Boogie

• It's amazing how living circumstances changes things.
• I need to understand the shame that renders me a christian.
• No power, no pride. All Him.
• I am sickly insecure.

And when I go there...

"I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name"

A lot of things work like Pandora's box. It's a theme that runs throughout human history, within our individual lives. 'The story of one man is the story of humanity' says Coelho. Pandora is me, and I've nothing to say for it. Still in the process of building and burning, I shift into a new mode of existance, one that challenges and contradicts but with refreshing truth. What else is there to be done since it's been opened? Sit back and enjoy the ride.

"It's all I can do"

Where the streets have no name ~ U2

I am starting to become free from my crippling deconstructive nature. The chains are loosening, tide is waning. Oh, lookie here, a trickle of emotion. An expression of trust. Good dinner and conversation.

Waddaya know?
I might just be human after all.

Imagine

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
~ Jeremiah 17:9

Don't look at me!

Who would have thought?

That's my primary problem. In thinking so much, I really miss out on the important things. I think God has been bringing this problem into the forefront of my consciousness. Knowledge and understanding should never be my idol, but really, my tool. As today's sermon suggested, the objectivity that results from my exessive post-modernist deliberations might well be stifling my ability to live rather then intensifying it, as it was initially meant to do.

I am not secular. I am not dead. Live and let live, abundently and joyfully.

"The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" ~ Genesis 2:7

Let me re-learn what it means to be human

Strange, I thought I knew you well.

The 4 latent months away during the summer was more potent then I thought it was. Relationships are more organic then I can comprehend them to be. So the power shifts, secrets remain or are revealed, like a glowing dance, very far away. Dimensions shift and I find myself caught within them, in a very passive manner.

I sometimes couldn't care less.

Maybe it's not for me. I could never quite understand anyway. I realise that the more i understand humanly, the less i really do understand. It seems that all the knowledge i gain only serves to point to the ever-growing void of my ignorance. I should just stop trying.

Ooo. Just breathe.

Thought I had read a change in your eyes
Strange ~ Tori amos

I have to be stricter with myself. If my bedtime's 11 pm, my bedtime's 11 pm.

Dang. It's 11.17.

2 step

Am I consistant in who I am?
Be.

Let them love you, in your most unattractive and unbecoming.
Do.

Maybe just a little bit crazy

"i feel like a specimen in a petri dish waiting to be understood"
~Gladys

I've forgotten what it's like to have normal relationships, to be vulnerable. In my never-ending upward journey to a greater understanding of myself, toward greater understanding of people and individuals...

... I had ceased to be human.

Please be patient with me, while God rebuilds this mess I've made.

Me: I can't pray alone
DW: Have you tried praying with God?

Thank god for that 5% of communication that does succeed.