There's a fine line between faith and irresponsibility. But things like my heart and thoughts are slippery fish that just won't keep in my grasp. So they slip up and up and out and on which side of the line they fall on, I can never tell!

It did dawn on me today, however, that what I do need is conviction. Mel once asked me where my integrity was, not in the sense that I was a bad unscrupulous person, but that I don't quite keep together. I'm still trying to figure out if this is something that I need to counter, or simply use to my advantage. I'm thinking I need a little of both. 

But what this all leads to, is the need for a little space and time to breathe and slow down. 

Damn you, uterus, you are water to my emotional gremlin.

Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward 

by Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000)

Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.

Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along.

---------------------------------------------------

Alright, moving right along now, into 2010! It is going to be bright!

I wonder if this is true of myself: That while I am very capable and effective in whatever situation I find myself in, I do not have much of an impetus to move into a new situation on my own accord. So while I no problem effectively using the tools around me, and to help shape contexts and create new things, I need someone or something to bring me to a place where I can be most effective. I just won't walk there on my own accord.

Perhaps this is part of my water personality, that I take the shape of the bowl that contains me, and that I need a channel for direction and purpose. In other words, I need to choose my bowl and channel wisely.

So UBC didn't give me what I wanted in the end. But a good explanation and clarity (as well rearranging my time table) gave me great peace.

Is this growth?

The last of Jerkface 

While IL was sipping his cup of ginger tea and espousing on learning inner strength and security, it dawned on me what my problem really was: That a part of me still seeks to win JF's approval and love. Something that never did, and can never happen. Thus every rejection, disappointment, or sign of disapproval is, in my mind, an extension of the horrible state of things that existed in early 2009.

Now, in perspective, the 5 months are but a blimp in my lifetime and hence should not have that much of an impact on my life. However, I think it is more of the failed expectations, the wasted energy and emotion and the sense of incompleteness that have left it's mark on my dealing with relationships. 

I think what is so damaging about translating every negative vibe today into yesterday's negativity is the nature of JF's rejection and disapproval: It was complete, concrete and insurmountable. It was a rejection that was unqualified, uncompromising and refused all negotiation. In other words, it left me trapped, helpless and powerless. Now to see every subsequent negative vibe/rejection in a similar light, or as coming from the same source, is to see every such rejection as final and damning. And this is not true. It is unfair to the relationships that I have developed, it is unfair to the people who love me and whom I love. It creates disproportional reactions within me and stunts my ability to engage in healthy discussion and relationships.

Nonetheless, it was incredibly refreshing to be able to put a name on my insecurities and to understand how and why they come about. This isn't about being angry anymore, or about seeking revenge or anything of that petty sort. It's about being strong and about being happy and about making sure that what happens is for the best, because it is. I mean it when I say that I am no longer angry and that forgiveness is final, and really, all that's left is allowing all this to fade away into nothingness by the process of displacement. I am just glad that I now have a clearer picture of what actually needs to be displaced.

IL is right, it takes strength to be happy. And I always did believe that JF was never a bad man, or a monster, he was just incredibly brilliant and weak. Finally, I am learning that it's not so much that I never had him and his approval or love, but that it's that he doesn't have mine. After all, I am only responsible for, and can really only live out, my single story.

I am so excited about the future!

Dear Ivan,

You have been an unmeasurable source of strength, inspiration and truth. Your kind words spring forth from a space of great power, and indeed it is only a matter of time before greatness is yours and you grace the cover of Time, FT, Forbes and the likes. Thank you for sharing, and allowing me to share, for being the medium of great epiphanies and conclusions, and for affirming my worth. Most heartening, is seeing your passion for God and for goodness lived out, in difficult circumstances. You are right, it take strength to be happy.

Happy birthday!

Hannah

I looked at myself in the mirror today, and decided that I really like the way I look.

Just. As. I. Am.