I will love you, till they take my heart away.
Good times, bad endings.
Oh well, even the best fall down sometimes.
"Argh, I am so needy"
"Because you already have so much"
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I haven't updated in a while, and that's because I've been having a blast and everything has been going as planned. But then again it has all just started and who knows what is kept in store. There is much to be done and I need to learn time management (yes, even on holiday, the mundane reminders of my insufficiencies somehow find their way back into the mis-en-scene of LIFE).
But I'm never free, I think, from my vices that have been drilled incessantly into me by the efficient fingers of the system - I am kiasu, and I am afraid that I am losing out on a brighter piece of life, somewhere, somehow. Even while capering around with the family at the night safari, I just had to remind myself that this is all ephemeral, willfully shrouding myself in some sort of dark depression, as if prematurally mourning the passing of good times - now.
And then wide-eyed and watching people around me carefully craft new building blocks in their lives, I panic at the thought of my once malleable potential hardening into a fixture. I think I thrive on potential and not perfection, as if perfection to me were static and stone: unchanging and dead. But potential, is baby fresh and in prenatal bloom - you can imagine all that she might be and of course, theory always looks better then reality. Which is why I live in theory, and am very afraid of finding myself trapped within the confines of whatever reality presents. I'm afraid of discovering how small I really am, and how far short I fall from the standards. Yes, I am that insecure.
Maybe I just need to restructure my values, or take greater care to watch my slippery self (I'm SO sensitive to my surroundings), or maybe I really just ought to get gritty on myself and kick myself in to some form of a decent shape. I know no discipline, physically or mentally. And I pretty much think this will be my downfall. So here I am, on holiday - panicking.
Where was I? Oh yea, I'm having a blast.
But I'm never free, I think, from my vices that have been drilled incessantly into me by the efficient fingers of the system - I am kiasu, and I am afraid that I am losing out on a brighter piece of life, somewhere, somehow. Even while capering around with the family at the night safari, I just had to remind myself that this is all ephemeral, willfully shrouding myself in some sort of dark depression, as if prematurally mourning the passing of good times - now.
And then wide-eyed and watching people around me carefully craft new building blocks in their lives, I panic at the thought of my once malleable potential hardening into a fixture. I think I thrive on potential and not perfection, as if perfection to me were static and stone: unchanging and dead. But potential, is baby fresh and in prenatal bloom - you can imagine all that she might be and of course, theory always looks better then reality. Which is why I live in theory, and am very afraid of finding myself trapped within the confines of whatever reality presents. I'm afraid of discovering how small I really am, and how far short I fall from the standards. Yes, I am that insecure.
Maybe I just need to restructure my values, or take greater care to watch my slippery self (I'm SO sensitive to my surroundings), or maybe I really just ought to get gritty on myself and kick myself in to some form of a decent shape. I know no discipline, physically or mentally. And I pretty much think this will be my downfall. So here I am, on holiday - panicking.
Where was I? Oh yea, I'm having a blast.
