Saturday, January 17, 2004

I hate audtions.

It's alright to just be good at something and to simply enjoy the gifts. But when faced with the prospect of someone telling you that "you know, you aren't really that good". Then what?

Now that, I cannot face.

Only I forget that among hearts and people, there are no auditions.

Walk in.

It's like any art: in need of honesty, vulnerability and passion.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Third-Culture Kids

"So seriously, which country do you identify yourself with?"

"It depends... on who I'm talking to."

Yeah I see a little of that in me.

It's been a while

It's been 6 years, and I think that I am finally ready to have normal healthly honest friendships again. I'd like to say that I'm in control and that I totally know where I'm heading and what I'm doing, but I don't.

Sometimes, that's a good thing.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

I've been deadly sick for the past 2 days. Sicker then I've never been since I had that 40 degree temp when I was 10. And yes the very first thought, or the constant thought, on my mind in my state of delirum was "I WANT MY MUMMY". It was just miserable to be stuck in that dhingy little hole in the darkness, being unable to move, with no concept of what was going on. I just really wanted to be back in singapore, in my well circulated room with an entire family to pamper you. I just really wanted some homecooked chicken soup, carrot and potatoe soup, Water Cress soup, soft fluffy rice, porriage, black sauce salmon, steam fish, Xiao Kai Lan, Herbal Chicken Soup...

Ah well, thank God for Shu and prayer.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

But I swear in the days still left...
We will walk in fields of Gold

Painful as it is, sometimes the beauty lies in it being ephermeral.

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold"

Fields of Gold ~ Sting

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

An empty rage

I realise that there are many sensations I miss: The feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, Of having more space then just a little room, of shorts and tanktops...

"I had a dream I was your hero"
Of being needed, and sharing that.
Of just being at peace within a relationship of honesty and comfort.
It just isn't too nice not having that level of mutal trust that you used to have.

"Just open up I'm gonna come inside I wanna fill you up I wanna make you cry..."
I miss being powerful and vulnerable at the same time, all tightly wrapped up in a little ball of trust, peppered with affection, laughter, fun a pinch of disagreement, delievered with ease please.

"This monkey can't stand to see you black and blue"
Puppy or no.
Yeah I can't. Not anyone. All too beautiful.
I just really want to make it alright for people. Especially the sincere and true, which I believe entails everyone.
But really, for the conciously hurting and lonely.

"And I return as chained and bound to you"
I would do anything really. for affection.
How female.
But there's this little girl inside that just yearns for a lot, for when I was fifteen and had that little delusional relationship with a non-existant individual. But it would have been beautiful.
Today, at twenty, though I don't respond to her, she's still there, tugging at my hand, head, heart.

"Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm

I am everything

Tonight I'll be your mother
I will do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed"

The biggest promises made, the greatest strength conjured, sometimes comes from the weakest, most vulnerable of hearts.

Damn I wish I was your Lover
Sophie B hawkins

Monday, January 12, 2004

Oh yeah, one more thing while you're at your life.
Don't leave me behind.
Have faith

I love easily. But rarely am I ever swept away.
But when God decides to pick you up and slap you, you'd be crazy to resist.

Honestly, 24 hours before the retreat, i was less then eager to participate. Had I not been on the planning com i wouldn't have gone, I would've backed out on grounds of Food poisoning and hibernated.

Fear as usual. Right up to the moment before going to the gym.

"Do you wanna play?"
"heh I would play yeah, if they weren't so big. You see in singapore the guys are half the size of the guys here so I don't get trampled to death when I DO play."
"Uh... no... do you want to PRAY?"

I'd known you for less then 4 hours, and you minstered to me in God-inspired ways.
Now how crazy is that?

All the more, I understand that just because I'm asian, doesn't necessarily mean that people see me as any... less. That we were meant to be colour-blind. That true power comes from God. That it doesn't matter how well or how long you have known that person, it's who that person knows...

And Silence. Beauty. Joy.
Fear has no ground.

But at the same time, I sense weight of the ugliness of it all is crushing, horrifying and almost damning.
Thank God for grace, solace

and new mornings

Snow to walk through everytime you need to go to the washroom. Groovy

Lessons. all 36 of them

Individuals who only bathe once during the weekend, who juggle, trumpet, one-mouth-drum, double knot their laces, game, and who have the same interest for CS Lewis, Donne, and George W. Smith as you. Glam.

Well, I guess it would be nice...