Saturday, February 21, 2004

Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching you

Sweet Caroline ~ Neil Diamond

I am a sucker for physical affection.

hold me

Oh, and meet larry. He sits on my right hip. Especially when I'm curled up on a bed in tight jeans.
He is how I come to terms with my weight gain.
Larry and I are good friends.
Do us both a favour.

Tell me when I crowd in, tell me when I'm too much, tell me when I bother you, tell me when I hurt you, tell me when I'm insensitive, tell me when you feel neglected, tell me when I let you down, tell me when I'm there for you the way you want me to be, tell me when I'm anything less then perfect.

Only, that's too much to ask. That's something I can't give either.


I remember when I was nine, I became a prefect in St. Hilda's Primary School. I was the teacher's pet, to a certain extent, class monitor, one of the top students in class. I always did my homework. I did ballet, played the piano, sailed, and joined the choir. I was friendly, had my friends and almost no enemies and if I had it my way, I would be friends with everyone.

So I became a prefect at nine. No surprise to many, but for me, it was a semi-surprise. And now i realise why.

"ahhh... so you're a prefect now. Are you perfect?"

I know she meant well, maybe even flattery.
But at that moment, I faltered, I could not find my voice, my nervous smile took over, my blood drained away and my head started spinning.

My mother tenderly vocalised then what I was too hideously broken and ashamed to reveal.
"No she's not"

It's still the same today.
Thank God that in brokenness He is strong. Now i Just have to convince myself...

Friday, February 20, 2004

You know that over-dependency becomes an issue when...

.you start having to have someone eat with you.
.you start worrying about what people, the closest ones to you, think of you.
.you start gazing at your msn list, constantly, with so much to say and no way to say it.
.you start gazing at your msn list, constantly, with nothing to say and a need to say something.
.you blog three times a day, realising that's the only way you really say anything anyway.

Ooooh. remind me that I'm human.
The one thing that I really really really really really really really really really want to do.


I've got a 1500 word Nietzsche essay to write, but i'd rather work on my 300-page novel.
I'm twenty with a whole future in front of me, but I'm dreaming of retiring to photography and peace.

Hmmm. There are too many pictures on this baby, I'm going on a photo-fast (foto-fast? Photo-Phast?). Till they all disappear.

I think I've got an eating disorder. I can't keep my teeth to myself.

It's possible to get a cramp in your brain. as in a physical cramp. I swear, organ or not, mine's protesting.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

I looked at myself in the mirror today whilst changing and noticed the little curves of fat smiling from above the elastic band of my underwear. Non-offensive, non-obtrustive just puffy and soft. New-comers. They definately weren't there before. My jeans still fit though a little more snug. My shirts are a little tighter and I am on the whole chubbier. They worry me somewhat, not that I'm pulling a code red on this but i just feel a little snowballish. Ah well...

Pudgey is cute
:: glen ::

Yes. And we are beautiful people Mr. Two-dimensional.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

There are some things that we're not.
And when we do realise what these things are, denial is not an option.

Time to open your eyes and run.
Think beyond yourself, be others-centered
See beyond the words to the speaker.

I've cultivated this annoying habit of feeling more then listening. When someone speaks, I spend more energy figuring out who they are, where they come from and why. This isn't bad in itself, in fact I find it enables me to get to places most don't tread. But what happens is that what is being said loses importance. Words are no longer ends in themselves but mediums, little messengers of a deeper messege, their shape really being the form of their speaker.

So I go, being oh so personal and sensitive and a wonderful confident. But in the end I feel like I'm moving in a totally different sphere from everyone else. I see, I hear, I touch, I engage, I understand, I love. But in order to do all that, I feel like I've pushed myself out of the atmosphere and into an infinity of possibilities. No rootedness, no self-centered belief on how things should be, how people should react, no stability on my defination.

I want to connect with people on my terms.


I want someone to not just listen, but to understand. MY defination of understand.


I want to know who I am, and to have no doubt of my self.


I need to do my Quiet time. I need God.

That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists in simply shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind
~ Mere Chiristianity :: CS Lewis
(Thanks Robby)

And this is precisely what I struggle with now.
I want to be selfish and demand a bit of space for me when I darn well know that the greatest freedom I've ever tasted was with God.
I want to be powerful again, bitchy, aloof, cold, hurtful, malicious, manipulative, intimidating... Hannah.

Please don't say "I know".
I can't even say that wrt myself.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

We could taste heaven perfectly

I went to U vic for the weekend and a little bit of monday. Let's go from the inside out:

Day One :: 14 Feb 2004

Shu and I took 3 buses to get to the ferry terminal. Thank you God for Ericsonofchuck and Kazim, wonderful people who made sure we got to the right place at the right time.

Also thank you God for Corey.
Beautiful grade 10 student who was spreading a little love on V-day, in the form of candy hearts.

I was warned about the dreadful weather during this time of the year.
Now, isn't God faithful?

Had coffee at starbucks, Walked around town

Did the asian tourist thing

Went to U Vic, Chilled in Robby's room

Partied it up with peanut butter and jazz

Marveled at the diversity of God's creation

Day Two :: 15 Feb 2004

Woke up nice and early, floor was wonderously comfy.

Went to Beacon Hill Park... beach?

Have i said that God was great about the weather?

T'was a dangerious road...

...With many battles fought...

...and things to see

Old spaghetti factory. fight club. and... conversation.

Day Three :: 16 Feb 2004

The rest of the gang came over.
Beacan Hill Park.

Adrian found his calling

Ran into curt on the bus home. Stunned.


Now... inside.

I left victoria very very changed. I can barely begin to pen it down and even starting to try seems rather ludicrious. During Robby's 19th C art hist lecture and my mind just wrestled with all the pressure from within and without. What am I do to with all this?

Ferry scribbles


.I am Hannah's elated ambition.

* Shave head

* Travel -> (Live once in okanagen, europe, Australia, Asia - Thailand?)

* Work, pay off tuition fees (ie be financially self-sufficient)

* live

* travel -> find someone to do that with

* Do theatre

* Travel


Be rational
Write in Pencil, & have an eraser at hand
Love soulitude -> Abandon
Be centered
Make time for art
Eat Healthy (For Good, not glory)
Have Godly relationships

- pretention
- Superficiality
- fear
- self-absorbtion
- self-sufficiency


Well now. I think my struggle lies in the knowledge that I might not be called to lead a normal stable life. Teaching english in some obscure part of china is still an option, along with being a missionary to Nigeria, or being a thespian in Singapore, or maybe... a fruit-picker in Summerland.

Where God calls, he equips to follow.
Now I just need the sensitivity to listen and the nerve to drop everything and run.

Of course right now the direction which his hand points towards is that of my sociology research paper and geography lab report... which isn't a problem...

What happens when summer comes?

BTW robby, you have no idea how you have influenced me
See you in heaven.