It's quite pointless worrying about the intangibles. Important as they may be, worrying seems to be the wrong approach, to anything at all, actually. Just move.

On a separate note, if you're not here, where are you that matters?

I wish someone would carry on the story of Susan Pevensie after the death of her family in the train crash which whisked them painlessly into Narnia at the dawn of the last battle. What happened to her? She who fell out of favour with C.S. Lewis, trading Narnia for lipstick and invitations, without her family or her past. I guess in some sense, it doesn't (shouldn't? wouldn't?) matter to the Narnians who, after all, have Aslan.

I envision her story to be one of heavy redemption, I guess. Not the epic magnificence that surrounded Edmond's redemption from the white witch, but a long-drawn out, complicated process that sighs and groans under the weight of reality, London, Earth. A tired woman in her forties perhaps, haunted by the betrayed beauty of a childhood past, helplessly entwined in who she is today, coming into grace of a different name. Because I guess, the shades in the shadowlands are still caused by slivers of scattered light.

I can't help but feel that we're all Susan and, as I mentioned over drinks and "Desperado" this evening, I resent the church for trying to simply life. All this clutter of how "god has a plan" etc, is all good and well, but it doesn't tell me how to live. God can have his plan but I have a life to live, and while I am delighted to live in the cradle of his plan it just isn't up to me to go about tip-toed trying to peek around for illumination.

Life is difficult, and we make the best of it.

I think I can finally look back at the ideas I had in my youth and understand their naivete. The challenge is to hold on to them and making them work today. Perhaps, it will be the process of ego-exfoliation that will finally make it all fit. Let's hope so.

I always look forward to a quiet night at home alone. Unplanned moments, residual from the day, or the result of a poorly planned evening, little more 'why not' than 'how about'. Play a little music, forcing my aching fingers to form a chord while I swing in and out of the sentiment, generally leaving with a bad taste in my mouth that was my voice. Clicking around, I settle for some music and am overwhelmed by a desire to write.

What?

I don't know.

I don't like it when you're not around.

Black[Box]Saturday

I promised myself that my 2009 would only bring forth goodness. It's just over a year old, and it already has.

Note to self: Never watch a video tape of yourself the night before your performance.

oh alright.

I enjoy working with the kids. They exude a purity that is untrammeled by a sense of self or of falsified dignity. They're loyalty only to their interests, they will try, fall, rise, do, repeat, try, fall, rise, do anything to reach.

After the last wrap, we walked from Peace Centre to Dhoby Ghaut station tossing bits of laughter back and forth. I caught my reflection walking with us along the sidewalk - skirt peeking out unceremoniously from under my brother's over sized ALPA-S sweater.

This reminds me of being in JC.
What does?
Dressing like this. Like you don't care. A short uniform skirt and a baggy sweater and looking beautiful simply because you're young.

Like tiny knots in your hair. These balls of uncertainty ruin everything. But it's ok, right? It will only make you stronger?