I still talk like you never left.

Hannah, I wish you wouldn't belittle yourself that way.

I had forgotten what it was like to be known.

When, exactly, did I let it all go south?

Lesson for today - Destination Sickness: When you get what you want, and you get where you want, but you do not want anything that you have.

With that said, I thank God that was avoided.  It is done.

You told me you loved me.
I didn't believe you.
You wouldn't let me live it down. 
But I was right.

I wonder if sub-cultures develop to a point of such self-sufficiency such that the dominant culture simply becomes part of the harsh land-scape in which they exist.

Alors comments?

Life is a collection of losses, one after the other. 

3 years ago on this night you walked over and kissed me before collapsing onto the floor.  It would have been a great story to tell our children, to laugh at at our wedding, and to reminisce about in the winter cold.   But I lost all the reasons, somewhere along the way.

I did not expect anger to come up at any point in time, but it has. Maybe this is a natural part of the process.

I think about how it might have been, we'd spend our days traveling. It's not that I don't understand you, it's not that I don't want to be with you but you only wanted me the way you wanted me. So, I will head out alone, hope for the best. And we hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes.  You can tell the world what you want them to hear. I've got nothing left to lose, my dear, so I'm up for the little white lies. But you and I know the reason why I'm gone, and you're still there.  So, steal the show, and do your best to cover the tracks that I have left. I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for. Oh, the way I might've changed my mind, but you only showed me the door.

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best. We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried, and if one of us makes it big we can spill our regrets and talk about how the love never dies. But you and I know the reason why I'm gone, you're still there.

 

~ R. Yamagata.

Maybe I was much too selfish but baby, you're still on my mind.

Why aren't you here to see me grow and celebrate my victories?

This isn't exactly what I want, but I am trusting that it is exactly what I need right now.  Late night bike rides, good company and a barrel of laughs. 

Why change anything? Why grow up, grow bored and grow wise?

Forgive me, but I assumed you'd be here.

The nights aren't easy.

What I miss most is being able to tell you everything. About how awful my day went, and about how incompetent I feel.  You walked with me into a new phase of life and I had hoped that you would always be there with your vast pool of experience, patience, honesty and common sense.  But now when things don't go as well, I find myself having to draw deep slow breaths, and to balance it all from the inside.  I guess this is a good thing because at some point, I'll have to figure things out for myself.  I just don't see a point of having to do it alone.  It would be nice to be able to celebrate the little victories with you.  Oh well.

Every time I come marginally close to believing that I've almost made it, or that I've almost gotten a grasp on things, something flips around and kicks me in the knees. It's not something that one gets used to either. Sweet Jesus help me.

There is a difference between being sad and being weak.  They generally come together, which is why I really don't need more crap right now.

Maybe this is all part of a lengthy episode that must finally come to an end.  Maybe this wasn't a new beginning, but a final closure. 

Thank you for piecing it all together so well. Too well. I regret that you did not leave a puzzle hole for yourself, or take a piece with you. It is all such a dry emotional waste.

I really need some down time here.

It may be that it is 12:45 in the morning, or that I am standing on the edge of too many things at the same time, but I am starting to feel very dissatisfied with my life. How?

And just like that, you're gone.

Hrm, I'm losing my centre.

Part of "making it" includes learning how to deal with the crippling self doubt that rears its ugly head round every corner. Ugh. How?