Dear Josh,

I just don't know what is good and bad anymore. Any attempt at telling myself that goodness is ___________ sounds like a throwback to the institution, to the things that... are... fear-driven, conservative (in the political sense) and stifling. I am so happy here and now. And am aware of danger and possible hurt in the future. What else does god want from me?

My mother told me: Don't think that way, of what else God wants from me. Because he is already pleased with me. I don't trust that anymore. Therein lies the lie - that I am not good enough.

I think that will always be my spiritual struggle - that deep inside, i will always fall into the trap of thinking that I am not good enough because of ____________. and therein lies defeat.

One step at a time. I hope this is my path to victory, if only through redemption. Because I cannot do anything anymore.

Hannah