The dream of my Father.

John 10:10
I come that you might have life and have it abundantly.

Oh, I�m choking, I�m choking
On the smoke from this burning house
I claw and I scrape
But I can�t seem to get out

People, my dead life as you know it, is over.

Oh, it�s my world, too
But whose gold is this I�m digging out?

I stayed up till 4 am last night, watching 'Saved' with my boyfriend, then talking to Shulin. I decided somewhere in the movie that the life I lead, the person I am, will not be a result of tradition or communial belief. I will not reject the tradition of my religion, but I will not be slave to blind indoctrination. I will not throw away all ancient and paternal wisdom within my family or the church, but I will understand them in my context and above all, seek the Holy Spirit.

Is this time our time?
Yes, it is
Without or with this shadow of doubt

I have never been more alive then this year, when I decided to live. I understand that no one can live my life but me. No one can take responsibility for the sins I commit, or for the good choices and joy that I experience except for me and Jesus. God made me such, and I will seek my being and my humanity with in him.

I wanna go, I wanna run
We turn, so sure someone�s looking down
It�s haunting me, haunting me
Leaves us here to get out

I have nothing to fear, no shame due to me, no guilt except in they eyes of God. I owe no one an apology as no one owes me a living. I am not due to live my life to anyone's expectations: society's church's family's culture's yours, mine. I cannot live my life fearing social rejection or with my thru-line being to please every goddamn human soul here. I cannot keep living in shame, fear, inconfidence and embarrassment of who I am. I am made in the image of God and every inch of my being is in Him and belongs to Him and to Him alone and not anyone's monolingual perception.

I don�t want to wake up
Lost in the Dreams of our Fathers
Oh, it�s such a shame child
To live and die for the Dreams of our Fathers

I've had a great life as a child with my identity tied to my family, society, religion and culture. It was my empirical standard. But there comes a time, now when it has become my bondage. The safe sheep-pen in which I grew up in becomes my prison. I will not sell my life short to a structure that isn't mine, I will not deny myself an abundant life with God to my self-imposed religion. I will find my joy, my understanding, my peace and my victory in who I am uniquely in Christ. Not what is expected of me, not in the SOPs of my indoctrination, but in what is organic, real and true.

This love I possess, love
It must be the Dream of my Father.

My heavenly Father. Alone. My personal living God in whom my vision is founded. I can only say, that the life I'm living now, the Love I have for my friends, my family, for school, for the church, for Seth (especically), can only be of God, from God and for God. The peace I revel in can only be His pleasure in my life, (dare I say this?) that I am living out what he has always wanted me to be. In Love, In Life, In victory.

And in the words of Les Miserables: To love another, is to see the face of God.

What more do I seek, But to live in His presence? And how can I turn away from this reality of grace in the face of harsh Law to reach holiness? More more more more more, then I can ever contain, his love, his grace his bigness.

The more I search and remove myself from the past, the greater and more amazing God becomes.

(Lyrics: DMB ~ Dreams of our fathers)