Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Today I wrestled, fought, built and played...

in a winter wonderland.

Adrian wearing his heart out on his face

Note: it almost never snows here

This baby has like 5 parents

I love this shot. Looks like the thing slapped Adrian

Post Soccer Damage

And it seeps into even when you're showering. When Adrian decides to sneak up into the next cubicle to dump snow on unsuspecting you.

You ought to be slapped.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

1 down 7834729 to go

I will never never never rid myself of dirt and ugliness.

Time to get down on my knees, and this time, stay down.

as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord...

Monday, December 29, 2003

The world is melting. Slipping and sliding as the sun does its work.
The world is metling. With snow and ice turning to slush and water.
The world is melting. Disintegrating, falling apart, defeated. Helpless

But I bet there's still beauty tucked away somewhere. I sure hope so.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

There are few pleasures in the world that can measure up to waking up on a wintry morning to see the sun stream in and the world engulfed in a curtain of snow. Especially if it's the day after christmas, and you're wearing your christmas present: warm wooly pajamas with sheep bears and clouds. Beautiful.

But why can't I help but... eat?

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Fire and Ice

It's snowing here at UBC.

And I'm in love. Still.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Awareness is only worth anything if you know what to do with all that knowledge.

Thursday, December 25, 2003


Not here
Not there
Not really anywhere.


Watching people makes me feel rather ungrounded. I'm still not too sure of who I am to society or where I stand. Objectivity is impossible isn't it? So I watch people and wonder if they see the fear in my eyes.


~Stephen R. Brown

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

The 2003 me

I realise I'm not a very cheerful giver.
my gifts are hardly selfless so now I wonder that when I give, is it truely in the name of Love or in the name of... me?

Anyhow i'm off to the moutains for a couple of days. Pray for my safety.


Sunday, December 21, 2003

I realise I don't have anything to say.

usually I'm bursting with emotion, a torrent of expression but today,


That's not too bad not too good.

I wouldn't call it peace, or restlessness, nor limbo.

Haha this is strange.

Oh well, on to something more innane, I think I'll be able to survive winter. 5 of us pulled our resources together to conjure up a very very decent meal for dinner. So it's 2 meals a day, Cereal for the first and whatever we can forage for the second. A movie or so in the evening and a gym workout session at midnight. Not bad.

Saturday, December 20, 2003


Don't you know I've always loved you?
Even before there was time.

Don't you know I've always loved you?
And I always will
~ Third Day

This is crazy.
There is so much power flowing around moving and pushing.
There is so much tension, struggle and war.

It pushes forth from a single word, a single gesture a single espression.
And the world is new.

And I sit here, being painfully aware and yet unaware.
Being instrumental and being acted upon at the same time.

But all in all, being utterly helpless and swept up in this immense tide of change.

Move me.

Thursday, December 18, 2003


Shut up shut up Please shut up!

"...believe me, being your own confident is not healthy."
I know... trust me.

Some changes are going to have to kick in.

So like, what now?

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

where do I begin?

I can't.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003


Watch the movie.
It's good, in a twisted pomo way.

The point doesn't lie in the surface, but the context.

maybe, Just maybe i'd live better if I kept my feet on solid ground rather than in my mouth.


One who would scream "shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!" In the middle of a silent study area before leaping on the table to rip of his clothes,

I'd say it was $20 well spent.

Monday, December 15, 2003

In the name of Love

One man come in the name of Love
One man come and go

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love.
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but not have love,
I am nothing

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flame, but have not love,
I gain nothing

One man come, he to justify
One man to over-throw.
~U2 Pride, 1 Corinthians 13

It's not about how much you know, or how right one is.
Sure it's important to get the facts right, but if you can't handle the person in love, then nothing's accomplished.
Sure it's important to speak for the truth, but if you can't package your argument in love, then it's pointless.

So sometimes in winning an argument,
By straightening the ideology,
By uncovering flaws, shortcomings, misconceptions and lack of understanding,
By proving your point,
You move in the opposite direction into pointlessness, push the person away bit by bit, create little walls.
All for the sake of a sense of personal accomplishment.

It's always about the people. the heart. the human.
Not about you and your pride,
Or how right and truth-seeking you are.
But about the people.

I have to learn to move in love and not in pride
For God shares his glory with no man.

What more in the name of Love?

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Sing sing sing

"or the life that you bring won't mean a thing"'s a gift... a god-given talent...

and I've lost it all.

"We will definately miss your voice."
I miss it too.

When quietness gives way to silence...
... and peace to nothingness...
... and clam to stagnation...

that's the beginning of ceasation and the birth of inexistance.
... the end of being and the death of essence.

That's not quiet what it's meant to be, and the danger of it all is that the line between these concepts are almost invisible. But the difference between them is polaric.

For the Love of God.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Just to spite you

I'd do it again.

I won't do it.

Maybe I might.

Maybe I won't.

Just... perhaps?

Or maybe we should just be here.

Like this...

Like that...

Like what?

You don't know?

cos you're not cool.


I am currently the president of the United Bimbo's Club.
We're looking for more presidents to be pink, fluffy and soft.


Bad thoughts of the day.

What's green, long and smells of pork?
~ james

Go figure

alright i'm going to get naked and wet myself then meet adrian

You could've just said that you were going to shower... before going to A's room to watch a movie.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

An insight on the minds of the people I live with and love.

Them trying to talk to me on MSN when i'm away

adrian - habis... says:

adrian - habis... says:
wicky wicky wah

adrian - habis... says:
wicky wicky wah

adrian - habis... says:
wah wah west

adrian - habis... says:
jim west

adrian - habis... says:

adrian - habis... says:
something something something

adrian - habis... says:
wah wah west

adrian - habis... says:

... So that's one... here's another.

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:
*smooch smooch* you know that thing they do in Singapore (the thing guys do to get a girls attention)

Dave says:

Dave says:
are you there (isn't that such a stupid question... i mean of you are there if you answer and if you don't of course you are not there)

Dave says:
pick up pick pick up

Dave says:

Dave says:

Dave says:
k ah.... i go ah... leave you alone ah

Dave says:
hah (that singaporean haaah)

Dave says:
what's that thing you are holding

Dave says:
are you seeing how long i can talk to myself

Dave says:
because i can go on and on and on

Dave says:
i'm not kidding

Dave says:
if i was kidding, i would say "knock knock..."

Dave says:
you would say who's there

Dave says:
I would say "banana"

Dave says:
ok but seriously

Dave says:
Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank... like a rock!

Dave says:
wanna hear the worst joke in the world (say nothing if yes)

Dave says:
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.

Dave says:
ok ok

Dave says:
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

Dave says:
God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

Dave says:

Dave says:
this one is pretty good

Dave says:
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake w
Dave says:
what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

Dave says:
butt, the t is silent but deadly

Dave says:
alright... i'm getting bored of talking to myself

Dave says:
you win

Dave says:
hey, time to eat

Dave says:
eat eat eat

Amazing eh? Here's another one. in a picture.

"To blow out your birthday candles, you must blow though this bamboo pole."

Ha. Darn thing wasn't hollow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I am in severe need of sunshine, cotton tank tops, miniscule shorts, flip flops and active participation in society.


Tuesday, December 09, 2003

It was as if I had died.
And I'm sure a little bit of me did.
I really miss home, and everyone there
But at the same time I can feel great things happening beneath the surface.
I'll get there.
Fueled by me

Had a bad day again
You would not understand
I'll leave a note and say I'm sorry
I Had a bad day again

I spilled my coffee, broke my shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on my face
Slam the door and say I'm sorry
I Had a bad day again

I swear there's nothing wrong
I'll be playing that same old song
Feel put off and then put on

Monday, December 08, 2003

I guess Sadako changed her mind.
Just as well.

I have my own demons to tackle, and my inner-clown.
And acutally Josh, I still gripe about all that.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Today's THE DAY!

We'll see boys... we'll see.

Uh huh

That's all there is nowadays.
Not that it bothers me to the point of incapacitation but...

I seriously wasn't expecting this.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I wanna be...


It sucks being so far away when you sense a need back home.
But at the same time, being far away brings the need right up to your face...
... and sometimes makes you more effective.

It's amazing, once again how God decides to orchastrate life.

And babe, please take care of yourself.
I see myself in you.
You've grown and it sucks missing all that.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Sadako left another message on the for me this evening while I was one the phone.
She possessed Adrian to write this in pencil thank god, on the wall of my study cubical.

3 more days

Alright kiddos... bring it on.

Thursday, December 04, 2003


Theres really nothing here no one at all everything just slips and slides and flows around in one coagulated mass and there is really nothing to be done except to try to keep yourself from falling of course this almost never works

At all

I hate tripping over my own feet.

Ours is a high and lonely destiny
C.S. Lewis ~ The Magician's Nephew

Wednesday, December 03, 2003


And this was perhaps as close as it got, aside from cheerleading maybe.
But it's not over yet, not for what all this has to offer.

I'll see you in a bit.
Stay beautiful.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Things I learnt today:

1. That pride, when it shows, is ugly to both the self and society.

2. That my friends do retarded things to me when I'm not around:

6 Days would mean saturday. I think I can afford to lock myself in my room all day that day.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Soulitude is beautiful. But she needs someone to tell her that this is so.

I'm not used to the differences in priority.
I'm not used to the differences in power.
I'm not used to the differences in personalities and people
I'm not used to the differences in placing and places.

A little tossed, tipped, tackled.
Feeling for a frown, a line, a wrinkle

Sitting absolutely still for silence.
A silence that settles with strange becomings.

Moving round in circles to redefine the moment...
...Over and over again, like broken record.
And never really resting for the constant assult of perceptions.

To flow to push to force to release to strangle...
... a low resigned moan

Help me in my weakness...

"We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express"
Romans 8:26

Yes, I love the smell of sunlight.

Too bad it's just an illusion.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Lull me to dream

Always and forever
We'll be free...
Always and forever
You and me...

We'll love aplenty
We'll have joys outnumbered
We'll share perfect moments
You and me...

Lullaby ~ Lamb.

I'm just floating around here moving, and being moved by nothing.

Friday, November 28, 2003

I'm burning out.

. . .

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?~ Edward Albee

I am george... I am.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Love comes in many shapes and sizes.
In a bottle of Kwan Loong medicated oil, a photo, a poke or tickle.
A word, a smile, a gesture.
Getting hot chocolate, boiling water, sharing mp3s
A message, a joke, a tease,
Editing an essay, Foosball and pool, talking till 2 am...

The question is, where's the love being directed to?
Others or yourself?

Thank you God.

And yes, I do miss you, now that I'm out here searching for myself.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

It's the last week for term. I've got an essay on Rousseau to tackle.
I can't get started.
I'm in an academic limbo.

Standing still wile the world sails by.
The Arts One Lecture clock. always at 10:10

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

You know I'm bound...
For freedom

You were right about this being a worship song.

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness my admiration
For everything you've done you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound
I'm bound to thank you for it

I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
The love, the tenderness, I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love
And the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude
My love, and my respect for you,
I want to thank you

Kind and Generous ~ Natalie Merchant

Being away isn't as bad as they make it out to be. It's not like I've undergone some drastic change that marrs me beyond recognition. I think if anything, this has solidified me, put me together. It's funny cos on the outside I think I'm falling apart but what's happening inside is so amazing.

And it's not like I've forgotten myself, or the people back home. I'm not there experiencing your life with you step by step. But i'm still Hannah and you're still you. Kapish.

I'll be home soon. With something new and something old.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Daniel came for a visit. wow.
You learn something new everyday.

Bleed me dry

Again and again and again.
When will I learn?

Shu says I shouldn't bash myself up too much. yeah i guess so. I'm only human as well.

I think though, that I'm my own little delusioned way, I am pretty much self-absorbed myself. We all are. We just don't see beyond ourselves to reality.

Sensitivty is bad for your health.
It makes you so ineffective.

.. and is that all you can do? all that you can say for yourself?

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Remind me never to touch alcohol again.
Thanks JB and Adrian for braving the cold to help us back.
Thank you God that there was no one at the party.

Of Foosh and Fun

You nailed it tHi.
And I love you all.

Too much I think, and with too much of my inner clown.

"Look deep inside and find your inner clown: your through-line in life, your motivation in living..."

Friday, November 21, 2003

And the cow jumped over the moon
You ought to be a bard sometimes I think,
An engineer of words.

Run run as fast as you can...
You won't believe me, I caught the JingerBread man!

And David took 5 stones
And killed Goliath with one, and no Adrian,
Goliath wasn't his father...

And I'm a happy soul tonight...

Just that sometimes I think I'm a disordered soul. Not that I'm ruled solely by appetite or spirit. I think within me all Reason, Spirit and Appetitie take turns, morphing without me knowing.

I fear though, that spirit will be my undoing

Wound 39~ Mark ryden

Thursday, November 20, 2003


Cow: " I have the mind of a philosopher, the ambition of an engineer, and the will of a fighter."
Me: "the heart of....?"


Know thyself

ironic how it takes an oracle in the neither regions of Delphi to tell you what's innately personal.
Then again, subjectivity has always been a problem.
But since we're talking constructed realities here I guess the only person who really matters is... you.
And everyone who encompasses you.

I've never really dared give myself a full-fledged analysis of who I think I am.
I'm a sucker for the solid unchanging truths and personal perceptions of the self don't really fall under that category.
I think I can only look forward to what I endeavor to have:

The Mind of a Philosopher.
The Will of a Fighter.
The Soul of a Child

With the Heart of God.

And that's where I've found my reality.

Don't mess with the Cow!!!

That's what i'd like to be.

Though i know that sometimes I forget that everyone is as falliable as I am.
Even if I don't forget, I just don't remember.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Here I am
Will you send me an angel?
~ Scorpions

I don't need any more angels.
They're all here.

Stay tuned for 10 things I love about you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I read the blogs linked to mine
And remember, they're on public domain. Every action results in a consequence, even if it wasn't intended that way.

But for some, they move more then I'd like them to.

Oh well....

Adia I do believe I've failed you,
Adia I know i've let you down.
Don't you know I've tried so hard to love you in my way?
It's easy letting go...

I don't know who I'm talking to when I post this,
God or men.

But it is easy to let go, to just say to hell with it all and **** you.
But living in God means that there are just some decisions that you don't make,
That when you hand your heart and your soul and your mind to another entitiy all together, dammit, it gets tough.

God is love.
And I can't help that.

I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong,
There's no one left to finger
There's no one left to blame,
There's no one left to talk to honey
And there ain't no one to buy our innocence...

I'd like to say it's humanity. That it isn't anyone's fault. That's just the way we are.
But rather then just leave all to that,
It means that there's a hell lot more work to do.

Aida I thought that we could make it.
I try to find the strength to carry on.
Leave you to your misery,
A friend who won't betray
I'll pull you from your tower
I'll take away the pain.

I wish I could, but I'd have to deal with myself first.
I'm human too,
I know but I don't understand.
And trust me, that's frustrating.

Show you all the beauty you possess,
If you'd only... believe

Sometimes really a lot of things, not just god and stuff, really just boils down to faith.
That's the answer for humanity today.

Monday, November 17, 2003

3D reality

Blogs are selfish enterprises,
Little useless things in the face of a solipsistic world.
Who gives a damn?

But when they do, I think they do a great deal.
They give flesh to a face, to a name...
They show the backend of the network.

My life is here on this screen.
Read it, ignore it, glance through it, bypass it...
Decipher it.
Good luck.

To lay it down
Is to do more then I expect of myself.
Sometimes i want to scream that I'm human too, with my preferences and inclinations.
Sometimes I want to scream that there's only one of me and more then one of you.
Sometimes I want to scream, tell them to back off, stand up and find it.

But for the most part, I just want security.
And I hate the need in me.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Cos I'm nobody elses but yours

It's every day
I'm in this place
I feel this way
I feel the same

Lucid... dreamlike and unreal. But i've never been so real before.
Did I not say that being a christian is a perhaps the biggest contradiction i've ever encountered?
It's the hardest thing to be, and the easiest.
The most costly and perfectly free.

Talk about polaric and all encompassing.

So many days within this ways
I need the truth
I need some grace
I need the path
To find my place

I need some truth
I need some grace
The part of you
That's part of me
We'll never die
We'll never leave

And it's nobody else's but mine

That's how I find solitude so beautiful I guess. That in solitude, I'm not really alone, and that when I'm in society, I'm seriously alive.

it's scary though what i've taken on sometimes. What if I stumble? Let's not think about that.

Breathe your name ~ Six pence none the richer.

Thank you Shu, for letting God be so powerful in you.

Is it all inside my head?

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Me:I want to go home...

Dennis: well, you are home.

Tell me again? Tell me everything that I know and anticipate.
Or you could just be silent and live it out over the next 60 years or so.

Riddler on the Roof

Do you love me?

For who I am or what I do?
For convience?
In desperation?
In fear?

How much of me matters in the equation?
How much of you?
How much of him?

Do the answers matter?
Should they change the way I live?

It all boils down to how much of me is you and how much of me is Him.

Girl~ Kerry Roper

It's friday night and I'm alone in my residence.
It's wonderfully beautiful, gentle and cold.

Solitude is beautiful, but you need someone to tell you that it's beautiful.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Words of wisdom

Looks are temporary but fat is permanent.

I say thi... you do have some uh... insight tucked away somewhere.
You don't bring me flowers anymore.

But I would've seen that coming a mile away. And it's alright...

I'm trying very hard to be self-concious and aware.
It's just binding sometimes to know where you've gone wrong, and yet be powerless to do anything about it.
What's the point of knowing if you can't do anything about it?
The least I can do is to be honest with myself and to create a sense of truism in the way I handle me.
So at least I know when i'm compromising, when I'm falsifying, when I'm denying and darkening.

And it's annoying that none of this is physical.

I'm waiting for christmas. when i can reculse for a day or two.

My currency is still my love

Tuesday, November 11, 2003


Everytime I think I got it made, that I can slowly settle in and relax I am presented by greater challenges.
External and internal.

External challenges are fine. refreshing almost. It's like a puzzle where you find the pieces that fit or find missing clues. At the end of the day, you remove yourself from the situation and feel all secure and unshakable. You can sit on your bed with a bible and praise God, or muse with a close friend over milo or coke.

Now internal challenges, they become problems. They are inexplicably linked with WHO you are and weigh around your neck like an anvil. You can't get through the day without dragging yourself. The state of mind you seem to conform too has depressed overtones. The end of the day feels like smack down, and you're still in the rink. You can't see beyond yourself and reclusion becomes almost unbearable.

On retrospect. Maybe I got it all wrong myself. Maybe there shouldn't be a distinction between the internal and external. That I am to a certain extent expected to internalize the external. I can't go around living my life apart from others. I have to be involved internally. Be with them.

"It's all about the people."

But sometimes, I think I change it to "it's all about me"
Don't you see? I'm solipsistic. Everything I do for you springs from a selfish motive.

"I desperately want it all"
I think we've found the root of our problems.
I forget how despensible and yet indespensible I am.
I forget that I cannot claim anything as my own doing, and yet forget the amount of effort required to make things work.

Sometimes, I think God's work is fused with who you are.
That's so beautiful...
... and scary

You are Psalms
You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is what I am but it's not ME.

Go figure.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Strange blessings.

I seriously don't know how to express what happens every weekend.

One person short of an offical party. Guys drunk on anything BUT alcohol (mostly on each other).
Some having the mental age of 3 year olds.

How can you not love them?
That's why I hang out with Guys...

But strangely, somewhere at some corner of my being, there is this little girl, hopping from one foot to the other, clutching her elbows whimpering... just please don't stop loving me.

Gap Kids ~ XL 10years old

"you make people around you feel better"

This is drastic change isn't it? from being queen mother bitch of the western skies.
It's amazing what God does. I can only boast in the Holy Spirit.

I've found my place, I've found my ministry, I've found my center, I've found my thru-line.

To honestly love, with all my being, everyone... everywhere.

The challenge is keeping it.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

where conversation is worse than Titanic

So the matrix revolutions was one hell of a disappointment.
But tonight was pretty pivotal in so many ways.

It was hell organising a 11-person outing to the movies when everyone has differing timetables, different friends and budgets. It doesn't help that the cinema doesn't have pre-seating services, isn't in a convienient location and doesn't have sweet popcorn. Oh well.

But I must say it was worth it. And everything I see is way beyond me.

Momento Mori
Don't overrate yourself. It really isn't you

With great love comes great hate. The capacity to touch and to feel is but a tool and how it is used depends very much on the individual.

I can only pray that I first find favour in the eyes of God. Only then will I be a blessing which is, in turn, the greatest blessing one can have.

Nudge from the Big Guy
Never been this way before eh? Look at them, you're meant to love them all. And not by yourself...

And I do, I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. And I really want that to keep getting deeper.

Friday, November 07, 2003

On my own

I know I can sing. I just wish I didn't stop practising for 2 months. Now i fear opening my mouth. So much for the audition. It's funny because if anything, my acting was my saving grace. Acting, something that I was afraid to do back in TSD (despite faulkner's "what is she doing in make-up?!") I've unlearnt everything really and it just seemed to flow. It reminds me that ultimately, everything is internal, within and singularly yours.

I love Hobbes for this.

To merge my theatre with thier culture.
To make their culture mine.
To do their theatre.
To make their theatre mine.
To be me.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I want what's yours
And I'd give anything...

For all the boys on the radio.

Alright maybe not... But i'd like to feel that way too.

Crashing and burning isn't exactly my idea of a good healthy self. I think I'm still on the way.
I hope so.

In your endless summer night
I'll be on the other side
When the water is too deep
I will ease your suffering
When the glitter fades in morning
Turn away and you will find my empty eyes
Your beauty blinds

I know that you're rotten to the core...

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time...


I'm cold. It's 0 degrees outside.
This is madness, It's freezing here while it's 7 degrees in Toronto.

Apparently vancouver is the most erratic places on earth when it comes to the weather.
Winter last year was warmer then fall this year...

Sometimes walking to the caf is too much. I start conciously searching for the 'esc' button to press to end my misery.
Even typing on my computer is hampered by the cold. My fingers go numb.
I can't get out of bed in the morning, I can't turn off the shower when I bathe...

All you people in Singapore, be warm for me...

And God saw that it was good...
Me too.

Realised that I have an attraction to strong slimcut males with an air of self-confidence, grace, and a hint of controlled arrogence.

Oh but trust me... it's more than that.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

A typical Adrian conversation

Us: How do you know?

Adrain: [proudly] Because I am a science student!

[pregnant pause]

Us: Um... that has nothing to do with science... besides, you're an engineer.

You say you're starting to enjoy life in Canada eh? I'm in love.
But it's funny how we're all like family and yet, we don't go too deep or too raw.

It's a constant contention between the sense of familiarity and the strange.

So what happens now?

All relationships are built on necessity
~ One of Hannah's firm filosophies.

But perhaps... just maybe, this necessity should entail an element of personal choice and desire?

necessity and choice: gravity and ingenuity
Something from Josh

"to be prayerless is to be guilty of the worst form of practical atheism. We are saying that we believe in God but we can do without him. "

Dear God, Please let me find my watch.

Yes mummy, I'm sorry, I lost that one too.
I'm so upset I could kill myself.


Sunday, November 02, 2003

Day by day

See what happens? I let up reading the bible and praying for a couple of days and I start slipping.
Misery starts seeping in and I find myself failing and desperately scratching around for something to hold on to and I know full well that it's all so darn useless and pathetic.

You're way too dependent on God, you're pretty useless as an individual without him.
Generalized other to me.

Then again, that's the point. More of God less of Me.
So I've become a weak and incapable individual that's overly dependent on my concept of God.

How much of that matters really? Really really matters?

To the rest of the world that sees me,
I'm effective, joyful and whole, perhaps stronger then ever and more human.
More joy, peace and patience.
With gifts aplenty.

So does it matter that I'm nothing without God?

Does it really really matter in the face of life?

being real...


BTW, josh and I are starting a group of what we've affectionately dubbed BBs (bible buddies).
We aim to encourage each other to plow through the Bible in one year. the whole thing.

maybe not just as a text but as the living breathing word of God.

Any shouts of interest?

Saturday, November 01, 2003

God's always teaching me that there's more to the world then myself.
That I have to share.
That I cannot give so selfishly, selectively.
That I do not own what I have.
That I am not self-made

That it's all about you Jesus.

It's one hell of a struggle.

Shout it out
But for the record darlings. I'm a-okay.
Never been happier or more in tune.
Just... slap me once in a while, when pride gets in the way

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me

Do you think that it got up and left
for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

Mean to me ~ Tonic

Been there, done that... but ashamedly I don't harbour the patience to tolerate that in others. The selfish uppity side of me expects instant understanding and comprehension. I forget I guess that some things come wiht experience. I took 2 years God dammit.

I was a major pain in the rear end.
Now tables turned, may I display the patience and love that was displayed to me 2 year ago.

I will be mean, I will drag you down in hopes that you'll listen good and drop the neediness.

the greatest act of love I've done for you is to tell you all this.
Me to "the generalized other." (yes my imagination is back, but with a new name thanks to Mead.)

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be From home

Mean to me~ Tonic

if you ever want to walk anywhere, get on your feet first, no matter how painful.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Dum di dum di dum.
Who am I?

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Passion: It's all about the people.

Prayer: That I would touch the expression, the lion and the leaves in an irreversible way.

Shaken. I have just left Sociology 100 after a video screening.

Title: Stopping Traffik: The war against the war on drugs.

I realise that for all the open-mindedness that I have prided myself in being, I am essentially ethnocentric. I cannot seem to understand that MY way of doing things is NOT the right way.

The video presented an elite section of society who, surprise surprise, is trying to reduce the harm caused by drugs as well as the harm caused by the war on drugs. They do so by legalizing it, shifting focus from it being a 'crime' to it being a 'medical condition'. The fact that this group comprises of wealthy businessmen and prominent individuals from the police force make it a formidable influence to be reckoned with.

So I sat there, watching with horror as they interviewed a drug addict who is now being prescribed heroine on a daily basis. It keeps him off the streets, he no longer faces arrest, he no long steals he practically lives a normal healthy life.

"I used to smoke cannibis, nicotine... kids stuff, but there was always this void within me, something missing and heroine has filled that. I have more confidence, more life and it gives me an up and go... "

Horrified. And the accuser in me states "You need God you Dumbass. I don't see why society has to conform to YOUR bad habits when you refused to abide by its standards."

Coming from a country that hangs you for possessing 15g of heroine, I sat there pretty much self-righteous thinking "I'm in favour of hanging them. get them off the streets, forget about wasting the countries money in reforms and prisons. "

This was all going well until... "We do not wage war against our people. That's what they are, our people."

So what's this all about? Love the sinner in his sin.
It all boils down to love.

I need that.

a hell lot of that.

What's that again?

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Ripped off my lecture notes for Arts One

I am going crazy. I am so excited and awed by life. Everything I gain, learn, see and understand heightens or confirms my understanding of humanity. It never contradicts me.

it takes God's love and grace to restore the true meaning of academia.

what distinguishes a christian from non-christians is LOVE.

It's always about the people.
There is nothing without love. nothing

It's art really to sit down in any class and see the beauty life and how it all boils down to God perfectly.
Though the application is a lot harder then expected, I don't intend to run on human zeal alone.

Crush me.

It's crazy I'm thinking
Just as long as you're around
And here I'll be dancing on the ground
Am I right side up or upside down
To each other we'll be facing
By love we'll beat back the pain we've found
You know
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside
My friend
With each moment the more I love you
Crush me
Come on
So much you have given love
That I would give you back again and again
Meaning I'll hold you
And please let me always
Tickle me pinky

I don't know where to start. Maybe by saying that I had a fantastic day yesterday is a good start.

So we start off at 7 am, getting ready for church ~ At least I did, Shu forgot all about Daylight savings and came running down at 6.56 proclaiming that it was 8.
ah well, where would we be without a sense of humour?

So we bus to church

at church

Kelvin and Daniel, expounding with Godly love.

How's that for starters? still thanking God for this church and more importantly, for His presence in their lives.


Shopping with Thi and Adrian was preeety eventful, hell I think being in the same room as the two of them is tantamout to an adventure.

Taking a slight snooze...

Only Adrian

Anticipation of Metrotown

There they go just a-walking down the streets...

Singing do wa didididi dum didi do...

Snapping their fingers and shuffling to the beat.

Singing do wa didididi dum didi do...

Checkout Superstore:

Adrian devouring a choco bar BEFORE paying for it.

Dinner at RR


It's the malaysian style!

Adrian being himself... you don't want to know the story morning glory...

Back home, Thi and Adrian get into a fight, being male... Adrian lands on my jumbo box of feminine paper and starts flinging a liner or two and Thiyachai.

Fairview anyone?

What can I say?
So blessed, I can't believe it.