Falling in love.

A couple of days ago Curtis brought up the issue of emotional fornication. A malice that I believe that I'm guilty of.

for�ni�ca�tion: (f�rn-kshn)n.
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

Word History: The word fornication had a lowly beginning suitable to what
has long been the low moral status of the act to which it refers. The Latin word
fornix, from which fornicti, the ancestor of fornication, is derived, meant �a
vault, an arch.� The term also referred to a vaulted cellar or similar place
where prostitutes plied their trade. This sense of fornix in Late Latin yielded
the verb fornicr, �to commit fornication,� from which is derived fornicti,
�whoredom, fornication.� Our word is first recorded in Middle English about
1303.

The damage done, I believe is when the intimacy is bankrupt of commitment. When there is no intention of a sustained relationship to honor the intercourse in all that it is meant to be. So like we wear clothes and keep our hands to ourselves, the same must be done with our emotional relationships.

I invoke emotional exchange and intercourse like one-night stands. I genuinely do care, I genuinely want to know who you are and to explore you. But rarely am I interested in sustaining and commiting to the intimacy. Not that it's anything wrong. In fact, I believe strongly in the strength of the self, not depending on others emotionally and getting yourself on your feet. I flirt and seduce with promises of intimacy, understanding and acceptance. And I do fulfil. Before moving on with my life again.

The result is great lonliness, and great betrayal. I think in a way, I don't know how to engage and to invest in others. And i'd really like to learn. This year I have been presented with a great number of relationships that I can invest in and really live in. I need to learn to fall in love.

So there's that, and this is a great segway into the point of life.
I'm lying in my bed on monday night wrestling with my weariness and fears of grades and the such (mind you, for a Singaporean, these are really real fears). Then God speaks.

Hannah, when will you learn to put me at the center?

This is the moment I've been waiting for. When God charges me with enjoining my head and heart. This isn't unlike the moment last year, around this time, when God called me to pray. I feel like I'm embarking on the third leg of a journey to love: Mind, Heart and now, Soul. The only difference is that now, I have no energy to be in jubilee, to wow myself over with great philosophical truisms. I'm a tired, homesick, second year arts student, struggling to keep her grades up, doing theatre, recovering and rebounding from a break-up.

Here is life. And here, I will learn to exist and to respond to the call to Love the Lord my God, with all my Heart, Mind and Soul.