Pray.

Got heart? Got mind?

Got soul.

Give me a reason to stay here.
I've got too many to count.

Thursdays are good days. This Thursday was particularly good. I did well for my econ mid-term, had a good poli sci class, a good discussion on 'The Clash of Civilizations' with my poli sci classmate. A great talk on legalising marijuana. lunch. study. dinner with triad. prayer. giggling.

Greg.
Has MS.
Couldn't sit still throughout the talk.
Is beautiful.
Is alive.
tries hard to be understood.
Is old enough to make his own decisions.
Has a beautiful partner.
Is suffering.
Needs Pot.
Has been on pot since he was 13.
Is human.
Impacted me.
Has a point.

Legalise Marijuana. And everything else too, so says DJ. Put all the money into education instead. Let's be really liberal and allow people to make decisions for themselves. If we wanted to be really paternalistic, It would probably be a better deal of a parent to let his kids go, while equipping them with the right tools to make wise choices.
Of course this would only work in Canada. Singapore should just keep gum banned.

Pidgeons and the Crumbs
I was in North America today, in the West. Sitting on a bench outside the SUB, lunching on pepperoni pizza, Basking in the sun in 10 degree weather. Feeding pidgeons with the dispensible crust of my meal, watching students hussle by adorned with academic halos, soaking in life, with an American Liberal.

It was just like the movies. Only true.

Truth.
I will not endevour to be anything else other then truth.
I desire to project myself as I really am.
Transparent.
Honest.
True.

So we sit in the darkness of a blackout, opposing ends. Studying each other's features in the gentle precious light that slipped though the open door of the hallway. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done. People jostling around the interior dark, screaming jumping loud along the lit stairwell. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done.

So we sit in the darkness of a black out, opposing ends. Saying nothing, nothing needing to be said but insteading, knowing, sensing, feeling, drinking. Alive, organic and wild. The energy escalates to reality beyond understanding yet beyond doubt. Nothing else to do, everything being done. Alive, organic and wild.

Being in the presence of God, such that we do not need to speak but only enjoy, that is the ultimate fulfilment. Being still, knowing that He is God, and letting Him be lover of your soul. Alive organic and wild. Dancing, sharing, touching, loving. Not father and child, nor faithful lover to faithless wife, nor provider nor friend. But in that moment, lover. Nothing else to do, everything being done, by Christ on the Cross.

Overcome.

Reality is sharper, more acute, focused and intense. Life is shifting into a different perspective. Change is good.

But I will keep watching myself. There are some bits of me that I feel are important to retain.

School is going to kill me. I know it.

I can't quite articulate more, but life is nothing short of amazing.

I've figured out why I have a tendency to shut myself up in my room.

I have issues with myself, It's hard living with myself sometimes. And I think that's my motive for wanting to be alone sometimes. I don't want to get in the way. If I get in the way of myself, let alone other people...

Now I would then have to consciously counter that. I am not praying that this weakness would leave me. Rather, I'm praying that I will be able to overcome that.

I found this while sifting though the history of my blog.

1 MINUTE AGO: Chatting on MSN
1 HOUR AGO: working on Arts One Culture and Humanity Essay
1 DAY AGO: Lunch at Pastor Teo's place
1 WEEK AGO: Struggling
1 YEAR AGO: VJC, Singapore, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Adjustment
1 DAY FROM NOW: Arts one Lecture.
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Pray
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Is now.
I HURT: Kenley physically now and then
I LOVE: My life
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: fear.
I HOPE: That things can only get better
I FEEL: Pretty (sung)
I HIDE: from myself
I DRIVE: Kenley insane
I MISS: Singapore
I NEED: Affection
I THINK: But may not be.

Today, however, i'm pretty sure things have changed.

1 MINUTE AGO: Warming up Dinner
1 HOUR AGO: Talking deeply with Curtis
1 DAY AGO: Cherry Orhard Make-up meeting, Hanging out with Seth, Nav Meeting
1 WEEK AGO: Thanks-giving Holiday!
1 YEAR AGO: UBC, Canada, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope, IR. With relationships
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Decide on the Nav Leaders Summit
1 DAY FROM NOW: Studying
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Ditto
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Keep eating, and blogging
I HURT: Myself with my insecurity
I LOVE: You.
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: Being overwhelmed
I HOPE: that things will last.
I FEEL: Intense
I HIDE: Behind my altruistic interest in you.
I DRIVE: myself up the wall.
I MISS: Strolling
I NEED: God's strength
I THINK: differently.

Fear

In a student's life, there is no space for this. You just do it, for crying out loud. You've got absolutely nothing to lose.

Except for your sanity that is. But then again; being a university student, chances are you've lost that a long time ago.

Proverbs 16:9

Seriously, what are the chances that it's pure chance?
Nil.

Everything has been divinely (and cheekily) laid out amid (i'm quite sure) sporadic busrts of heavenly chuckles. It's so good, so uncoincidental, so real, so natural and right. Everything perfectly articulated with the logic and precision that engulfs all in perfection.

Get a ticket, give an MSN contact... change lives.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistence
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move ~ Switchfoot

God has amazing ways of confronting. I've been listening to this song for the past 2 days. Almost nothing else, almost non-stop. Nevermind that it's on a Mandy Moore movie, or that it's the commerical song for the OC. Nevermind anything. When God calls you drop everything and listen. Fall on your knees and surrender with the desperate passion of a Donne poem. When he meets you in a higher reality, everything is intensified and focused. More alive.

It's like spiritual pot, I'd say.