that it's anything wrong. In fact, I believe strongly in the strength of the self, not depending on others emotionally and getting yourself on your feet. I flirt and seduce with promises of intimacy, understanding and acceptance. And I do fulfil. Before moving on with my life again.

The result is great lonliness, and great betrayal. I think in a way, I don't know how to engage and to invest in others. And i'd really like to learn. This year I have been presented with a great number of relationships that I can invest in and really live in. I need to learn to fall in love.

So there's that, and this is a great segway into the point of life.
I'm lying in my bed on monday night wrestling with my weariness and fears of grades and the such (mind you, for a Singaporean, these are really real fears). Then God speaks.

Hannah, when will you learn to put me at the center?

This is the moment I've been waiting for. When God charges me with enjoining my head and heart. This isn't unlike the moment last year, around this time, when God called me to pray. I feel like I'm embarking on the third leg of a journey to love: Mind, Heart and now, Soul. The only difference is that now, I have no energy to be in jubilee, to wow myself over with great philosophical truisms. I'm a tired, homesick, second year arts student, struggling to keep her grades up, doing theatre, recovering and rebounding from a break-up.

Here is life. And here, I will learn to exist and to respond to the call to Love the Lord my God, with all my Heart, Mind and Soul.
Think about it.
There's a bigger picture.

Draw me deeply in.
God is relational, not a high-destined God who gives a strict paradigm of life and does not engage in relationship. The very point of the scriptures is that we cannot do biblicial interpretation from an objective standpoint.

It's a following relationship, To be drawn into the Kingdom of God and not to be coerced. It's clear, but there are enigmas to draw us out and to make us realise that God is God and we are not. And that we should humbly persue truth rather then possess it.

I'm not interested in being a Christian. I'm interested in being a disciple.
There is a lot more in virtue then can be contained in law.
Let's not be lowest common demoninator types.

Next up: Emotional Fornication.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I'm discovering my humaness daily.
I still need to get used to the idea that I'm not everything that I can be.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Life goes on.

I believe it's dead now. I don't ever want to be back there again. Now I will focus on the 9th of April and grace. I thank God for humanness and weakness. Now I think I know what I want and how to get there. Let me not deceive myself into assuming comfort and stability. I pray that I will never lose the discomfort and tension that pushes me forward. But I pray for life.

To be alive in this moment, in this moment, to be found and to belong.

I rest in the knowledge and trust of God's goodness. I realise that by giving up all, I am utterly free to be. Nevermind IR, nevermind Theatre, nevermind church, nevermind friends, nevermind relationships.

Go for it.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

What else can you do babe?
I guess I won't be coming home again.

I'm fed up with it all. Term is almost over and I can move on. I've learnt to direct bitterness at situations instead of people, but bitterness is never a good thing. I'm tried and spent.

You just took away all my promises.
Make them take away my pain

I'm learning to survive
Without you in my life,
Till you come knocking on my door.

Let the cold inside.
I'm not quite sure of when, how and why.
~ Dream Theatre. Take away my pain