I already miss my brother terribly.
This summer has been about growth and rest, about being weary and yet finding rejuvenation. It was about retreating and moving forward, about letting go and moving on. And even if I can't, at least I know which direction I need to go. I lost of bearings for a while - necessarily - and it cleared my mind from the images that I had painted for myself. They weren't wrong, but they were painted too hastily. As if I were painting what I had heard in the distance instead of what I would actually see. But I think I've taken a step back for a step forward.
Over worship practice I discovered an unapologetic drive for excellence - and I know where to find it. Jeff reminded me that both hate and love lead to hurt, so I must be careful to invest these emotions (state of beings?) wisely - I think I've wasted too much on the Drummer, and sometimes I fear that I've lost too much, and am losing still. I am grateful for being able to actually choose my idea of good, instead of having it been handed to me. The structures of ignorance go deep, but should I let that dim the beauty that I might share? I hold on too tightly to life, forgetting that there is more.
I feel heavy and trance-like, as if I've been spending all my energy rearranging the furniture in my head. I talk to myself, coaxing, calming and cajoling myself to get out and be. I need a lot of affirmation.
This has been a great summer, and this will be a good year. Deeper and quieter. I am yearning for goodness again.
This summer has been about growth and rest, about being weary and yet finding rejuvenation. It was about retreating and moving forward, about letting go and moving on. And even if I can't, at least I know which direction I need to go. I lost of bearings for a while - necessarily - and it cleared my mind from the images that I had painted for myself. They weren't wrong, but they were painted too hastily. As if I were painting what I had heard in the distance instead of what I would actually see. But I think I've taken a step back for a step forward.
Over worship practice I discovered an unapologetic drive for excellence - and I know where to find it. Jeff reminded me that both hate and love lead to hurt, so I must be careful to invest these emotions (state of beings?) wisely - I think I've wasted too much on the Drummer, and sometimes I fear that I've lost too much, and am losing still. I am grateful for being able to actually choose my idea of good, instead of having it been handed to me. The structures of ignorance go deep, but should I let that dim the beauty that I might share? I hold on too tightly to life, forgetting that there is more.
I feel heavy and trance-like, as if I've been spending all my energy rearranging the furniture in my head. I talk to myself, coaxing, calming and cajoling myself to get out and be. I need a lot of affirmation.
This has been a great summer, and this will be a good year. Deeper and quieter. I am yearning for goodness again.
3 comments:
=)
As if I were painting what I had heard in the distance instead of what I would actually see.
you do have a knack for self-analysis.
Boo-ya. See, I always worry that I'd be wrong.
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