It might be the sun coupled with a gorgeous Chai Latte in the regent atrium reading a pleasent story for one of my classes. This is THE life. The one I've been looking for. I think to myself as the comforting rays bounce off my table, refuge from the frost outside. It would be -8 later tonight. Insane! But whatever it was, it made me feel a sense of peace. That for the first time in my life, I felt... almost sure. Actually, I felt perfectly sure. Sure of what? I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do for grad school, I don't know what I'm doing in the summer. Hell, I don't even know what part time job I am capable of handling well.
So I guess being sure wouldn't be an accurate description of that very empowering state of being I found myself in today. Whatever it was, and whatever its cause, I'm glad for it. Tracing my way across Buchanan to HIST 403 today - late -, it dawned on me that I have acomplished what I wanted to have acomplished by this point. I've gotten the education that I wanted. I did not shrink back in struggling to get my Grandmother's story going. But the most pleasing thing about that moment, was the recognition that I had become what I wanted to be. I had told myself, before leaving for Singapore last year that by the time I get back, I would have grown. I would be confident in communiating with people, in bringing my identity across clearly, in just being. And it has come to be.
To date, I've been through at least 15 interviews for a part time job, along with a three hour test determining my ability at MS word (Come on! I am a student! I know that programme like an intimate lover!). Nothing. But still, I found myself quite sure of my capabilities, and found no reason to doubt myself. It did help that I have been getting acceptance letters from universities and that my interviews have been very encouraging. But even the monumental 'B' grade on my essay proposal on the Nuclear Bomb that I got today scantly moved me.
I was very sure, that it was all going to be alright. I was a capable person, going places and being alive. I have people who love me and a God who is everything. Why worry? Later, I received a job offer (which I accepted) and an A grade for my term paper on Chinese Religion. Not that these really matter. But what was really encouraging was biblestudy today. In the midst of Curt0 expounding on something, a realization of my personhood came creeping over me again. I am here, I have a life in front of me, I make things move and take responsibility.
Ahh... these days at UBC, when I was birthed. I thank god for everything. For the navs whom I found by chance at a booth near vanier. It was meant to be. :)
I don't like hanging out there. Everyone is just so.... Christian.
Haha yeah! That's the word I was thinking of to!
Oh Curt, what a journey.
So I guess being sure wouldn't be an accurate description of that very empowering state of being I found myself in today. Whatever it was, and whatever its cause, I'm glad for it. Tracing my way across Buchanan to HIST 403 today - late -, it dawned on me that I have acomplished what I wanted to have acomplished by this point. I've gotten the education that I wanted. I did not shrink back in struggling to get my Grandmother's story going. But the most pleasing thing about that moment, was the recognition that I had become what I wanted to be. I had told myself, before leaving for Singapore last year that by the time I get back, I would have grown. I would be confident in communiating with people, in bringing my identity across clearly, in just being. And it has come to be.
To date, I've been through at least 15 interviews for a part time job, along with a three hour test determining my ability at MS word (Come on! I am a student! I know that programme like an intimate lover!). Nothing. But still, I found myself quite sure of my capabilities, and found no reason to doubt myself. It did help that I have been getting acceptance letters from universities and that my interviews have been very encouraging. But even the monumental 'B' grade on my essay proposal on the Nuclear Bomb that I got today scantly moved me.
I was very sure, that it was all going to be alright. I was a capable person, going places and being alive. I have people who love me and a God who is everything. Why worry? Later, I received a job offer (which I accepted) and an A grade for my term paper on Chinese Religion. Not that these really matter. But what was really encouraging was biblestudy today. In the midst of Curt0 expounding on something, a realization of my personhood came creeping over me again. I am here, I have a life in front of me, I make things move and take responsibility.
Ahh... these days at UBC, when I was birthed. I thank god for everything. For the navs whom I found by chance at a booth near vanier. It was meant to be. :)
I don't like hanging out there. Everyone is just so.... Christian.
Haha yeah! That's the word I was thinking of to!
Oh Curt, what a journey.
2 comments:
Congrats -hug- :)
Hello my darling Hannah! Knowing you've found your sense of being sure of yourself is tremendously encouraging to me. Similarly, I'm constantly on a task to seek assurance: am I doing this right? Should I do that? Will people think me retarded if I do this? What actually am I capable of? If I'm as great as people tell me I am, then why the fuck don't I feel it? These are just constant questions I assume many of us struggle with; I know I do. But a very wise man has taught me to never doubt myself. Trust your instincts, and whatever you do, celebrate it =) If you/I don't get that job/role, it doesn't matter because you/I did my best,and I'm proud of it, we merely didn't fit into the mould they have. Doesn't make our worth any lower. Hope you're having a blast love!! Love you!!!!
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