My Heart

Because others have the power to define my existence, experience, and even my feelings, I am left with no place to stand and validly construct my reality. That is the violence of silence.

~ Patricia Monture

This is why it is so important for me to go home.

What is party?

Sigh

I know I'm not the only one with a miserable B- (69% - a full 5 marks below average) grade for a course in law school. I am also quite sure that this would not be the only one to adorn my final transcript. I wouldn't call myself a victim of the curve, or bitch about how arbitrary the grading system is. No, law school isn't stupid, BS, a waste of time etc. Neither is the grade uncalled for.

I haven't received the final essay yet, but I can't say that I could have done it any better (although, doing the entire piece during a 16 hour plane ride can't be the best of all ideas). I have no idea what went wrong and by my calculations, I must have gotten something around the low - mid sixties to end up with such a bad grade.

Judging by the trend, I am starting to wonder if I belong in law school. I have had no interest or passion in doing any of my assignments, neither do I care very much. The only spark of life encountered here yet was during a presentation on the Brao people in Southern Laos. The guy wasn't even a lawyer. What am I doing here?? Writing essays used to be my forte. I could always count on an A/A+ paper to compensate for whatever needed compensating for. Here, I find myself grasping at straws.

Thing is, do I really want to continue with something that I would, at best, only be mediocre at? I remember telling someone that I had an intense fear of being either ordinary or mediocre. Mediocrity is dead scary. The ironic thing is, the fear of doing badly was never in the equation. It was never considered because it was never a possibility. Now I have a new fear to tackle I guess.

So that's that. I've done terribly and I'm upset about it. I will assume that the mark was fair and just hope to do better for the rest of the year. Hopefully I will learn something out of it. Fortunately for me, this is only a 3 credit course and ends here. I guess somethings got to give at some point. I shouldn't be allowed to sustain my constant string of As since the A Levels. I have got to learn somewhere. It just doesn't help that the bi-polaric in me can't quite settle on my opinion on the situation. At times its devastating in tsunamic proportions. Other times, it's a wonderful learning opportunity. Hey! Better learn now then later! And better now then before! After all, it's the Asian syndrome isn't it? We do everything impeccably well, except, we do not know how to fail gracefully (and for God's sake, it's only a B-!), so learn! I guess life requires some measure of uncertainty, fear and failure.

But you know what I think it is? I'm not letting myself go. I'm not giving this a chance. I'm still standing on the sidelines looking skeptically at all this. I find myself disdaining what I see and really repelling the idea of becoming consumed by all this. In short - I don't want to be a part of what I perceive. This cannot be what God has in store for me. Where will my fulfillment come from?

There's no personal investment in this. Unlike the past, where I allowed academia to inform my world-view, I don't want it like this. I am afraid of being transformed by what I study, because I don't like what I see. I think that's how I did well in my undergrad, I was what I did and because it was me, I did it well.

Now I'm just tolerating it's intrusion into my life. Like how I feel it simply tolerates me.

Maybe I should see a professional about this.

Ugh. So pathetically lacking.

I've learnt alot about myself in these past few months. I can only hope that the experiences undertaken will only lead to a strengthening and fortification of character. I have found that being able to see the links between my academia and reality, both physical and philosophical, is the driving force of my determination to succeed. I need to create, to build and to find ownership.

And on top of that all, I need to be affirmed, and given confidence in my direction and capabilities.

Well, we can't ask for the world can we?

And on a side note, there's blood in the water. Therefore, I will not partake.

There is life in my academia once again!

"... instead of forever seeking something that we cannot even know, never mind achieve, should we not deal with that of which we are sure...?"

Amen!

The New Year sits in a corner of my unkempt room, a stranger to me and my blantant unconcern toward her presence. I don't think she really cares anyway, her magnitude and development of character being the cumulation of energy and aspiration toward this fictitious temporal 'end'. She sits. Unnoticed.

I've been living out of a suitcase here in Singapore. Whenever I come home, I come home from being an adult. I am the 19 year old that left her room in a ground-zero mess when she flew off to University. I become wide-eyed and soft. Comfort essentially chloroforms my sense of responsibility and I giggle down into an amusing kitten. Right now, there is more mess than floor and I cannot tell if I should celebrate the chaos or mourn the death of sensible order. My parents have remained gracious, generous and tight-lipped about my degeneration. My brother laughs at me.

So anyway, The New Year is fast fading and her visit has left no imprint on me. So I met Lofty at Gladys' at last year's swan song, we sat around the sacred tube and grumbled about the pathetic state of the media, both local and international. That's about all that The New Year has swept in with her. What about the resolutions? The renewed sense of hope? Of capability? Which which comes the secret fear and growing cynicism that I wouldn't keep up my promise to rise with the sun for more then 2 days. This ritual, this necessity. Where??!!

Well, they haven't been around. They left years back, the first grains of sand washed away by the haggard hands of weak, practical, reality. But more then anything, I think I need them now. Just a little. I need a reason to keep going and the strength to believe in it. My eyes have lowered and I've reduced myself to staring at my feet. Size 5. Not much to offer.

We're in this for the long run. Says the boyfriend. Ok. Can do. It's the long run that matters.

The humility is refreshing. And is very much the source for renewed strength. I won't cry for my absence when it can be filled with many beautiful things.

When I return, I return in full. I guess this is why leaving is so difficult. It is tantamount to death, to a certain degree.

Now, have I accomplished my search for solidity in the past 2 weeks? I don't quite know. I guess only the next four months will tell. But I can sense some increased measure of sureness. My tiny toes are gripping on a little harder and my heart rate is going down. Nothing has been done of my anger, but looking at daddy, I don't think I need to be worried.

Anyway, jello or no. I'm getting on a place on Saturday. And my destination will be made good.

Oh God, I don't want to leave.

1330 hrs: Burma is amazing
1345 hrs: I love Bogge
1630 hrs: Ahhh, to work in a team!
1730 hrs: 'tweak tweak'
1930 hrs: I'm dying inside
2230hrs: This place is amazing

So many things to do, so many lessons to learn, so many people to love!

Choose wisely ok?

Geez louise! How I love you still!