Saturday, February 03, 2007

give Belmont some respect, eh?
~ Dustin, after I tell him that Thi rocks and that I'd date him if he were christian. *pout*

Respect. Something not easily earned from me. I can like someone, I can be in awe of their social standing and capabilites. And I can be open with them. But to respect calls something more, something deeper in terms of the soul. (I think, or I might just be waffly here)

So I'm always gently skirting the edges of relationship (all of them) looking for reasons to respect or disrespect.

I have learnt to give people the expected respect they deserve as friends, teachers, leaders and yes, boyfriends. It wasn't something that came naturally to me, I am not one to adhere too accurately to social expectations. I live very much introspectively, by my own rules and reality that I construct in my mid. But I am learning.

And to Belmont, inspite of my short attention span and an eager need to be entertain, I give him the respect he deserves as my boyfriend. It sits awkwardly away from it's usual pedastal that is named Dennis. But then again, it didn't really exist too well up there. It really isn't too difficult.

To make mere mortals looks bad
~ Belmont, before we were dating, to me asking what the reason for my being on earth was.

Friday, February 02, 2007

2 days ago, I was reading the Cost of Discipleship and was convicted to let Dennis go. It seemed that the entire week was leading up to this moment. My least emotional heave, Sarah and Jasmine and finally, Mr Anonymous commentor.

I am convicned that I need to let Dennis go not becuase I should, or I need to, or it's good, or for Belmont's sake. But because it's the obedient thing to do.

'Give something up' - A job meant to be completed in an hour, took me 2 and a half years.

God knows how I function, and speaks to me thus. I am absurd, and he has done the absurd in my life.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

At choir today I was hit with the sudden terror that this might be the last season in which I can sing with such a dedicated group, with such an outstanding choir director. I love singing with people who have a mind for excellence. I almost don't want to go back to Singapore just for this.

And I'm very scared at the thought that after this summer, I might never see Frank and Jane again.

And sitting with Dustin and Curt for our usual meetings, I watched Curtis do his usual hand-dance while explaining his orientation in life via analogy. "Wow will you two stop talking in code?" Dustin explodes after a while. I cannot believe that this will all be over in a few months. I may not hear long-winded anologies in a long time, watch Dustin shake his head in disagreement while I flirt with the middle ground.

Monique is cool.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Honor and Grace

What irony! If there needs to be any witness to the gentleness, wisdom and humor of God it lies here.

"as much as it hurts and he still causes you pain, know that the 7 years you spent with him have impacted him, will always impact him. and he will probably always see you as his best friend (he did when i was with him). it sucks that he takes all this casually; he does that. he did that for me too. and he probably will always do that.

you probably know him better than anyone else in the world, and you alone have the honour of being called his best friend. and he doesn't deserve to have the honour that you've given him, to keep somehow loving him all this time.

just a quick question, but is he still the same? a friend of mine bumped into him recently and said that she feels he has changed. maybe the dennis you loved and the dennis right now are not the same person, but i wldnt know, havent spoken to him in a while.

i don't really know what i hope to... achieve? with this comment. but... i just hope that you'll get over the pain that he's caused you completely, maybe not now but.. some day. because i don't think you deserve it, and he does not have the right to keep causing you so much pain. you deserve so much more, and i don't even know you. but if you're doc's princess, that means you're special. and someone that special deserves so much more.

here's wishing you and belmont all the best =) hope this wasn't too weird for you to read.... take care and God bless."

Posted by: Sarah

"Just wanted to say that i agree with what Sarah says in her first 2 paras. He told you that he still has feelings for you, even after everything. I just have this feeling that in the end, he'll probably end up proposing to you.

And yes, he's still very casual about things, and he just doesn't seem to be able to grasp the entend of what we feel as females, nor know how to make us feel better. Mr. All facts and nothing else. But he doesn't make any promises anymore, unless to God.

I think you're a wonderful person, and it would have been great to be friends with you. A bit tough with these awkward circumstances. We should just start an alumni for all the girls he leaves behind.

Bad guys hurt us, but good guys hurt us too. Gee. If anything, i've learnt in a very painful way, that human love never lasts, only God's love is eternal, and we must place our anchor and security in His love. Nothing can harm/hurt us then.

I'll pray for you and Sarah, for direction in our individual futures, true happiness, peace, healing, love, that God will choose a good marriage partner and guide our relationships, that our emotions won't get the better of us. (belmont's amazing for standing by you all this while)

If you guys are open to talk (or you wanna scold me or something)or the alumni thing (joking), you know where to find me on friendster. Feel free to leave prayer requests. God bless you both, and keep you safe.

Ephesians 3:20"

Posted by: Jasmine

I hope I do not breech any sense of personal privacy by posting these comments right on my blog. But I had to. Reading them filled me with a peace and wonder at the depth of grace that exists. The irony of having the most confusing hurts soothed by Sarah and Jasmine made me laugh while tears threatened. Here is the hand and heart of God, working in the metanarrative of my insignificant squeak of a story. Jasmine and Sarah, both of whom I tried hard and failed to do justice toward, both of whom Dennis spent the last years of our relationship with.

They turned and loved. I have been significantly humbled.

I sometimes see myself as the crazy and embittered ex-girlfriend, deepfried in anger and rancour. I'd reek from a mile away. I have flung myself helplessly into heaves of prayer "give me release" is all ask for.

Belmont stands by me, Thi comforted me, Mel smokes for me, Gladys sighs, Shu listens, Sue counsels, Sarah reads, Dustin hinted at beating him up. But my pain still remained out of reach. Throbbing in some nebulous corner of my existance that I didn't know existed. God is slowly working to bring it down and to dissapate it into the general atmostphere of life and living.

That's life you know. It makes no sense, it gives you no answers and has no qualms in taking the very definiton of life as you know it from right under your feet. But it leaves room for surprises and the very finite nature of our being gives rise to the need to reach out and, subsequently, to be reached.

Thank you Sarah. Thank you Jasmine. For reaching out to me in grace and for alleviating a bit of bitterness. Thank you for the honor of allowing me to see you beyond our relationships with Dennis. Thank you for reaffirming where I stood with him. It must be hard for you both to do this, and espeically Jasmine, I know your emotional stake still stands. The past seven years did not only build a love and attachment for Dennis, but it laid the very foundations of my identity, world view and paradigm.

This means a lot to me.

He might end up proposing to me one day? I would not be surprised if he did. No, I think I know him too well and it is almost foolish of me to rail against his casualness. I forget that the depth of emotion he has runs deeper then he knows how to handle. Soggy eyes. I have taken precautions against this possibility. I hope I never see him again.

But for now, I stand in awe of the grace betowed upon me by these two girls. It will henceforth be a little easier to get on with my life.

Monday, January 29, 2007

The community within which I learn to heal is bigger then I anticipated. I think I can start to be free of many things. Soon. In due time.