Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm about to leave for Germany in 1.5 hours.

I do resent the fact that I can up and leave to anywhere almost anytime I want. But I revel in that which spoils me rotten.
This isn't what it seems to be.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

You asked for a story.

A long long time ago, in a land far away, there lived a little girl. She was young like spring flowers and carried the colour green well. In fact, she wore a green dress everyday. She loved people, more then herself almost, and didn't know how to stop this magic love from overtaking her mind. So she lived, everyday, in the guilt of not being big enough, capable enough, or perfect enough to take away their pain.

This was a terrible fate for a tender mind, far worse for a tender heart. But don't worry, it wasn't so bad because she lived in a world where there was so too much to do, see, touch and build. So she focused on all that her little hands and mind could create, and her guilt existed merely as a thin shade of darkness. So thin, she forgot it was there.

But the consequence of forgetting is terrible. One should never forget anything, because everything in oneself has the little fingerpints of one's soul and meaning. So to forget is like losing a piece of your soul in a departmental store, amid the busy colours and crowded rush. Yes she forgot, and it made her a little lost. So sometimes she would stare into the night sky, laden with city lights and clouds and wonder. I couldn't tell you what she wondered about, because she couldn't tell me - she was lost. See, when you are lost, even the paths that your mind travels on are unclear, as if covered in a think mist.

But she was lost and that created in her, a sense of sadness that was easily ignored, but always there. But anyhoo, there was much to do.

But one day, she got on a boat. it was a big wooden boat filled with happy people. People from everywhere who wanted to go everywhere. She stepped on in her little green dress, and from the shores of that land far away, left. It wasn't an easy journey, of course the boat needed some way to keep going so everyone was made to work. But as she was small, and young like spring flowers, she was sent to work in the little hole that led into the belly of the ship. So she worked the days away, walled up in brown darkness, feeling smaller, and younger then usual, in this strange boat with strange happy people.

And as she worked through the watery days, she remembered that she was lost, and the darkness that was kept at bay by the excitement of her business broke though, and weighed on her as the brown darkness did. Little tears welled up in her bright brown eyes as she sat down in the middle of her mind's path to admit to herself that she didn't really know where she was going. "Send me a sign" she asked goodness, "a sign of your presence". I couldn't tell you what she was hoping for because she couldn't tell me. She opened her eyes and glanced around the belly of the boat - nothing. Brown was still brown and the strange happy people were still strange.

At the end of that day, she pushed her little body out of the hole and out of the belly of the ship. The evening breeze soothed her cheek and gently brushed away the brown flecks of drit that remained from below. A seagull drifted overhead. And as she turned her eye toward its graceful path, she found the presence of goodness. Upon the sea was cast a scattering of diamonds, reflecting a brightness that would burn anyone's soul. But not hers, for she was too pure. "I am goodness" said the regal star straight to her heart, "and I am with you". His face hung low to kiss the sea, spreading the golden glow deeper into her soul.

One day, the boat came to another shore. This wasn't the land far away because it was a land even further away. She walked off the boat in her little green dress with the strange happy people and held out her hands and her heart to this new land. She wasn't afraid. Even if she was, the exciting of many things to do, see, touch and build quickly crushed up all fear into a little ball and tossed it over the deck.

The land was strange indeed, very different from the land far away that she had come from. The people were darker then her, but had whiter teeth. This made their smiles stronger then the smiles she had seen from the land far away and it made her happy to feel happiness that was strong. She also noticed that the people were smaller then her and that they lived in houses that were short and tiny. But it was ok, because they didn't seem to spend a lot of time indoors. It made her happy to be outside, in the goodness of the sun, with so many people at the same time.

One day, as she was strolling in the sun staring at this strange world, a little dark boy with white teeth reached out to hold her hand. It took him a while to find the correct tongue to speak to her in, but when they understood each other, they laughed and danced until darkness fell. He invited her into his short tiny home where they watched the telly and stared at each other when their tongues failed them.

The inside of his short tiny home was very different from the outside, as the night was to day. It was dark and empty, with the only light and sound coming from the telly. This confused her greatly, as if night had fallen suddenly when the dawn had just broken. How could this be? But the most puzzling thing, wasn't what it did to her mind, but what it did to her heart.

The darkness - her darkness - awoke. Attracted to the other darkness in the short tiny home, as if it had picked up the voracious scent on a mate in heat. It reared its sad, lonely head and became known to the little girl who was young like spring flowers. But even her soft scent and gentle touch weren't enough to reign in the darkness that rose within her and, without her even knowing, she wept. She had wept on many other occasions of course, a bruised knee, a sick pet, a harsh word. But the tears she shed here were dark and heavy, and took with with them the mist that lingered over her mind's pathways.

And when she was done crying, she turned to face her darkness as a friend. "Oh, here you are." she said as she picked up part of her soul that she had lost, remembering - remembering that she not being big enough, capable enough, or perfect enough to take away the pain of the little boy who had invited her into his short tiny home.

But that was his gift to her.

And in return, she gave her little green dress to his sister, putting on instead, one of blue and gold, native to the land even further away.

And since that day, the little girl, still fresh like spring flowers, walked hand in hand with her darkness. It is good, she thinks, that she knows her guilt of not being big enough, capable enough, or perfect enough to take away anybody's pain. But at least now, she knows enough to try.

This is a true story.
Watching Jin and Jason mind frolic through the screen, and having Jarrett msn hold me and cup my ears, I am reminded of the things I love in my other home.

and JESUS!

Just to keep the J's running.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I will love you and will be here with you for as long as you remain good. You have my heart, but you do not have the rest of me, for you cannot be trusted with a mind like mine. So walk well and walk true, and let me run alongside you in love. For it is only love that I have left when you left me with no choice. It wasn't difficult decision to make to love you, because you are here in my veins.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

~New Soul :: Yael Naim

Till I leave, that is.
Morning has broken, like the smile on my face.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Maybe I'll match you in my crazy.

I actually hope I do.

Here by my side; an angel,
Here by my side; the devil.
Never turn your back on me,
Never turn your back on me, again.
Here by my side, it's heaven.

Here by my side, you are, destruction.
Here by my side, a new color to paint the world
Never turn your back on it,
Never turn your back on it, again.
Here by my side, its heaven.

And you breathe in,
And you breathe out, for it.
Ain't it so weird how it makes you a weapon.

And you give in,
And you give out, for it.
Ain't it so weird how it makes you a weapon.

This is where my world drops off.

~ Weapon :: Matthew Good