You don't deal with rejection very well
~ Shub.

Very very true. And I think this has something to do with my cry today, after bible study, that God may grant that I be submissive to the utter depths of His calling. I am stuck by the harshness of the calling to be a christian and how it grates against every satient concept of the sensible. A lot of things are good, but are they biblical and Godly? Tolerance (i.e. blindness, not loving understanding), Agency, Personal Lord and Saviour. Things that our modern christian faith is built on and that we do not question. Where in the bible did God ever sanction what we believe in.

Get down and get dirty.

So in my high-wired caffinated state, the butterflies in my intestinal tract lead me to sprawl out before God in prayer asking for it all. Whatever that means, it's not like I'm big enough to define the mystery anyway.

So today was highly disappointing, and faith wrenching. The professor that I am trying to negotiate with wrt to a personal project of mine seemed to underestimate me, or perhaps, I am in the wrong programme. Seeing that I do not sweep through the corridors of Buchanan with the decorum that demands you all relinquish your natural rights to me and hail me as the Souverign, I would probably fit better in the discipline of Interpersonal Relations. Maybe I should stop school, go to a village and have babies.

And I'm also not going back to Singapore for christmas. Nuff Said.

So disappointment abounds and I have to learn that indeed, life rarely goes the way you want it to. The will and the imagination are existential party-poopers, and while my rational mind tells me that I am up for disappointment no matter what, my fluffly lil' heart decides to sail of anyway, having decided, quite spontaniously, to file a divorce against reason.

But at the end of the day, life patters on. And until I stop trying to forge myself against the will of the cosmos, I will end up confused, betrayed and disillusioned, with no one but myself to blame.