I am a little annoyed that I got out of bed to write this.
AL and I talked a little about being idealists, romantics or whatever. And of how experiences nail such oft lofty thinkers to the ground (ala How-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria style). I guess I do take back a little of what I said in that it is true that my social patterns have shifted a little (since the fall), but not by much. I think what I'm trying to get at here (at 1 in the morning) is that yes, I've spent most of my life holding onto idealist beliefs about how I ought to interact with people and about what kind of society and community I want to have and how I might contribute to that. But as time went by and things happened, I realized that I just don't have the energy to do all that and when push comes to shove, I just can't.
That being said though, I think I've found a new way of expressing strength (whatever little is left or that actually exists): Raw being. I don't need to rationalize, excuse, exaggerate or diminish anything. Or put up a wall, trivialize the moment, or derail conversations. And here is my strength in that I will let you see me here. Because I am worth that much and so are you. I am learning, learning, learning to be honest and to be vulnerable - even apart from my theories and into the reality that we make for ourselves.
Remember that talk we had, by the Tadlo falls in Lao, Thi? How we talked about the values we wanted to express in our lives? I said that I wanted all things from me to stem from Truth and Love and you wished to live through Strength and Honour. And I, being ever so obsessed with reconciliation, decided that Strength and Honour must be directed by Truth and Love, and Truth and Love, without Strength and Honour, cannot be expressed and will therefore come to nothing on their own. Sometimes I look back at wonderment at those days when all the worlds problems could be solved by a bottle of cheap beer, quiet waters and moonlight and I pray that I haven't yet failed them in the wake of these complexities. I don't think I have,and it is very exciting to see how, even in difficult times, my idealistic theories, passions and beliefs don't have to give way in substance and only, if at all, in form.
What happens when ideals DO get translated into reality? What are they called then?
ps: Thanks IL and Shubs for giving me the space to just be. And for even calling me out on dark moments, seeing completely past the fragile shells and into the meat of things. And more importantly, thank you for loving me even when you see me. Love never fails.
