Saturday, April 10, 2004


I wish could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to...

... me?

Not much, if it isn't realized. There's a huge difference between my personal and social Identity. One has more priority, another has more power.

Look into the mirror, who's inside there?
The one with the long hair.
Same old me again today

It isn't the object of beauty that's changed, it's the definition of beauty. Now see, if we unravel the language, maybe we can break free from all this.

But if you can't look inside you
Find out, who am I to
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty
I'll make you feel unpretty too

It's all inside out.
It's all about awareness.
Reaching out beyond yourself.
Finding the means to understand.
Finding the strength and desire to love.

To be One.

At the end of the day
I have myself to blame

Darn right...

Friday, April 09, 2004

Particle Me

I, all 5 feet of me, stand before a towering insurmountable problem : The chasm between our cultures. I stand being utterly inconsequential to the system here, being walked into, seen past, like a ghost. Do you see me? And from there a whole host of other externalities are created. A lack of confidence, insecurity and fear. And it snowballs.

Then it comes again today subtly
"Everywhere." I will write my address in pencil. No attachment, no need. Wherever I am called.
And it really shouldn't matter really, whether or not I am valued here as I was there. It's Marx, if i don't have, i'm not needed. i can't work the system the way i would like to as of yet. It's like me in winter clothes. 15 years of tanks tops and shorts render me paralysed in a winter jacket. Give me time, and I'll give you ease. I'll give you a competancy that's unexpected. I'll even add to that with what I had prior to this. I'll live.

And besides, I'm not asking for the gap between here and there to disappear. We're different and that's so beautiful. Nation from nation, culture from culture, individual from individual. It's really about awareness and then, love and understanding. A bridge.

Under the Father, the infinite, the One, there can be no room for inadequacies.
Everthing is made perfect, and beautiful.

Which brings me to another issue.
God's demanding more from me. The next level to our relationship. He's screaming at me day and night. Pray. I've met the God of Isreal. He's bigger then I thought He was. Hell, he's bigger then I can think.

The Beetles obviously didn't do their homework.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Today was the last day of Sociology 100 and Geog 103.
People leaving people lost. Just when I started becoming comfortable.

3 months ago I realised that it was alright to go out.

"Sarah I'm normal now! You're a normal friend"

"What? was I abnormal before this?"

Pretty much so

It's all coming to a close now. And I don't know what's beyond this.

Where will you be?

we are all so beautiful.
Don't forget yah?

Wednesday, April 07, 2004


I was just thinking about the fluidity of relationships. How people are naturally drawn to each other by that intrigue of the mysterious, the new frontier. So conversation flows around everything and lives are shared and things are done. But then there reaches this level of self-comfort and then adjustments to the relationships are made. Some aren't needed, some aren't worthy to be persued, some are forgotten. We're guilty of all that. I'm just annoyed when there's an element of dishonesty involved.

I remember 5 year ago, when I was 15. I developed a maddening crush on a particular young chum. He was essentially perfect. Everything anyone could ask for (you name it he had it). It took me a good year to get over him, but only after he had gotten over me first and started being... different.

I had fallen in love with a total illusion. That was the bite, that he didn't exist.

I realise that the only thing I can do is to find myself and to be myself. Be myself to everyone, be honest and love them without developing a dependency on them. That's the only decent thing I can do to the people around me. Have faith in their humanity and in mine. And that way, I don't have to fear illusions, they don't affect who I am. But I can keep loving.

Thank you God.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Yeah totally. I'm Bi-polar.

Meet me 3 years back, I'll show you someone else.
I wonder if she's in today.

Monday, April 05, 2004

"I'm sitting on the dock of the bay..."

The sun makes me lazy. It's like walking though water, slow and thick.

...wasting time.

.Don't get me wrong.

christianity isn't a religion. It's a relationship.
Jesus didn't come to colonize, he came to restore that relationship.
Heaven isn't a place. It's the outcome of the relationship.

It's all about you, me and He.

I left my home in georgia...

I'm working on my cravings.
I still don't get why I'm so needy

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Why? Why do I need you so?
I had a good breakfast
Chatted with a friend
Rolled around on the grass,
Spoke to God.
Read my book.
I went shopping at the Bookstore.
Bought 2 shirts, a key chain (strap).
Listened to Toxic over and over again.

new found freedom in who I am.

Intoxicate me now...