You are wanted.



Very much so.

I lead such a tiny life!

It's the mystery of Iniquity...
Said it's the misery of Iniquity...
Said it's the history of Iniquity...
When it all...
All falls down...
Telling you all...
It all falls down

Children...
Eat your bread
Little children...
Eat your bread
Cuz it all...
All falls down...
Telling you all...
It all falls down

Yo!
Ya'll can't handle the truth in a courtroom of lies
Perjures the jurors
Witness despised
Crooked lawyers
False Indictments publicized
Its entertainment...the arraignments
The subpoenas
High profile gladiators in bloodthirsty arenas
Enter the Dragon
Black-robe crooked-balance
Souls bought and sold and paroled for thirty talents
Court reporter catch the circus on the paper
File it in the system not acknowledged by the Maker
Swearing by the bible blatantly blasphemous
Publicly perpetrating that "In God We Trust"
Cross-examined by a master manipulator
The faster intimidator
Receiving the judge's favor
Deceiving sabers doing injury to they neighbors
For status, gratis, apparatus and legal waivers
See the bailiff
Representing security
Holding the word of God soliciting perjury
The prosecution
Political prostitution
The more money you pay.. the further away solution
Legal actors
Babylon's benefactors
Masquerading as the agency for the clients
Hypocritical giants
Morally non-compliant
Orally armed to do bodily harm
Polluted, recruited and suited judicial charm
And the defense isn't making any sense
Faking the confidence of escaping the consequence
That a defendant is depending on the system
Totally void of judgment purposely made to twist em'
Emotional victim blackmailed by the henchmen
Framed by intentions
Inventions whereby they lynch men
Enter the false witness slandering the accused
Planting the seed openly showing he's being used
To discredit, edit, headed for the alleged
Smearing the individual fearing the unsuspected
Expert witness (the paid authority)
Made a priority to deceive the majority
Of disinterested peers
Dodging duty for years
Hating the process
waiting to be returning to their careers
Do we expect the system made for the elect
To possibly judge correct?
Properly serve and protect?
Materially corrupt
Spiritually amuck
Oblivious to the cause
Prosperously bankrupt
Blind leading the blind
Guilty never defined
Filthy as swine
A generation pure in it's own mind
Legal extortion
Blown out of proportion
In vain deceit
The truth is obsolete
Only two positions:
Victimizer or Victim
Both end up in destruction trusting this crooked system
Mafia with diplomas keeping us in a coma trying to own a piece
of the "American Corona"
The Revolving Door
Insanity every floor
Skyscraping, paper chasing
What are we working for?
Empty traditions
Reaching social positions
Teaching ambition to support the family superstition?
When the Son of Perdition is Commander in Chief
The standard is Thief
Brethren can we candidly speak?
Woe to the men
Trusted in the chariots dem'
Leaning on horses
They run their intellectual sources
Counterfeit wisdom creating the illusion of freedom
Confusion consumes them
Every word they speak it turns them out really white
Internally they absent of light
trapped in the night and bonded to the Cain of the night
Under the curse
Evil men waxing more worse
Faxing the first
Angelic being cast to the earth
It's time for rebirth
Burnin up the branch and the root
The empty pursuits of every tree bearing the wrong fruit
Turn AND BE HEALED
Let him who stole, no longer steal
Oh Israel
Surrender for Jehovah is real
How long will you sleep
Troubled by the thoughts that YOU keep
The idols YOU heap
Causing the destruction you reap
Judgment has come
Find it and return to the One
Abandon the flesh
Self-interest: Broadway to death
Pride and the Greed
Hide and subdividing the seed
The knowledge of Good and Evil is what caused us to lie
Caused us to die
Let your emotions be crucified
Renounce all your thoughts
Repent and let your mind be re-taught
You'll find what you sought...was based on the deception you bought
A perception of naught
Where the majority remains caught

Loving a lie
Not realizing in Adam, all die

Mystery of Iniquity ~ Lauryn Hill

Haha!

"Do you speak Asian?"

"Do you speak, Asian?"

Asian!!

When I left for Singapore this christmas, I left with the goal of resolving my anger. Now I didn't want to lose my anger, or to let it fade away into feeble submission, I wanted to turn it into something precious. Something good. Something actively positive. Now I have realised that she stemmed very much from many places and she does many things. It's fading, and while the oppressions and angst is swept away with her, I don't quite want her to leave just yet. I still have yet to make my something previous, something good and something actively positive. But it's ok, I know that in time, all things will be made new.

My Heart

Because others have the power to define my existence, experience, and even my feelings, I am left with no place to stand and validly construct my reality. That is the violence of silence.

~ Patricia Monture

This is why it is so important for me to go home.

What is party?

Sigh

I know I'm not the only one with a miserable B- (69% - a full 5 marks below average) grade for a course in law school. I am also quite sure that this would not be the only one to adorn my final transcript. I wouldn't call myself a victim of the curve, or bitch about how arbitrary the grading system is. No, law school isn't stupid, BS, a waste of time etc. Neither is the grade uncalled for.

I haven't received the final essay yet, but I can't say that I could have done it any better (although, doing the entire piece during a 16 hour plane ride can't be the best of all ideas). I have no idea what went wrong and by my calculations, I must have gotten something around the low - mid sixties to end up with such a bad grade.

Judging by the trend, I am starting to wonder if I belong in law school. I have had no interest or passion in doing any of my assignments, neither do I care very much. The only spark of life encountered here yet was during a presentation on the Brao people in Southern Laos. The guy wasn't even a lawyer. What am I doing here?? Writing essays used to be my forte. I could always count on an A/A+ paper to compensate for whatever needed compensating for. Here, I find myself grasping at straws.

Thing is, do I really want to continue with something that I would, at best, only be mediocre at? I remember telling someone that I had an intense fear of being either ordinary or mediocre. Mediocrity is dead scary. The ironic thing is, the fear of doing badly was never in the equation. It was never considered because it was never a possibility. Now I have a new fear to tackle I guess.

So that's that. I've done terribly and I'm upset about it. I will assume that the mark was fair and just hope to do better for the rest of the year. Hopefully I will learn something out of it. Fortunately for me, this is only a 3 credit course and ends here. I guess somethings got to give at some point. I shouldn't be allowed to sustain my constant string of As since the A Levels. I have got to learn somewhere. It just doesn't help that the bi-polaric in me can't quite settle on my opinion on the situation. At times its devastating in tsunamic proportions. Other times, it's a wonderful learning opportunity. Hey! Better learn now then later! And better now then before! After all, it's the Asian syndrome isn't it? We do everything impeccably well, except, we do not know how to fail gracefully (and for God's sake, it's only a B-!), so learn! I guess life requires some measure of uncertainty, fear and failure.

But you know what I think it is? I'm not letting myself go. I'm not giving this a chance. I'm still standing on the sidelines looking skeptically at all this. I find myself disdaining what I see and really repelling the idea of becoming consumed by all this. In short - I don't want to be a part of what I perceive. This cannot be what God has in store for me. Where will my fulfillment come from?

There's no personal investment in this. Unlike the past, where I allowed academia to inform my world-view, I don't want it like this. I am afraid of being transformed by what I study, because I don't like what I see. I think that's how I did well in my undergrad, I was what I did and because it was me, I did it well.

Now I'm just tolerating it's intrusion into my life. Like how I feel it simply tolerates me.

Maybe I should see a professional about this.

Ugh. So pathetically lacking.

I've learnt alot about myself in these past few months. I can only hope that the experiences undertaken will only lead to a strengthening and fortification of character. I have found that being able to see the links between my academia and reality, both physical and philosophical, is the driving force of my determination to succeed. I need to create, to build and to find ownership.

And on top of that all, I need to be affirmed, and given confidence in my direction and capabilities.

Well, we can't ask for the world can we?

And on a side note, there's blood in the water. Therefore, I will not partake.

There is life in my academia once again!

"... instead of forever seeking something that we cannot even know, never mind achieve, should we not deal with that of which we are sure...?"

Amen!