The last 10 minutes into seoul was the hardest bit of the journey.

Ouch.

It just brought out so much of me I hated. The bitchiness, the willful desire to hurt, deliberatly hack down, and the intense pleasure in doing so.

But even more so it brought me face to face with reality - that I am what i despise. (haven't i always been?)

That my disdain for weakness and need springs from fear. Fear of being weak and needy. I realise that my independency has been built upon the wrong foundation. I have placed my trust in social acceptance, in friendships, in dennis... but never in God.

"stop trusting in man, who has but breath in his nostrils, of what accout is he?"

And it simply shifts, from person to person, society to society, if I do not find it here, i will find it elsewhere... and so goes the story of my identity and self-assurance.

In these 2 weeks, removed from the pillar of my life, i will have time to reflect, seek god and pray. It was a strange journey. after living with the youths for 2 weeks, being on the plane without them was life going out without clothes. Like i expected to see shawn dangling somewhere with clara gossiping... but no. oh darn. So emotional strings cut, i'll just wait for me to come back. I canoot promise the same person, the same hannah. I'm sorry.

So no overnighter for me on chirstmas or newyear but oh well... i'll just hang in tight for me birthday...

Anyway here's to you Beautiful:

10 things to be grateful for this christmas

1. Family (in canada)
2. Snow!!
3. Ryan (he made me)
4. Yeshua
5. A 7 month break.
6. the end of all activities
7. Freedom.
8. Time to look, and think and listen.
9. A home to come home to (A place to belooongggg... that's what i long for)
10. Church.